Page-View Poison: Drowning in AC Publication Notices, Strippers, Boy Bands

The Gripes of Roth: AC Subscription Overload, Revisited
Almost exactly a year ago, I wrote an article called "AC Subscription Overload." You don't have to read it (unless you really want to; it's pretty good, actually). In that article, I vowed to cut down on my AC subscriptions, to only read articles I was interested in reading, and to stop feeling guilty because I couldn't read every single article written by every single friendly writer on AC. That was a really smart article! Sadly, I didn't follow my own advice, and I'm still drowning in AC publication notices.

Here's a discussion question: How do you manage to read all your favorite AC Contributors' work and still find time to write (that's the hardest part)? I'd love to hear your thoughts. I'm tired of drowning.

Creative Writing Exercise: Finishing the Story Everyone's Forgotten About
Once upon a time, I asked other AC Contributors to give me character, plot, and dialogue suggestions for a short story. Here is the twisted result. (Quick recap: Stub, Urble, and Jesse are garbage collectors. They've just parked their garbage truck in front of Ali and Chantelle's house.)

The Trash of Whispering Hills (continued. Read Part 1 here.)

...As usual, the young women-law students by day, strippers by night-had "forgotten" to bring their trash to the curb.

Stub rang the doorbell.

"Just a second!" Ali called. Stub prayed she was still wearing her Bat Girl costume.

Urble had joined Jesse in the cab of the garbage truck. They were comparing their sandwiches, very loudly. "If you think that's big," Urble shouted out the window, "what do you call this?"

Stub tried to ignore his brother. He's just jealous. Ali likes me, not him.

"Baby! I'm in luuuuuuuuve," Jesse cried out. "This ham is sooooooooooo gooooooood!"

"Whatever, dude. You know you wanna bite my salami," Urble said. Jesse punched his arm and laughed like an asthmatic donkey.

Ali opened the door. "Oh, thank God it's you." She grabbed Stub's good arm and pulled him inside.

"Wh-what?" Stub squeaked. He'd never been inside Ali and Chantelle's house before. None of the garbage men had. He couldn't focus on his surroundings, though. Ali's pink robe was so smooth and shiny and short and clingy.

"Harold's rounding up the trash," she said, rubbing her eyes, smearing what was left of last night's mascara. "Listen, Chantelle and I have been spying on Earl and Eunice next door. We think something's going on. Something bad."

Stub realized he wasn't breathing. "Whaddya mean?" he gasped. "Who's Harold?"

"You ever notice anything odd about their trash?" she asked. Her breath smelled like hazelnut coffee...and whipped cream.

"Ummm, I don't think so."

"They're throwing away crocs."

"Crocs?"

"Not the animal. The shoe. You know, those overpriced, hideous, brightly-colored, holey plastic things?"

Stub nodded. Ali leaned closer and whispered, "They hose 'em off in the backyard before they throw 'em out." Ali's eyes were the loveliest shade of green.

"Huh. So who's Harold?" Stub asked again. He was starting to sweat. Ali's robe was coming untied.

"I'm telling ya," she said, "something isn't right." Her robe was slipping off her shoulder. Stub thought he might faint.

But then Harold ran into the room, yelling and farting. "Got your trash, babe! Is the garbage truck still outside?"

***

All right. That's as far as I'm taking this story. According to my notes, the only reader-suggested details I'm missing are "an alien trying to fit in, but he can't, due to his appearance" and "a crazy person who doesn't realize he's crazy." By the way, Earl and Eunice are serial killers (maybe they're also aliens who don't realize they're crazy), targeting Croc-wearers. Those law-student/strippers are on to something!

I'd like to let the rest of you finish this story. Who's game? We'll make it a collaborative project, where one person adds a sentence or two, and then someone else adds the next sentence or paragraph, and so on. It'll be fun! Let me know if you'd like to participate. I'll publish the results next week.

What's Worse?
Someone who really hates you has tied you to a chair and forced you to sit through the following boy-band concert performances. So, which is worse? New Kids on the Block (NKOTB)--the grown-up version of the boy band--singing their old songs and dancing (I saw them a few nights ago on "Late Night with Jimmy Fallon" and almost peed my pants, laughing...although I do have to admit, they're still hot) or The Jonas Brothers?

Featured Poisonous Articles of the Week
Most of us have AC articles that deserve a second chance. (If you have any stinkers with 30 page views or less that you'd like me to feature here, let me know.) These "poisonous" articles didn't get many page views, but they're worth checking out:

Join Mary Carol Herwood as she visits her grandson's school in Buffalo, New York: "Today is Grandparents Day at School"

Here, Katie Sharp shares a fun way to teach your young child good hand-washing skills: "Teaching Preschoolers Hand Washing"

J.E. Davidson relates a faith-affirming personal experience (miracles do happen!) in this short, worthwhile article: "He is the Ultimate Father"

Jennifer Bove shares her favorite fun, free or very inexpensive, family activities here: "Creating a Lifetime of Family Memories Without the Wallet"

Melanie Gibson introduces us to her beloved cat in this well-written article (which has only 10 page views! We can change that!): "Adopting an Older Pet"

Thanks for helping me to spread some page-view love to these deserving Contributors. Have a great weekend!