Overcoming the Emotional Toll of an Unplanned C-section

Many people don't realize that the experience of having an unplanned cesarean section carries with it an emotional toll. Feelings of failure, inadequacy, and guilt are common among women who have had unplanned c-sections. Most of them had imagined a much different birth, one where they were the first to hold their baby, a more personal birth rather than the sterilized experience a cesarean birth offers. Many of them feel disconnected to the whole birth, as if not seeing your baby come out of you makes the whole thing seem unreal.

I had an unplanned c-section, and my after-birth experience did not feel like I thought it would. I did not get to feel that emotional high my friends and family and the baby books had said I would feel. Instead, I was very sleepy from the drugs and in pain from the surgery. I was falling asleep as I saw my baby girl for the first time. I got to kiss her once and smile for a few pictures before I went completely under from the anesthesia and my daughter was taken away. I couldn't breastfeed her right away like I wanted to because of a high fever I ran during labor and, out of fear of infection, they kept her away from me for 24 hours. I woke up in the recovery room feeling slightly disoriented and as if I didn't just give birth; it was like there was no sense of closure to my pregnancy. The day after the birth, I felt an overwhelming sense of wanting to get pregnant again soon. I didn't exactly realize it at the time, but that feeling came from the fact that I wanted a chance to do it over again and prove I could do it "right" this time.

(Of course not everyone who ends up with an unplanned c-section goes through this. This was just my personal experience.)

I was convinced that I had failed. I was convinced that everyone around me, my husband, my mom, and my midwife, thought I had failed. I had wanted a natural birth, no drugs, no epidural. I ended up getting both and felt like it was my fault I had a c-section because I wasn't strong enough to deal with the pain and got an epidural. I felt like I did everything wrong and that if I had just been a little stronger, had been a little more adamant in voicing my wishes, I could have avoided this c-section.

More and more women are having unplanned cesarean sections and the numbers are rising. Many of them go through these same feelings after a cesarean birth. A lot of them think, "What's wrong with me? I should be happier than this." Of course you are happy your baby is healthy, but you just can't shake that feeling that you wish your birth went differently.

One of the first steps you should take to help yourself feel better is to write down your birth story. Write it all down, feelings and everything. It may be hard and may take a few tries before you get it all down, but stick to it. Talk with loved ones about your feelings. They're your emotional support during this time, and more than likely they will tell you that you did great. For me, one of the best things that helped me feel better was when my husband described the birth to people. He talked about how well I had done and how I had waited a long time before I got the epidural. Hearing it from his perspective helped. It made me realize once and for all that he did NOT think I had failed, and that went a long way towards helping me let go of the guilt I was feeling.

Another way to help yourself feel better is to spend time researching what happened to you and learn how next time you can be prepared. I was induced because I had low amniotic fluid. After some research, I found out that I could have drank some water and requested to be retested. If my levels had increased, that would have eliminated the need for induction, which would have made it easier to deal with natural contractions and hopefully eliminate the need for an epidural. I also put a lot of time into researching vaginal births after cesarean, or VBACs. This helped me feel better knowing that next time I'll be more knowledgeable and hopefully avoid another c-section.It helps to talk about your feelings with people who have been through the same thing. I joined an online forum for mothers who've had a c-section and want to try a vaginal birth next time. The women there were incredibly supportive, and knowing I wasn't the only one who felt like I did helped me come to terms with my unwanted c-section. You can also join the International Cesarean Awareness Network (ICAN).

If you are planning on having more kids, prepare yourself as much as you can for a vaginal birth. Start saving money for a doula. A doula is a birth assistant who can be very helpful in succeeding at a VBAC. They know many techniques for resting through labor and natural ways to cope with pain. They'll also be your advocate during birth and delivery. It also helps to read or hear inspiring VBAC stories. My cousin, who delivered her two twin girls via a double incision c-section, had her son two years later vaginally. I was so inspired after I heard that...and motivated to try for a VBAC myself.

Most importantly, realize that it's ok to feel sad over your c-section and many others feel that way too. But also realize that you have done nothing wrong, and the fact that you feel bad about the way your birth went shows how much you care about your baby. Look at your son or daughter right now, and you'll see that they love you. Try to spend time thinking of the good things you're doing for your baby, and think of the things you can do for them in the future.