Parable of the Burning House: Getting Out Alive

Today, my friends, I am going to share three pieces of wisdom

that have been shared with me over the years and from which I have

learned and grown.

But first, I want to give a brief account of a parable

that can be found in the Lotus Sutra, an important

"teaching" that was influential over 500 years ago in Japan

and is still a vital text in many world religions and philosophical

studies.

This parable comes from the second chapter called 'Expedient Means".

And although reprinting the parable in its entirety would

most likely make it's meaning clear (and my use of it here is

only one of it's many meanings...the great thing about parables),

for the purpose of expedient means I will tell it in a few sentences

in my own words.

The parable begins with a rich man overseeing his many sons in

his large mansion. Although the man was rich and the mansion

was large, it was also old and in poor repair.

One day, a huge fire broke out in the house and the man, who loved

his sons, tried to get them to leave the house and go to

safety. But each of his sons was so consumed with his toys and

games that he could not be convinced to leave.

So First, the father explained to them what was actually happening.

He explained that the house was old and was burning and that they

must leave or they would parish.

The sons paid no mind to this. They were too young to understand.

Second, he attempted to take them from the house himself. But they

would not go with him. And he could not carry them all out, and

would not leave any behind to die.

Finally, he offered them large and expensive gifts....wonderful prizes

that they could have if they would come out into the yard and get them.

Although the sons still did not understand the house was on fire

or that they were in danger, they left the house and came to the

yard and claimed their prizes.

The father, of course, gave them to them.

The father, however, was asked..."Why did you do this?"

"You tricked your sons to leave the house, and they learned nothing."

"Better that they get out of the house alive," the father responded,

"then have them learn a lesson. Now that they are safe, I will

have opportunities to teach them lessons. Opportunities that

would have been lost had they died. I gave them the prizes,

because they were too young and to inexperienced to hear anything

I said to them."

So...Over the years I have discovered some personal "expedient means".

None of them are particularly wrong or particularly right. They don't FIX the underlying problems. They simply can help one to get out of the fire. So I just thought I would share them with you for your consideration.

About 18 years ago, when I was going through my divorce, and was having

difficulty with my parents, who had also recently gone through a

divorce and were in alot of pain, I visited a counselor who

gave me this advice.

It was a simple phrase but one that has stuck with me to this

date. The way he said it, just bluntly, was the expedient means

that I needed to get out of my mindset and leave my burning house.

EXPEDIENT MEANS #1

The man said..."you know, Tim...You don't have to deal with assholes!"

Sorry about the french, but somehow this man knew the suffering

I was in and the danger I was in and said the only thing that

would get me moving. I simply could not hear anything else that

he had to say.

Family. Friends. Spouses. Politicians. Bankers. Used Car

Salesmen. Politicians. Lawyers. Doctors.

You name it...

If they are acting like asses, you don't have to stick around and

put up with it.

There is a door, and they can use it, or you can use it, but

you don't have to just be the victim of someone else's "crud"

all the time.

Even family...I mean...Even your Dad or your Mom, a brother...

a soon to be ex-spouse?

Yep...you don't have to deal with them.

They may be blood...but there is no law that says you have to stay

in the same room with them.

If someday they can behave themselves and stop being an "you-know-what"

then re-evaluate.

WOW!

A few years later, in a different counselors office, I pondered...

"What if I don't want to be GONE...but someone is treating me

badly.....what then?"

Expedient means #2

The Misery Index.

If you can put up them, decide how much you can put up with them...

decide how Miserable you will allow yourself to become before you have to leave...

and just be happy and cope with everything LESS than that.

In other words, it's the same as #1 except now you learn tools

in which you can STAY around someone that is treating you poorly...

but just set a predetermined limit to it.

When the misery index gets too high....you leave.

When the misery index goes back down....come back.

Cool...so you mean...stay in a burning house as long as it is

essentially safe and sound....but be very educated to know when it't time to go....and

when it's safe to come back.

That works...and it did for quite a while.

Expedient means #3

The Balance Sheet (Or The Business Deal Model)

This is the one that I currently use most often. And it's still not

a perfect approach by any means. I have tried to explain it to

people and the response I get often is....

"So!!! I'm just a business deal to you!!!"

Oh well, here's the gist of it...

I came across this a few years ago on the net.

It incorporated #1 & 2 but again softens the whole thing

with much more understanding and compassion.

The concept is that all relationships are, in a real sense, akin

to a business deal.

When you make a business deal, you do so because you believe that

you will make a profit, or at least break even.

You do not enter into business deals KNOWING that you will lose out.

(Even those types of deals would involve tax breaks, etc...in the

end you DO EXPECT to profit.)

Thus it is the same with our personal relationships.

We expect to invest a certain amount into them, and get a

certain amount back.

At the minimum, you want the BALANCE SHEET to balance.

In other words, what you put out is roughly equal what you get back.

Some relationships pay off with HUGE profits. In some cases, we

do very little and the what we get from the other person is

GIGANTIC.....in other cases we put alot into a relationship, a

get some back, but not alot....

In some relationships, we invest everything, and get nothing....

SO.......

This version of an expedient means (and I realize that it is still

not the model of unconditional love and compassion) means that

we can keep all kinds of relationships.

We can have a full portfolio of diversified relationships.

Some that pay off BIG, others that pay off less, some that

break even and other that may even be a little in the red.

But regardless, by acknowledging WHAT we GIVE and WHAT we GAIN

from each relationship, we can make decision about how much resources

we devote to each. Without having to get rid of, or be exclusive to

certain ones.

And still, in the end, if the relationship COSTS US TOO MUCH.....

if the relationship is simply AT OUR EXPENSE.

Then we can decide to end that business deal.

Or renegotiate.

This last one also can be called the "NOT THROWING THE BABY OUT

WITH THE BATHWATER" version.

Sometimes the joy of having a baby means you get splashed a bit...

Sometimes the joy of having a caring father means that you get

lectured a bit....

Sometimes the joy of having a supportive spouse means that they

sometimes don't understand everything you do.....

Ragardless, none of these stop the house from burning.....

none of these are the true reason to leave a burning house....

but as the children in the parable above....

We need something to get us to safety.....

And these have been three that I have used in my life

to get me 1. Out of immediate harms way. 2. To A place

were I had a clear view of the fire, so I could make

decisions about it's danger 3. Have some wisdom

in making good choices regarding the risks and benefits

(expenses and profits)

of having various types of relationships, and learning to

keep more of them.

Here's hoping that you are free from your burning house

today....and stay safe and happy for many many long days ahead!

©2007 Timothy Henry