Overcoming Co-dependency

The day had arrived. My heart pounded louder and louder as the time drew near. I wanted to make a good first impression, but my life had been consumed with making good impressions. That's why I scheduled the counseling appointment in the first place. I told myself so many lies for so many years, and I desperately wanted to break free. I needed to be honest - and I needed to take the first step with my counselor.

So as I sat on the sofa across from her welcoming face, I'm sure she sensed my nervousness. My eyes scanned the office. Tension clung to my shoulders. Deep sighs broke through the silence. As she asked me questions, I feared being transparent.

I just don't want others knowing my struggles - or that I don't have it all together. I fear rejection. I fear disappointing someone.

Slowly, my desire to be free ignored my nerves. After all, my counselor was not as interested in my first impression as much as I was. So I spoke - cautiously at first.

An hour and a half later, I understood how lying to myself increased my physical tension, depressed me, and entangled me in a self-defeating mindset. The lie? I can try to control people, behaviors, and things to offset my feelings of low self-worth. This codependency explained why I had been drawn to harmful situations over and over again in my life, like rescuing people and fixing their situations. Pleasing them. Trying to be perfect. Saying, "Yes," when I should say, "No." Even compromising my values so others wouldn't stop liking me. Or putting others' wants ahead of my needs. I kept silent when I should have spoken up, allowing myself to become a venting spot for others. I mistakenly believed the lie that doing these things would somehow make me feel better about myself.

But now. Oh, the relief! Who eased my tense muscles? Who took the heaviness off my eyes? Who lifted the weight off my shoulders and made me light as a floating feather? Truth.

I tasted freedom. And I want it all. This is what it feels like to be me. To tell the truth about what I'm thinking and feeling. To be true to myself. To step out of the darkness and into the light. Me, meeting the world.

I'm not expecting transparency to be easy. But I am free to be who God has made me to be - regardless of my first impression. By the grace of God I am who I am (1 Corinthians 15:10, NIV). The truth has set me free (John 8:32, NIV). I'm starting to love life, and I see many good days ahead.