Overcoming Listening Barriers in a Relationship

No one is perfect, and no one is a perfect listener. Through our own inattention, distraction, preoccupation, or disinterest, we have all experienced situations in which we did not practice effective listening skills. When we fail to listen properly, we often miss important information, misunderstand a message, or portray ourselves as uncaring. In matters of interpersonal communication, our failure to listen to our loved ones can damage personal relationships. We can all practice listening strategies that help us to focus our full attention on those who engage us in interpersonal communication. By identifying and working to counteract our personal listening barriers, we can become better conversationalists, retain more information, and improve our relationships.

Since my own wedding in February of 2008, I have come to believe that marriage is constructed on a foundation of interpersonal communication. As Beebe, Beebe, and Redmond (2008) note, we are always communicating, even when we are not speaking out loud. When we do engage in verbal conversation, our tones, inflections, facial expressions, and body gestures convey additional meaning along with our actual spoken words. Such nonverbal signals compose our listening behavior and can belie our internal feelings toward a person, topic, or conversation. As Beebe, Beebe, and Redmond explain, our personal listening barriers can cloud or fragment our understanding of what others are trying to tell us. The authors also note that, in close personal relationships, such as marriage, we tend to take more "listening shortcuts" (p. 131).

The tendency to "tune out" while listening can cause frustration, anger, and feelings of inadequacy within a marriage. Personally, I find myself susceptible to what Beebe, Beebe, and Redmond (2008) refer to as "emotional noise" (p. 133). For example, not long ago, my husband and I became engaged in an argument that spiraled quickly into one-sided emotional outbursts. The problem began when my husband came home and informed me that he had been involved in a car accident while driving my car. I just bought the car in November; it is, by far, the newest and most expensive vehicle I have ever owned; and it is an object of personal pride and pleasure for me. These factors combined to cause in me an immediate emotional reaction to the situation that interfered with my ability to engage in a logical discussion with my husband. Because I was so upset that my car had been damaged, I found myself unable to separate my emotions from my responses, and I disregarded much of my husband's explanation of what had happened. I was unable to listen through the emotional noise to hear that the accident was in no way my husband's fault, and he became upset and hurt that I was not listening to his side of the story. In turn, he became what Beebe, Beebe, and Redmond call a "self-absorbed listener" (p. 132) because he was preoccupied with his experience in the car accident and his perception that I was not paying attention to his need to explain what happened.

In this situation, my husband and I would have had a more constructive conversation if we had each stopped to consciously recognize our personal behavior and focus on effective listening strategies that would have allowed us to "hear" each other over the noise of our own listening barriers. We could have logically worked together to identify immediate actions and solutions in regard to our sudden lack of a vehicle, and we could have avoided a nasty fight that left us both with anger and hurt feelings toward one another. For my part, I could have used what Beebe, Beebe, and Redmond (2008) call "self-talk" (p. 137) to separate my emotional reactions from my response to the situation. In addition, my husband could have taken the authors' suggestion to "shift attention" (p. 137) to acknowledge that the situation impacted me just as much as it impacted him. By both taking a moment to compose ourselves and consider the circumstances from an active listening standpoint, we could have more effectively addressed the core issue.

To neutralize my "self-talk" and focus my attention on what my husband was trying to tell me, I should have stopped myself as soon as I heard that he had been in a car accident. I should have asked my husband to give me a moment to compose myself before we continued the conversation. In that moment, I could have focused on separating out the message from the emotions it caused. I could have made a conscious decision to set aside my emotions and attend to the problem at hand, at least for the duration of the conversation. Next, I should have asked my husband to tell me what happened, and I should have listened quietly and reserved judgment until I understood all the details. Once I understood the situation, I should have made a mindful effort to be open to the fact that the accident was not my husband's fault and that my emotional upset over the damage to my car served no use in dealing with the circumstances. By concentrating my attention on the communication between my husband and I instead of allowing my emotions to drown out his words, I would have gained more information from the conversation and presented myself as a more sensitive listener to his experience.

By taking an intentional approach toward listening and implementing conscious listening strategies, we can improve our reception of information and direct our communication efforts to deal constructively with that information. Once we have eliminated our personal listening barriers, we are able to focus on the true core of interpersonal communication and engage in meaningful, give-and-take interaction. When we fail to identify and overcome our communication shortcomings, we miss out on important information and overlook others' nonverbal messages. Effective listening strategies help people to feel closer to one another and more secure in transmitting potentially difficult information. By consciously working within ourselves and with our loved ones to create safe, meaningful listening environments, we open ourselves to true communication that goes beyond the spoken word.

References

Beebe, S., Beebe, S., and Redmond, M. (2008). Interpersonal Communication: Relating to Others (5th ed.). Allyn & Bacon.