Panic Disorder: A Personal Account

I was lying on the couch in our living room and reading one of my favorite magazines after everyone had gone to bed. Everything was quiet. Only the soft yellow light from the lamp next to me lit the room. I flipped through the pages, feeling content and relaxed.

About fifteen minutes into my reading, I felt a fuzzy tingling sensation in my head and arms. I thought it was a little weird, but continued with my article. The feeling began to increase and spread through the rest of my body. I felt light headed but also an incredible pressure in my head and neck. "Am I going to black out?" "I'm losing control," I thought. I wanted to say something, to call for my mom or sister, but I was too afraid if I did anything it would get worse.

My heart was racing so fast and I couldn't catch my breath. I started to feel dizzier and dizzier. It felt like my mind was being pulled away from me, sort of like when you first begin drifting off into sleep; only I was wide awake. I had no idea what was happening to me. I was afraid I would do something stupid or dangerous. I could not trust myself. I was so scared.

Finally, I got up, went into my mom's room, and told her what I was experiencing. She wasn't sure what the problem was. She talked to me for a while and helped me to calm down. After about an hour of this, I finally dozed off.

The next day when I woke up, I felt different. I felt detached from everyone and everything. I remember thinking, as me an my sister walked down the street, that I felt as if I were trapped in a gray bubble. I still had no idea what happened the night before. I never experienced anything like that prior. But, something had changed in me. I was not myself, and the world did not feel the same either.

For three months after that happened, I had more episodes like the first one, only they became more intense. I began developing extremely irrational fears. I was afraid I was dying, afraid I was being possessed, and afraid I was going crazy. I couldn't sleep at night. I was too worried that if I let my guard down, whatever terrible thing that was happening to me, would completely take over.

It was horrible. I never felt safe and I never felt OK. All of my emotions, other than fear, almost completely disappeared.

Then, one day my aunt stopped by our house. We were talking about the problem I was having, and she said, "It sounds like Panic Attacks, I have those sometimes too...You should go see your Doctor about it." Something clicked inside of me when she said that. It was as if a huge cement block had been lifted off me.

I went to see my Doctor and after extensive questions and running some tests; he concluded that it was in fact Panic Disorder. I felt so good knowing that I was not crazy. He explained to me that many people, for various reasons develop chemical imbalances that can create excessive and irrational fear. When that happens, you overreact to everything as if it were life threatening. After the panic attacks begin, they feed off themselves. One panic attack makes you afraid of having another, and so you end up panicking about that, and so on.

He gave me a prescription that treated anxiety and panic disorder, and within two weeks I could tell a difference. After a month, I wasn't having any panic attacks. My mind felt clear and healthy again. The world seemed normal. The gray bubble was gone.

I took medication for Anxiety and Panic off an on for about five years. One of the reasons I believe I had to stay on the medication for as long as I did, is because I would start to feel better and then think I didn't need the pills anymore. I'd stop taking them without the Doctor's go ahead and soon be back in the grips of panic. I recommend that if you are on medication for similar reasons, do not stop taking it without the Doctor's ok.

Today I've been off medication for three years and have not suffered from Panic attacks. I decided that I wanted to learn how to control the panic myself. Numerous Self Help and Mental Health books and programs have helped me. I think the greatest help has been learning that I can control my thoughts and that by controlling them and changing them, I can prevent the panic they often create.

I find meditation to be very important; sitting quietly while repeating a positive word or phrase, or focusing on my breathing is effective. It's all about getting control of your mind, and not allowing it to run amok and tear you down. It also helps you to be in the present moment, instead of scaring yourself with all of those "what if's" we worry so much about.

Affirmations are also a significant help. They help train our minds to think in better, healthier ways. If you suffer from Panic Disorder or any illness, I really hope you will try affirmations; they are so valuable. (For more information about affirmations, see the link on the left, listed under resources).

There are many different ways to treat Panic Disorder as well as other conditions. If you are experiencing any of the things I was, take comfort in knowing that you are not crazy and you are ok.

Sometimes we get so buried in these problems that we believe we'll never overcome them. There is an end and you will get better, but you have to be willing to do what it takes to start healing.

Talk to someone about it and go see a doctor. If being on medication isn't something you find appealing, your doctor can help you find other forms of treatment. Medication is not your only option, but may be required initially. I don't like taking pills to solve my problems either, but I admit that it was necessary to begin with and I am grateful that I had that option.

Don't let yourself suffer anymore.