Overcoming the People Pleasing Habit: The Disease to Please

While many people think that being a people-pleaser is an inborn personality trait, the late clinical psychologist Harriet Braiker claims that such a trait is one due to socialization, something that can be overcome due to its destructive habits. "The Disease to Please" is one book that belongs on a bookshelf next to the works of David Seabury and Ayn Rand for its no-nonsense approach to positive selfishness. Like Seabury, Braiker argues that by being able to take care of yourself, you can better take care of those who matter the most to you. Braiker goes one step further in the realm of the "Niceness Syndrome" which dominates the people-pleasing person. Everyone knows this type of person in real life: the one who can never say no to anyone for anything, the person who allows others to take advantage of her (Braiker tends to stress the female people pleaser if only because it is women who are socialized to put off their own needs in favor of taking care of the husband and children) to the point of being turned into a doormat.

Being labeled a "Nice person", according to Braiker, means that one may have other beneficial qualities which are usually not mentioned at the cost of, well, being a nice person. If one is basically considered a nice person, then one is always pleasing others, agreeable, someone who does not "rock the boat" in relationships. Of course, being this way can take its emotional and physical toll on a person because what that means is that the person who is "nice" is essentially a doormat. To top that off, being labeled a "nice person" also means the following: the person in question is probably not respected too much since she allows others to treat her shabbily in return for being nice always, constantly, never appearing to be a individual agent separate from other people.

Braiker outlines the people-pleasing mindset and provides several sets of questions throughout the book that the reader can evaluate her personality to discover just how "nice" she is. Approval is the next subtopic the author delves into, explaining that people who are constantly nice to others are always seeking approval due to having zero to low self esteem. I am reminded of a former job where I worked at a department store and my trainer, a co-employee, would show me how to do something not as required by the company, but rather by her way, then say to me "You are such a nice person." Then I would have to politely reply, "Oh, I am not that nice," meaning of course that I was not the type to allow someone to step all over me. But that is just one example of how a non-people pleaser might reply to such a comment.

Braiker profiles case studies of women who have fallen into the people-pleasing stage which can cost not only emotionally but also their reputations. Women who stay with abusive men as a result of romantic addiction, or with families where alcoholism and abuse is the norm, have it tough because they are predisposed to such relationships, not knowing there is something better for them. Psychologically this is called "remaining in your comfort zone." With the guide that Braiker provides at the end of the book, the people-pleaser can overcome the destructive habit of not being able to say "No" when the situation warrants. The guide is spread out over a 21-day period which the people pleaser can use to learn how to say no to others without alienating them, thereby permitting the overcoming people pleaser to learn how to stand up for herself, her needs, and take care of herself while not losing friends at the same time.

"The Disease to Please" is an easy to read book and moves quickly through 284 pages. People pleasers will find this book helpful, as will overcoming people pleasers, plus those who want to understand people pleasers. The overcomers learn how to regain their self respect. There is a trusim that those who do not respect themselves will not be respected by others. Braiker mentions how important it is for overcomers to draw boundaries and develop a positive selfishness, instead of constantly trying to please others just to get others to like them (which does not work), doing for others just to keep from being disliked (which does not work), and being a people pleaser (which obviously does not work.) Probably the best song to listen to while reading this book is Ricky Nelson's "Garden Party"; since you really cannot please everyone, you might as well do something to please yourself.

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