Overcoming Childhood Sexual Abuse: My Experiences and Advice to Others

I am an African-American woman, and I am a childhood sexual abuse survivor. It happened continuously to me when I was between the ages of five and eight. There were three people who sexually abused me, but the one who stands out the most and the one I was around the majority of my life was a member of the family.

The effects of sexual abuse in my life as an adult were myriad and deeply rooted. They were so deeply rooted that for a long time I had suppressed the memories of the abuse until 2002 when I turned 30 years old.

On my 30th birthday, I wished for clarity about my life. As I blew out the candle, I realized it was the right thing to wish for because for such a long time I knew something wasn't right within me. I felt lost. I felt angry. I was depressed. I was distant. I was afraid of sexual activity with emotional attachment. I hated my body. I hated myself...completely. And the truly sad part of all this was that I didn't understand why I felt this way. Therefore, I wished for clarity.

Less than two months later, I was reading a wonderful, riveting novel by an author named Zane called Addicted. The contents of the book were nothing like my life at all, however, memories of abuse that the main character recalled started to help my memory come about my childhood. The acts of sexual abuse were nothing like the novel's content, but the scenes were powerful enough emotionally that it started to bring back all these memories for me.

Over the last several years since my thirtieth birthday, I've tried to education myself as much as possible along with taking bold steps on my healing journey. I have realized during this time that childhood sexual abuse happens all too often in a lot of African-American families.

Although, there's no universal definition for child sexual abuse, the American Psychological Association states that child sexual abuse can be defined as "a central characteristic of any abuse is the dominant position of an adult that allows him or her to force or coerce a child into sexual activity."

The acts of sexual abuse can range from an adult that uses penetration to touching of the private parts to child pornography to engaging a child in seductive sexual conversation. For instance, the relative who molested me used to watch rated R movies with me in private that had explicit sexual scenes in them while he touched and caressed me.

The abuser is someone who usually has low self-esteem, may have a substance abuse problem (although this isn't always the case), is obsessed with having power and control over others, or may be acting out of jealousy or anger. It seems to me that it's never really about sex. It's mostly about power and control, especially control. The abuser may be in a situation or place in his or her life where they may feel as though they have no control over their own lives, so they feel a need to control others.

The child is impressionable and vulnerable. Unfortunately, they are easy targets for abusers because of their vulnerability and need to be loved and paid attention to on a regular basis, especially if the child is in a home or in surroundings where they are constantly ignored or neglected. Any amount or type of attention is oddly welcomed because someone is paying attention. This doesn't mean the child wants to be abused. This means that the child is in a situation where they have nowhere to go.

I know for me I felt trapped. I didn't want to be there in the situation, but I didn't want to be alone either.

In addition, the abuser may issue threats to the child to keep them under control and to ensure that they will not say anything to anyone about what they're doing to them. For instance, the relative told me that he would hurt my mother and hurt me if I said anything to anyone at all. And I didn't want that to happen, so I didn't say one word to anyone until I was well into thirties. The fear and shock of the whole episode in my childhood caused me to suppress for many, many years. This is quite common in most African-American childhood sexual abuse survivors.

From an article published on ScienceDirect, a study was conducted in 2000 by the Department of Maternal and Child Health, University of Alabama at Birmingham, and the Department of Pediatrics, Adolescent Medicine, Medical College of Wisconsin involving an anonymous survey of two hundred and forty-nine adolescent females to evaluate childhood sexual abuse, family environment, and psychological functioning. The results of this survey found that 22.9% of the participants had been sexually abused as children. Of that percentage, they found that 44.3% were within the family. This number is shocking.

One of the issues I've found in my own family once I told the truth aloud between 2005 and 2007 is the 'hush-hush' approach to dealing with such a problem as sexual abuse. This is a dangerous thing. Imagine the African-American family with a secret like sexual abuse as the gun and their silence once the truth is revealed as the bullet in the heart of their bond together. Not to mention the pierced heart of the individual who suffered through the abuse because no one wanted to talk about it or do anything constructive and productive about it.

It becomes a never-ending cycle until a brave soul in the family stands up and says, "Enough is enough! The cycle ends here with me."

In conclusion, I'd like offer some common symptoms or warning signs of child sexual abuse. If you notice anything about anyone you care about, especially a member of your family, please contact a counselor, a police officer, or someone of authority to deal with these types of issues to help the person.

Symptoms (Mental and Physical) of Child Sexual Abuse in Children and Adults

Withdrawal from others

Depression

Too much interest in sexual activity/behavior

Promiscuity as they get older

Involved in several emotionally and mentally abusive relationships/friendships

Suicide attempts or thoughts of suicide

Poor self-care

Poor self-esteem

Self-mutilation

Poor self-image or poor sense of self-worth

There are many other symptoms, yet these are the ones that come to mind. I've included links with this article, so please visit these sites and learn as much as you can and pass the information on to others. I realize that child sexual abuse isn't just something happens in African-American families, but it's an issue that the African-American families as a community need to start dealing with and soon. It's important to mental and emotional stability of our young people. And it's important to the healing journeys of our adult brothers and sisters who suffering inside.

In addition, I'd like to share a few steps in overcoming this issue in your life or to help someone else overcome it.

Steps to Overcoming Child Sexual Abuse

Tell the Truth - Even if you are encountered by others who don't want to talk about it or want to ignore it, hold on to the truth and allow it to set you free.

Write Your Thoughts and Feelings Down - Carry a journal with you everywhere you go and when you feel a need to write your feelings down, please do so. Within the pages of your journal, you can be as honest as you wish without fear.

Seek Help - Contact a therapist, a minister, a healer, and/or a friend to help you. No one can help you, if you don't make it known that you need help. Even if your family wants to live in silence about the truth, there are others outside of the family who will be more than happy to help you through your healing process.

Learn How to Take Care of Yourself - This is important. As you go through your healing process, be sure to add self-care to your list of items to teach yourself and learn from others. As you learn how to do that more, you will feel good about yourself and heal more and more each day.