Overcoming Domestic Abuse: A Survivor's Story

The number of domestic violence cases ranges from 960,000 to 3 million according to the U.S. Department of Justice. The number varies so widely because not everyone reports abuse. The correct number doesn't matter. The fact that domestic abuse is occurring at all is the problem.

Amy Browne was in an abusive relationship for years. She finally said enough was enough and got her, and her children, out of the situation. With this interview, I hope to shed some light on domestic abuse. How it starts, why people stay in abusive relationships, how to escape, and other components of domestic violence. The interview also covers the different types of domestic abuse, not just physical but emotional, economical, and other forms.

I hope that anyone in an abusive relationship will draw from Amy's courage and know that they aren't alone; others feel their pain and understand. I hope every victim will seek help!

Angel: Hello, Amy, and thank you for doing what I know is going to be a painful interview. I am glad you are willing to share your story with us. It is sure to help others, whether the victim of abuse or not, to better understand.

I'd like to start by asking how old you were when you got married.

Amy: Thank you Angel, I was nineteen when we were married April 25, 1986.

Angel: And how old were you when the abuse started?

Amy: The first day I met him, but I did not realize it as such.Now that I know abuse is also control, I know that it began the first night I met him. That night he said 'I would steal you away from Tom and make you my wife.' I thought it was sweet and even romantic. We were married 6 weeks later and I was pregnant with our daughter. That was control, which is abusive but I did not know better.

Angel: How exactly did it start?

Amy: Years ago I would have said when he first padlocked us in the apartment in South Korea while he went to work. I was 21 (1988). Imagine that: being in a strange country where the man who claims to love you padlocks the door from the outside and goes to work. Yes, my keys were inside with me but we lived in an area where very few people spoke English so I could not open a window and yell for help.

A few months later, after spending the night in the hospital for dehydration form a weeklong migraine, and having four bags if IV's, he did not show up at the hospital to pick me up after I was discharged. I grabbed the free bus on post, and walked the remaining six blocks home by myself. He was put on emergency leave from the army, so he could care for our 18-month-old daughter and me. I slept a lot the next few days and I cannot tell you how many times I woke from a dead sleep to find him inside of me.

I was dehydrated so badly that the doctors on post had tried to insert the IV lines 3 times in both arms, which bruised both arms from the elbows to my wrists. Within a few days, I was feeling better and we went on post. One of Richard's sergeants seen my arms and pulled me aside. He escorted me to the hospital where the doctors confirmed my story that it was the IV's and not Richard or he would have went to jail.

The sergeant had seen how Richard sometimes treated me; those bruises were what he thought he needed to hang him out to dry.

He would bring home bottles of booze and when he would pass out, I dumped them. He would use the grocery money to buy more, so I stopped dumping them out. If I denied him sex, he'd smash things occasionally.

He decided we would have our second child, so he told me to come in the bathroom and I watched as he pushed my birth control pills out of their package and into the toilet. Ironically, it was a rough pregnancy, which got me out of South Korea and away from him for 3 months. I was put on bed rest because I was spotting and when they could not keep it controlled, I was sent back to Pennsylvania.

Angel: Why didn't you leave after those occurrences?

Amy: Truthfully, I thought it was sweet he wanted to protect me from things.Sounds silly I know but he said he locked us in so he did not have to wake me so early in the morning. He'd always have an explanation to everything he did. Trust me, there were other things going on as well. I thought domestic abuse was hitting, I did not realize it was a combination of things such as control, martial rape, isolation, belittling, and beatings.

I stayed because I was ignorant about what abuse really is. I did not realize when he called me a wench, told me I had a pretty face but my body was too huge (at 150 pounds), or told me how to do things that it was abusive. I did not think it was bad for him to go out without me, because I hated leaving my daughter with caregivers who did not speak my language. I honestly thought that him locking us inside while he went out kept us safe and meant I would not be woken at three to let him in. He'd wake me out of a sound sleep after those nights filling his selfish needs, I did not like or enjoy it, but I did not think it was abuse.

He continued waking me up like he did those days following my hospitalization right up until we 2001 when he left two days before our fifteenth anniversary. I never thought there was such a thing as marital rape. Before, when I would wake up with him inside it hurt physically and emotionally, yet I remained quiet. I learned early on that if I said anything he would get very verbally nasty to my kids and me.

Angel: Did you contact law enforcement at the beginning?

Amy: I did not call the police until April 1, 2002. Before that, it never seemed like abuse.

I never thought that what was happening was abuse until I went to college and listened to a seminar of domestic abuse and violence. I never had a clue it was happening to me, I thought I was smarter than that. As different speakers got up and talked, sharing their stories, I heard my own story. I came home, called my local women's shelter, and got into their classes and I began speaking out against this crime. I have spoken to quite a few groups about my story. I just have so much trouble talking about that day in April of 2002. Yet I did not learn all the lessons I needed to learn.

Angel: What goes through your mind when being abused?

Amy: I do not have a clue as far as beatings go, as I have never experienced that but I knew that day in April, 2002 that a beating or worse was coming. That is why I called the police before it happened.

Angel: Did your children face abuse?

Amy: He never beat the children either, but they got their share of emotional and verbal abuse. If I did not give in and give him things he demanded like sex, money or whatever he would make it rough for us.

Angel: Would you care to share the scariest incident of abuse you endured?

Amy: On April 1, 2002, he came back to the house at 2:30 in the morning. We had been separated almost a year at this point, so I think he was feeling like he should be home. I did not want him back at all, but he showed up at 2:30 that morning. We talked on the back porch of our home. He asked why he could not come back. I told him, because I did not want to deal with the BS. For an hour he tried to talk me into it. When his voice began to rise, I told him to leave or I was calling the police. I told him to come back in the afternoon and we would talk, as I knew he had been drinking. Truthfully, I hoped he crashed or would forget to come back. He left, and the dog wanted to go out so I let her out in the back yard to do her business. The dog went around the front of the house so I followed and there was my husband.

Luckily, my daughter, who was 15 at this time, opened the door and I quickly ducked back inside with the dog. Richard knocked on it a few minutes later, I told him if he did not leave immediately I was calling the police and that was it. He called me a few choice names and I saw porch lights all around the neighborhood pop on. He left at that point.

He returned at 2:30 that afternoon, and I was outside hanging clothes in the backyard or I would have pretended I was not home. I got on the porch close to the backdoor so I could duck in if needed. He stood by the car in the driveway talking to me. That was fine until he got very quiet for a few minutes. All of the sudden he said 'you know we could do this without the kids', and I saw the knife in his hand. The bright sunlight hit that blade and almost blinded me, but I got in the house quickly and locked the door. I still remember that shiny knife; it scares the living daylights out of me just remembering.

The distance from the car to the backdoor was 10 feet or so, but I barely had enough time to slip in the door and lock it before he began hammering on it with his fist. This door was metal but it had nine glass windows in it, and I was not 2 feet from that door. I saw the anger in his eyes and I was terrified.

He was saying Amy 'let me in I love you'. It was as if he could not see me, but I could see him plainly. For a few minutes, I could do nothing but stand there, cry, and shake. Then I heard my father's voice in my mind tell me to call the police. I ran for my phone, which was in the dining room near the front of the house and pressed in the numbers 911. I quickly gave my address, and the woman dispatcher asked if someone was trying to break in. I told her it was my husband whom I was separated from. He was banging so loud; she could hear it over the phone. She relayed this to the police. She asked about weapons. I said a knife and I heard her relay this to the police. I was shaking so much I almost dropped the cordless phone and I held it with two hands.

The pounding quit on the back door and she asked me if the front door was locked. I looked at it, and it was unlocked. I quickly turned the lock as he touched it from the other side. I cannot believe he made it around the house so quickly. The dispatcher told me the cops were arriving but not to open the doors. Within seconds, there were three cop cars out front and the dispatcher told me they had Richard in custody. She said there is a cop outback and he was going to knock on the back door. I went to the back door and talked with the police officer.

Richard was escorted off the property by the police and was told not to contact me for at least 3 days. Once the police had gone, I called my dad and he was not home. A few minutes later, my parents showed up and we waited a few minutes for my children. By this time, they were walking the two blocks from school. My dad told me he was listing to the scanner during my call, of course, he could not hear me, but he did hear the dispatcher talking to the cops. He went and got my mom out of work. We went to their house for dinner and they brought us home about 8:30 or so that night.

I turned on my computer and checked email. There were two emails from Richard and I didn't open them, I called my brother in law and the cops. They read the emails and did screen shots. The one said I would kill myself and make it look like an accident. The sad part was, Richard had gone into his email setting and changed the outgoing name so it appeared that I had sent them. The police officer printed off the screen shots and emails. He told me to head to the courthouse to get a protection from abuse order. He then called the police in the small town where Richard was staying and had them go tell Richard to leave me alone or he would be arrested. (The emails were proven to have originated from his computer, which was taken)

I got the kids settled in bed, of course, none of them wanted to sleep in their rooms so I pulled mattresses in my room for the boys and my daughter slept with me. The phone calls began at 1:30am on April 2; I answered the phone because it was the hospital. I thought perhaps that it was a family member. It was Richard; I hung up on him. I could not dial out because he kept calling, must have been hitting redial. He kept calling right back so I unplugged the phone. I went to the other phone line in the kitchen and called the police.

My friend Beth, who is a police officer, was on duty that night. She came here and talked to all of us. Our daughter had answered the phone once earlier so she had to fill out a police statement. Imagine that, I could smack him for making our daughter have to file a police statement against him; she would not be the only child doing this. Beth took our statements, went to the hospital, and arrested him as he was being admitted for yet another mental breakdown.

The police force in our tiny town of 5,000 in 9 officers, and 7 of them were at my house at different parts of the 24-hour period. Scary. You bet it was scary!

Mom and I went to the courthouse the next day and got the protection from abuse order. I dropped off copies as I was supposed to the sheriffs, the Pennsylvania state police and gave two copies to the local police. I was to carry one with me all the time.

Shortly after our kids began arriving home from school the phone rang. Our youngest son picked up the phone, and said 'hi dad'. I grabbed the phone out of his hand and called the police who were now on speed dial. This time it was our youngest child who was filling out a police statement against his father for breaking a protection from abuse order. Richard had broken the PFA within 10 minutes of being served. It was at this point I decided to take the kids, against their wishes, and we went to my parents for a few days.

I had that PFA for a month before I got it modified because our daughter had run away. It was modified so we could talk in a room with someone else present. In late October, I dropped it all together and we were talking. We reconciled in November 2002 after our daughter lost her first baby.

Things were great for a year, because he was not drinking and was on his medicines. Then in June of 2004, he began drinking again with his work friends. I was getting all the abusive type stuff once more. I thought I could change him again. I was wrong.

Angel: What finally made you leave the relationship?

Amy: Unbelievably it was not the abuse; it was his sexual addictions.

Angel: Who helped you escape, and how did they help?

Amy: When I heard him tell his friend that he loved her and she yelled back, and they just kept yelling it as if I was not sitting right there, I took my stand. I have not looked back. I came to our home, gathered his stuff, and put it outside. I went to Wal-Mart and got new locks, which our middle child installed.

Angel: What has life been like on your own?

Amy: The fateful day occurred on June 30, 2005 and I have moved on. It is hard supporting the kids by myself for the most part, but at least they were older so they understood things better. They are 16, 18, and 21 now and they have each done a whole bunch of growing up in the past few years. They help me, as needed, which makes it easier to deal with life.It's hard living on your own doing the job of two parents, but on the bright side, I get the love for two parents as well.

Angel: What advice would you give someone in an abusive relationship?

Amy: My advice is not to deal with it. If you would not let a friend talk to you that way, why let a spouse or significant other get away with it?No one deserves to be called names, locked in their home, or denied anything. Do not stick with the clown thinking they will change; I wasted half of my life that way.

Angel: Do you believe abusers can change? That they can stop being abusive?

Amy: They only way someone will stop calling you names is if you remove yourself from them the same way with hitting or beating they will not stop while you stay there. Jokingly I answer that question sure, if you cut off their arms, legs, and tongue, but that would get you a vacation in jail.

Angel: Does past abuse have an effect on your current relationship?

Amy: Yes, I find myself holding back at times, or walking on eggshells. I want a more permanent solution than just dating, but my boyfriend of almost 3 years does not want this. Rather than upset an otherwise good relationship, I remain quiet. I feel like I am cheating myself out of happiness by just dating. I do not wish to remain living alone, but my boyfriend wishes to live in his own apartment. I want more and I deserve more. I hate it when he talks to a certain woman because I am scared he will seek her company. Many fears carry over from my marriage to this dating relationship. I am healing but I feel far from being healed.

Angel: Do you think there is one thing that keeps a majority of people in abusive relationships?

Amy: Yes, they do not realize that it is abusive because they are not beaten. An abusive relationship is far more then just being beaten. I used to believe I could not make it on my own, so I thought I would stay until I had a good job. I used to believe that no one else would want me, so I stayed. I did not think I could handle three children on my own, so I stayed. I am like millions of others in that situation, but I got out.

Angel: Is there anything else you'd like to share?

Amy: There are six different types of abuse within a relationship. Everyone should recognize these types of abuse and if two or more are present in a relationship you are currently in, seek help. Know that you are better than that, and deserve so much more.

Physical abuse is slapping, pushing, and even biting.

Emotional abuse is calling you names (I was called wench, fat a**, stupid, etc)

Sexual abuse is being forced into having sex or doing any thing of a sexual nature without your consent. (Martial rape)

Threats- I will kill you, rip the phone out, disable your car etc, (see where he told me we could do this without the kids)

Intimidation abuse is breaking your prized items, and gestures such as raising a fist to make you comply.

Isolation abuse is when you are kept from seeing other people or leaving a place. Like when he locked me inside the apartment.

Economic abuse is when the abuser controls the money; all paychecks are that person's. I used to get an allowance to buy groceries with, or gifts. I was not allowed to have the checkbook at all, even though it was a joint account. He said what car we would buy or not buy, he bought me a car, but I was not allowed to get a license. When he left in 2001, he took both cars with him and left me the kids and the house.

As you can see, Amy went through a lot before making her final break. She is one of the lucky ones that actually had the time to do this. Others are killed that stay in abusive relationships too long. The violence WILL escalate. It is best to get out early.

There will be links provided with this interview that explain the different types of abuse, and ways to find help. Be proactive. Take your life in your own hands and do what's needed. Do not stay in an abusive relationship thinking you can change the person. We are each responsible for ourselves. Only when we are ready to change, will we. Take care of yourself, and any children present, and let the abuser worry about himself.