Pandering to the Lowest Common Denominator

In math, the lowest common denominator is the smallest positive integer that is a multiple of the bottom number of fractions. This is important because once we derive the lowest common denominator we can convert our numbers and then add or subtract fractions.

In society, the lowest common denominator is the least sophisticated level of taste. You want to sell cars to men? Get a pretty girl with lots of cleavage because all men like cleavage, right? That's the lowest common denominator.

Unfortunately, the lowest common denominator is the rule, rather than the exception. And it's not just selling cars. The lowest common denominator mentality afflicts every area you can imagine. Don't believe me? Here's a sampling:

Social - We may not be able to find Venezuela on a map, but most citizens of our country can tell you whether or not Lindsay Lohan is in rehab this week.
Political - Want to sell congress on a mission of nation building and creating business opportunities for your cronies? Tell everyone of the imminent threat of Weapons of Mass Destruction.
Intellectual - What's the hottest game show involving questions of fact? Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader of course.
Religion - Want to carry out a holy war and get people to blow themselves up for your cause? Why, promise them 72 virgins in the after life!
Economics - Want to get the masses to support programs that only benefit the rich? Tout the wonders of Supply Side economics and tell them that tax cuts are the key to everything.

Those are all examples of the lowest common denominator. Who isn't interested in out of control rich kids and tax cuts? Who isn't afraid of crazy dictators with access to nuclear weapons? It's catering to the basest elements.

Usually, I try to write articles that aim higher than the lowest common denominator. Call me crazy, but I believe we should try to do better than pander to the stupidest things that unite us. But you know what? Today I am going to stop fighting against the tide. I'm going LCD and I am not going to make any apologies, either. The rest of this article is about one simple thing.

The pain one experiences when hit in the testicles.

Yes, the staple of those Funniest Home Videos shows. This is about the kick to the crotch, the knee to the groin and the blow to the balls. Why is this funny? Why do we take delight when we some poor guy gets momentarily paralyzed with a shot to the family jewels?

I got thinking about this today when my son nailed me twice in a period of about five minutes. The first time wasn't too bad but the second time brought tears to my eyes. And I know some of you are laughing just thinking about this. Well, curse you, especially those of you with your reproductive organs safely ensconced inside your body.

I remember back when I was in college, I was over at my friend's house during break. We were in his kitchen, talking to his mom. My friend's niece walked up to him, and without saying a word, wound up and punched him in the nuts. His mom and I almost fell down laughing.

Now that I've got children of my own, I know it is no laughing matter. Why is it that kids have some kind of radar lock on the gonads? I know they're hanging there at their height, but the accuracy they have, even as a toddler, is nothing short of amazing. The same kid that can't bring a spoon half filled with milk from the bowl to the mouth without spilling all of the sudden has bullseye accuracy. How is that?

Clearly, laughing is not the appropriate response when you see someone take it in the tallywags. But what is? Somehow, telling them not to be a baby or telling them to shake it off are not the right replies, either.

Should you tell them to hold their hands above their head and count to 10? No, that's for hiccups. Should you tell them to take their palms and push up on the forehead to keep the eyes open? No, that's for sneezes. Should you tell them to go to the freezer and put a bag of peas on it? No, that's for a black eye.

Why is that we have home remedies for just about anything except a clanger to the bangers?

I used to play basketball at a hoop attached to a telephone pole. It was right over a curb, which meant when the ball went through the net, it would occasionally fall and ricochet off the curb into some poor fool's unsuspecting danglers.

At that hoop was the only time in my life where I witnessed someone who tried to offer some "practical" advice to the victim. Maffeo went over to Garis and told him it wouldn't hurt so bad if he wore briefs instead of boxers.

I question the validity of the response, but in hindsight I admire the sincerity in which it was offered.

So, the next time you see someone clobbered in the cojones, try to do something besides laugh. Wait a second, this was supposed to be about the lowest common denominator. Go ahead and guffaw. The only thing funnier is seeing someone slip on ice.