Page-View Poison: the Final Chapter

The Gripes of Roth: It was fun while it lasted, but I'm done producing poison.
I don't know why I ever thought I could write a weekly series for AC. People like Abby Greenhill and Pattie Byrd and JerseyNana make it look so easy. This will be my last "Page-View Poison" article, partially because the page views keep dropping, but mostly because my heart isn't in it. Don't be sad (or glad). I'm not leaving AC, no matter how much you beg.

Creative Writing Exercise
A long time ago, I asked for plot, character, and dialogue suggestions from my readers and then started a short story based on those suggestions. You can read Part 1 here and Part 2 here. Then I asked my readers to continue the story (read Part 3 here). Here's the awful ending-probably the worst ending I've ever written. (Remember: Stub is a one-armed garbage man. Ali is a stripper/law student. Maria, your sweet author, doesn't care about this story anymore, and it really shows.)

The Trash of Whispering Hills, Part 4

Stub broke off, his attention captured by a flash of brightly colored plastic peeking out from beneath the couch. "Say, aren't those...Crocs?"

Ali bent down to grab the orange shoes. When she straightened up, her robe slipped off her shoulders and fell to the ground.

Stub's jaw almost hit the ground, too. "I, uh, um," he stammered, staring at the strange tattoo on Ali's left breast, "I need to get goin'. The guys are waiting for me."

"You're not going anywhere, sweetie," Ali said, stroking his cheeks with the foul-smelling Crocs.

Her strange tattoo started to grow. And grow. Now Stub could see that it was some sort of bird-a bird with a gigantic butt. The Buttbird flapped its wings and peeled away from Ali's breast, screeching as its suddenly-three-dimensional butt continued to swell. The creature opened its hideous beak and swooped down, tearing off a chunk of Stub's scalp.

"Get behind the couch!" he screamed at Ali, bleeding all over the lovely white carpet.

Ali didn't budge; she tucked her arms under her bare breasts and chuckled. "It's no use, sweetie. He's hungry and you smell like sweaty Crocs-his favorite."

Stub slashed at the fierce, bottom-heavy bird with a floor lamp, but it was no use. Buttbird snapped off his head and swallowed it in one gulp.

"Ready for dessert, baby?" Ali asked, tossing the orange Crocs into the air. Buttbird caught them in his mouth and squawked happily.

THE END

(The moral of the story is: Crocs are hazardous to your health. Please don't wear them.)

How's Audrey doing?
Audrey was admitted to the hospital twice last week. She was there from Thursday night to Saturday afternoon because she was experiencing some scary side effects from chemo. Then she started running a fever and had to go back Saturday night, and didn't come home until Tuesday morning. So that's why I haven't been on AC much. Good news: Audrey's tons better now. Bad news: There's no way I'm going to get caught up on all of your recently published AC articles. Sorry! (To read more in-depth updates about Audrey, visit her CarePage.)

What's worse?
Marshmallow Peeps
OR
Cadbury crème eggs?

I suppose it's possible to love both of them. If someone gave me an Easter basket filled with Peeps and Cadbury crème eggs, it would end up in the trashcan. Well, I'd probably take a single bite out of one of the crème eggs-that's all I can handle. I wouldn't even unwrap the Peeps. Yuck! My ideal Easter basket would be filled with Reese's peanut butter eggs and Russell Stover's chocolate bunnies, with a few jelly beans and mini-Snickers.

Featured Poisonous Articles of the Week
Easter's coming up, which means you must read this article I wrote last year: "Letters to the Easter Bunny." Thanks! You should also welcome my mom to AC and read her first publication, a poem about Audrey (awww, how sweet!): "The Laughter of Audrey."

My friend Travis once asked me to promote one of his poems. He probably thinks I forgot all about it. Don't ever doubt me, Travis! Everyone should read Travis' poem, "Dream." You'll thank me later. Unless it gives you nightmares. No, really, go read it. It's cool.

Crystal Ray, who must get more page views in a half-hour than I get in a month, gave me a link to her least-successful AC article; here it is: "The Associated Content Performance Bonus." I know most of us are crazy-jealous of all of Crystal's page views, but she's so nice and so supportive of other AC writers. I'm happy to give her "poisonous" article a little boost. We all take the AC performance bonus for granted now, but it hasn't always existed. I don't know about you, but I look forward to my monthly performance bonus...as long as I ignore the fact that my bonus is less than what I could have made working just two hours at my old part-time job. Sucks to be me!

Did you all fall for the April Fool's Day joke AC pulled on Facebook, where they reported they were replacing the performance bonus with coupons and other crappy incentives? I did!

Have a very happy Easter!