PAIN RECIPRICATED

Amazing how one simple word can cause so much transition in so little time. Breathtaking, fearful, compassionate, and unsure are the feelings we exude when love is present. Love consumes our whole being. It carries us to new heights. It smothers us with emotions. It suffocates our minds. It blinds our thoughts. It arouses our confidence. It boosts our self-worth levels. It thrives in our dreams. It banishes or magnifies our weaknesses. It empowers our inner strength. It guides our destinies. Love conquers those who battle. Equally, love devastates those wounded during battle. It is the person we love the most that is capable of hurting us the most....even when they no longer play on our earthly field.

If you had a choice of living without ever experiencing love or living after loosing love, which would you choose? If you choose love, you have to loose to gain. If you choose to never love, you will never gain. The lessons we receive from love are what lift us up and help us grow. We learn to compromise, listen, support, and achieve one another's goal; together.

I decided, years ago, that I would choose to love and never loose it. No one ever told me there was no such thing..pick again. Now, here I am on bended knees--sobbing with a broken heart, and no place to go. No direction of travel seems safe or comforting anymore. I see undying pain through my watery vision. I feel future suffering for my children. Decisions seem to overwhelm my days. Memories are the demons I fight off every hour of everyday. Past voices haunt my night's slumber and awaken me to a trembling body.

You came to me in a vulnerable state. Yet, you were as honest as you were capable. Why did you put all of your heart on the line? Do you have nerves of steal or a clouded judgment? Were you already prepared for what the future was to hold? Your eyes were saddened with unseen pain. Your face, pale with an agony rarely felt. Your words trembled in an injured tone I could not recognize or relate to. Your aura was filled with a nervous tension. Your subtle motions became the reflection of your busy mind. Your mood brought forth an unmistakable feeling of loss...deeper than anyone could ever imagine.

My entire being began to transform. My mind started rapidly searching for any hints of solid ground to safely land. My body was sending signals of distress to all areas. A panic swept over my spirit and descended unfadingly into the pit of my stomach. My heart was pulsating at an uneasy rate and throbbing with a fatal injury. My nervous system was showing its unsettled presence through endless fidgeting movements. My emotions were in a vulnerable state.

For over sixteen years we took care of one another. I was suppose to save the world...one person at a time, but I failed you. I failed me. How can I save others if I can't save the one person closest to me? I lost the belief I had in my abilities. I fight the what ifs everyday. I know it was your decision alone to end your life, but in reality, that is never an option. Now our two young angels had to sing a heart-wrenching song to you and be knocked down into a deep hole...never understanding why.

For your selfish decision, I wanted you to know what it was that you would be missing:

Birthdays, holiday, and vacations.
Walking down the isle on the girls wedding day.
Seeing your grandchildren for the first time.
Teaching the girls how to fish, hunt, drive a car, and cope.
Influencing their decisions.
Wrapping your strong arms around them when no one else's comfort will do.
Tucking them in at night and getting them off to school in the morning.
The group of first boyfriends and adolescent behaviors.
High School graduations, plays, and softball games.

Most importantly-reminding the girls how much you love them and that you will always catch them when they fall.

We all love and miss you dearly. We pray that you found the peace you were so diligently searching for.