Our Journey Toward Open Adoption

As I look at my son, E., sleeping in his room, I can't help but feel, even after almost 6 years, that I am incredibly lucky. There is no greater gift than the ability to be a family. And, we were blessed far more than I ever thought possible.

I think back to the day my husband and I finally decided we should adopt a child. We did not reach this decision immediately. There were some misgivings. It was perfectly reasonable to be worried. We all heard the horror stories about people changing their mind or the match between parent and child just not being a good one. Added to this was all our well meaning relatives letting us know how hard it was to adopt. How unlikely we were to get a child, especially living in as small an apartment as we were.

The road to adoption can be a very bumpy ride. You have a lot of con artists poised to strike, for what better "victims" to go after than couples who long in the core of their souls to be parents. We would have given anything for the ability to be "mom and dad."

We decided on a private adoption because we were a little older than usual and we thought we would have an easier time. It's very tense and nerve wracking to attempt, but we wished for nothing more than to have a child.

It didn't happen overnight. There were some false starts, some people who just wanted us to give them money, and some that just didn't work out. It's a roller coaster ride and you need to be able to withstand some of the emotional feedback, the frustration, anger, and sadness. But, finally, the right person contacted us.

Something happened on the day we met E.'s birthmother, J.. We were comfortable from the start. We answered any questions she had about us and how we felt we would raise a child. She told us her reasons for setting up an adoption plan. And for her, it was truly a selfless act. At that time, she would not have been able to care for a baby very well. And, she wanted to help someone start a family. There you have it; we found each other.

The day E. was born transformed us from a couple into a family. And it was an extended family that was created that day. We still keep in touch with J. Despite everyone's warnings about how it would hurt E. in the long run, or that it would lead to bad feelings, I think we have made the right choice.

Many of my friends who were adopted feel abandoned, that there was something about them that their birthparents rejected on some level. For E., J. is still in his life. It is because of her love that we were able to be a family. At a little under six years of age, he differentiates his birthmother, who grew him in her tummy, and mommy, who takes care of him and kisses his boo boos. If someone asks him if he knows what adoption means, he says it means we are a "perfect match."

And, I believe the reason he is so satisfied with it, is because we talked about adoption from the moment he was born. We never hid the discussion or put it off until he was older. It became a fact of life, not something to make a fuss over. The problems occur when people separate adoptive parents from the "real parents." It creates a schism between everyone. As far as we are concerned, we are his real parents. We are raising him and would give our lives for him if we had to.

I have had people ask me such things as, if I could love E. as much as if he were my "real son." I used to get very angry at such an insensitive question. Now, I feel sorry for such people. I know that my love for E. knows no bounds. I cry at all his hurts and I find nothing as wonderful as waking up to find he has crawled into bed to cuddle with "mommy and daddy." Now that's incredible, that's what it's all about!