Overcoming Jealousy in Relationships

Jealousy can be the death knell of any relationship. Jealousy is often a natural reaction. There's nothing wrong with a little healthy jealousy. Normally, the feeling of jealousy is little more than a startle reaction, so to speak. An automatic reaction to an unusual situation.

Though we don't know it, jealousy wraps up a culmination of events in our psyche that we are not even aware are happening to us. Feelings of inadequacy, fear of abandonment, even a childhood moment of embarrassment regarding the opposite sex can all climax at one point in our brain when a situation sets off a chain reaction in our brain, over stimulating it into remembering these past events although the specific memories escape us.

Most mature adults in a relationship can handle a little jealousy from time to time. When relationships run into trouble is when a partner or both partners have a hard time coping with or overcoming their feelings of jealousy. A little jealousy is healthy, even stimulating to a relationship, allot can kill it. Not only will overwhelming jealousy create conflict in a relationship, but it can take a toll on you personally if not dealt with appropriately.

Overcoming jealousy can be a daunting task, especially when all things considered, the only person that can truly overcome jealousy is, well, you. No matter what your significant other in a relationship does, they will never be able to please you enough to keep you from having feelings of jealousy. Understanding this is the first step to overcoming the problem. You cannot force your partner to act, dress, or think a certain way and maintain a healthy relationship, just to try to overcome your own jealousy.

Analyzing your jealousy is probably the best way to begin to handle it, then you can work on what exactly makes you feel this way and what you can do to prevent it. For example, if every time one of your spouses opposite sex coworkers calls the house you fly into a jealous fit, examine this. Why does it bother you that this person is calling? Are they becoming involved in an intimate conversation that does not revolve around work? Are they planning on spending time away from work together which you feel is inappropriate? Are you just upset that your spouse is talking to another person of the opposite sex? Finding the motivation behind a jealous fit is one sure fire way to defuse it.

Not justifying your jealousy by using past examples is also a good way to avoid future episodes. For example, just because your ex had an affair does not mean that your present partner will, or will even think about having one. It is not fair to your partner to assume they might step out of the relationship just because someone else did, or even worse, because you have thought about it. If this is the problem, you must ask yourself, are you as committed to this relationship as you think you are?

If jealousy stems from the way your significant other behaves, this also needs to be addressed in a rational way. Are they too flirty in your opinion? Ask yourself, if they maintained this behavior before you entered into a relationship with them, why should they change it now? It is not OK to ask your significant other to change personality traits because you are jealous. It IS OK to ask them to tone it down abit by explaining to them in a logical, rational conversation what exact behaviors bother you and ask them if they are willing to stop these behaviors when they are with you or better yet, to avoid social situations with you that are unnecessary for you both to attend. You may find they are not even aware that certain behaviors bother you. An example of this would be if your partner flirts with the waitress every time you go out to eat and it is uncomfortable for you, asking them to tone it down is not unreasonable. If your partner flirts with the bartender when you go to a bar, choose not to accompany them to a bar. But if your partner refuses to hear you or is not comfortable with the idea of changing their behavior to accommodate you, perhaps they are not on the same level as you are with the relationship and you should discuss this issue before trying to tackle jealousy.

There are many reasons for jealousy to rear it's ugly little head in a relationship. Handling it like a mature, rational person is what you will have to do to overcome this obstacle. If you think about it and rationalize that there is no reason to really be jealous where you have been, then the feelings of jealousy come less often, or less severely until it gets to the point where jealousy is nothing more than a chance for you and your partner to bond with a flirtatious look rather than a jealous glare.

Exercise looking at situations where jealousy was aroused by trying to see it from an outsiders point of view. How would I interpret the situation if I did not know either of these people well? If Jealousy becomes an impairment to the relationship, by all means, select outside resources such as a counselor or trusted religious advisor. Do not listen to every other busy body you happen to pop off to about it when you are angry as they do not know the entire history of the relationship or exactly how either of you feel about the situation that caused the jealousy issue.

Working on one's own issues can also help jealousy loose it's potency. If you realize that you are overreacting to a situation, admit when you are wrong. this will strengthen the relationship rather than causing distrustful feelings to build up. No one wants to feel like the person they care about can't trust them. If you realize you are projecting feelings from past experiences into the current relationship, discuss this with your partner. This way they understand why you feel like you do, even if they can't make it go away, they can see your point of view, and that also helps the relationship to grow.

Lastly, remember that jealousy is never "just a phase" of a relationship. Is can be a serious issue that can make or break an otherwise healthy relationship. Dealing with it is up to you.