Pamela Anderson (and Her Breasts) Turn 40..!

The news hit me like a line drive right between the eyes: Pamela Anderson is 40! I'm not quite sure why this news (I read it the other day on MSN.com) is important to me. Sometimes it's like I can't control the flow of words that rush from my fingertips. We all have or eventually will hit the big 4-0. So why does Pamela Anderson turning 40 make me feel like I'm experiencing a loss of innocence?

I'm thinking there's some parable here for modern times. Cuz if you think of it, it's been a heck of a long time since any new episodes of Baywatch actually aired on television. I was never a big Baywatch fan -- the rescues performed on that show always seemed about as real as the breasts that were typically flopping around on the lifeguards as they ran down the beach in slow-motion, but I do remember reading and being impressed by the fact that the show was the number one worldwide syndicated hit on cable television for years and made David Hasslehoff a wealthy man beyond his wildest dreams. That is if he didn't snort all the profits from the show up his nose.

But what's more impressive is that out of the small core group of principal actors and actors on Baywatch -- Pamela Anderson is really the only one that has survived in the business. You think the worldwide popularity of Baywatch helped David Hasslehoff's singing career? Fat chance. Did it score him a gig on the in-the-works re-make of Knight Rider? Gimme a break. What about the rest of the cast? Yasmine Bleeth? Uh-uh. In fact, I don't think any of the former cast members are doing anything more significant than cashing their residual checks. But Pamela Anderson and even more important - Pamela Anderson's breasts -- have managed to survive and actually prosper in the ensuing years since Baywatch sank off the shores of Southern California.

Success in Hollywood is not an easy thing to accomplish for an actor or actress with talent. So you can imagine how much more difficult it gets once you crack 40 years old and the only marketable assets you have are being bounced off your knees like soccer balls at the World Cup.

So wipe the smirk off your face just long enough for me to point out how incredibly business-savvy Pamela Anderson really is. Like I said -- there are lessons to be learned here. So take note, and don't be surprised if you find yourself booking an appointment for breast enhancements at a Dr. 90120 franchise in a neighborhood near you.

a) Get a website. What a no-brainer. Pamela Anderson not only has an official website (www.pamelaanderson.com) which features her two major assets listed above, but also has such notable links as a diary, a store and a list of charitable institutions which also benefit from her talents. You will notice that as time continues, there's a significant difference between the Pamela Anderson who exists in real life (and is 40) and the images in her many photos and film clips (who is about 25). But that's savvy marketing: imbed the right image in the public's eye. I'm not sure if this will work when Pam is 50, but it seems to be working for her now.

b) Understand that any publicity is good publicity -- so why put a stop to the roughly 7,500,000 websites that link in one way or another to Pamela Anderson. Don't believe me? Do a Google search of "about Pamela Anderson" and see how many turn up. In fact, why not do a Google search of "Pamela Anderson's Breasts" and wallow in the imagery of 1,650,000 related websites.

c) Make a fake porn video with one of your many husbands and accidentally circulate it on the web -- for money.

d) Protest against the cruelty of animals while at the same time wearing leopard skin thongs and related evening attire.

e) Pose for Playboy anytime your breasts get bigger.

I've forgotten a few things I'm sure. Didn't Pam star in an animated television series? Doesn't she do calendars? I'm sure you'll agree that virtually all the elements of Pam's success could be applied to anyone. Even me, and I'm way past 40. I could make a website -- but I don't know how many page views I'm gonna get when I include pictures of me in a thong bikini running on the beach. I could make a fake porn video with my wife. We can probably work around this one by keeping the lights off, wearing infrared goggles and giggling a lot. Which -- come to think of it -- is what we do anyway.

Darn it, I'm man enough to say that Pamela Anderson should be giving power-talks to most of America's CEO's. She's 40 and the rest of us are just standing on the sidelines watching the sideshow that is called her private life.

To quote Pamela herself: "I'm much more than a pair of breasts. I represent success, hard work and fun!"

Man -- if that slogan isn't screaming to be part of Hilary Clinton's election campaign, I don't know what does.

Happy 40^th Pamela -- let's hope your next 40 are equally enhanced.