Ozzy and Harriet

Project: New family comedy. Pilot episode. Target buyer, GBS (Government Broadcasting Service).

Working Title: Ozzy and Harriet

Legal: Pilot episode script approved by all currently-seated Fairness Doctrine Censors. Content scrubbed by the Cotton Mather Internet Police, and FCC Diversity scans confirm it to be non-ecumenical. Submitted project duly notarized by Attorney Admiral Eric Holder, though he hasn't read it yet.

Treatment / Plot Synopsis:

The year is 2020. The Euro-Wars have ended indecisively, due to the onset of a new ice age, which was blamed on Global Warming. In the former European continent, now known as East Bethesda, such commerce as still exists is conducted using the new common currency, Tulips.

Earth's petroleum resources have been entirely depleted, but the Middle East continues to manipulate world economies, as Iran has discovered vast underground pools of indigenous, untapped wind. The United Nations continues to threaten Iran with harsh and crippling sanctions, going to ever-escalating extremes, like cutting off their access to reruns of Seinfeld. Somehow, Iran still manages to scoff at these draconian diplomatic measures.

Meanwhile, in North America, the economy is beginning to turn around. Unemployment has dropped to 48%, except in the Mexican-held Tzotzil Territories (formerly California), which boast a booming tourism industry, driven by hotels staffed entirely by illegal American immigrants. In an attempt to divert attention from the oil spill that ultimately swallowed Florida, British Petroleum has coal-bombed Alaska, and the entire state of Hawaii has collectively passed out in a sensimilla-induced stupor.

As a result of a radical Manifest Destiny reinterpretation by the Supreme Court, all other states in the "Lower Forty-Seven" have been annexed by Washington, DC, and are now effectively one massive, federal bedroom community, fondly referred to as Bethesda West. This action also removed the need for all that fussy political "re-districting," which is no longer necessary since the formation of the big-tent Inderepublicrat Tea Party.

Fast food has been outlawed, and all caloric consumption is now regulated by the government. School cafeterias are staffed by scary, snood-sporting ex-East-European gymnasts, just like they've always done. All social services and entitlement programs are now managed by the monolithic Department of Health Welfare, Education Welfare & Just Plain Ole Welfare. The new, cabinet-level Bureau of ACORN is canvassing Chicago cemeteries, touting their "It's Never Too Late" voter outreach initiative, and the President's automated weekly phone message has been modified to include the tag line, "To hear this message in English, press two."

Pilot Episode:

This hilarious new fun-for-all-ages sitcom follows a quasi-typical American family that, due to having received a government-managed public education, spells "quasi" with a "K." Ozzy, the emasculated husband and alleged father, has discovered to his delight that he can collect unemployment insurance for 99 weeks, which is longer than most current "shovel-ready" jobs even last. Harriet, a graduate of Wellesley College with a degree in Aberrant Ferret Psychology (which is redundant), is struggling with issues about pregnancy being a violation of her inalienable Constitutional rights and is, as a rule, medicated beyond belief. Their twins, Jody and Buffy, are typical: teen-aged, techno-savvy, wonderfully-appreciative, doting little bundles of joy, with hormones raging like a red-lining nuclear reactor.

And like every other household in the new America, the family is served (and monitored) by Mr/s French, a government-issued mechanical helper-droid. Mr/s French is a standard Citizen Compliance model, complete with sarcasm detectors and rotatable genders. In accordance with the 33rd Amendment (the "political correctness" one), Mr/s French is not engagingly obese, nor engagingly British, nor dressed, in an engagingly demeaning way, as a butler.

As our pilot episode begins, we find Harriet in her home office, where she supports her family by buying and selling politicians on eBay:

"Harriet!"

"Hoo?"

"Honey, are we out of milk?"

"Yes, Ozzy, but we're out of carb credits until next week. Call Mrs. Kravitz next door and see if she'll swap some."

"No can do. Remember, Mrs. Kravitz had to attend Alternative Religion Sensitivity training, down at the Internal Department of Motor Vehicle Revenue."

"Oh, yeah. How about Barney and Betty, across the street?"

"Isn't this their weekend for mandatory volunteering?"

"Don't trouble yourself, dear. I'll activate Mr/s French and send her over."

"Thanks, Sweets. Don't forget, it's Thursday."

"You're right! Today, Mr/s French is gay."

"Mom!"

"Stop shouting, Buffy."

"But Jody's hogging the surfing-the-internet-naked camera!"

"Jody, share with your sister."

"Aw, c'mon, Mom! I've met a new avatar!"

"Jody, I better not finding out you're tweetbooking that Scout Master again!"

"Typical."

"What's that, dear?"

"The Education Czar says that you and Dad are trapped in your own atavistic paradigm."

"It's an inherent element of our generational zeitgeist, dear."

"Whatever."

"Madam?"

"Yes, Mr/s French?"

"You rang?"

"Oh, yeah, I did. Run over to the Rubbles' and negotiate a couple of carb credits, would you?"

"Madam, I believe the Rubbles are at the Post Office just now, for their weekly Body Mass Index monitoring. But I'll check."

"Love the outfit."

"And I, yours, Madam."

"Buffy, have you sent in your daily Citizen Suggestion on how to stop the oil spill yet?"

"Mo-therrrrrr."