Parade Day in New York: A Binghamton Student's Tips for Warming Up

The weekend held in store a total recipe for disaster, and by disaster I obviously referring to those in our wake, not us. Tin Man, myself, Deranged Biker, Dr.Shmoove, Winger, Marcy, and a few of Tin Mans friends from West Virginia were all coming back to Binghamton for Parade Day (which will be discussed in the story ("Parade Day in New York: One Binghamton Student's Account of His Alcoholic Odyssey"). We had all needed some practice in our boozing ways as a team, and therefore decided to meet up at local bar on the East Side of Binghamton to discuss our plans.

Tin Man and me drove up from NYC and left a touch late. In order to play catch up, Tin Man enjoyed some of New York's fine grass and I helped myself to some of Budweiser's golden grains. The trip went surprisingly fast, given my slight buzz and the artistic styling of Henry Rollins stand up comedy act and an eclectic mix of songs on Tin Man's ipod. We also discussed what type of madness would ensue on this hallowed weekend. Some of the ideas such as "drinking", "smoking"," yelling", "cursing","eating","fucking", "chaos" and "knitting" came up. We struck one off the list and decided the rest would be plausible.

We arrived at the meeting site to meet up with the rest of our cohorts. Deranged Biker, Winger, Dr.Shmoove, Siggy and Burnsy were in attendance. After exchanging greetings, insults and the like we begin our warm up trials. Bud Light flowed like water as we caught up on old times. Closing time steadily approached and we made plans to continue our booze assault at Wingers house. More beers are getting cracked open, and Search is feeling a bender steadily creeping up, this was going to be an intense warm-up session.

All the seats in the house were filled and I was sitting at the computer. Winger needed the computer so I took the seat to the other side of the room, assuming he, as the rest of the room did, see me take the chair. Winger apparently had an "invisible chair" that only he could use and decided to reach for the air, pull out the chair and sit down. Unfortunately the invisible chair was broken, or non-existent for poor Winger went to sit down, hovered in mid-air and collapsed to the floor. As concerned friends, we naturally began laughing and pointing at him, refusing to help him up.

To make matters worse, Dr.Shmoove decided to change the background of his computer to something offensive and filthy, hoping his dad would see it. After having some fun at Wingers expense, Siggy told us he had a few chicks on the line for us to go over and meet, or terrorize. There was much debate as to whether we wanted to go check out this situation. We forced them to send us pictures over the phone, we're really that picky about who we offend, and then naturally asked if they had booze. After reviewing their portfolio, realizing the booze would be free and it would make for a terrific conclusion to my warm up session, I agree to go along for the ride.

This warm-up session was truly unnecessary, in that crashing a chick's house is truly like riding a bike. Dr.Shmoove, Deranged Biker, Tin Man, Siggy and myself invade this poor girls home. This girl was a first year college student, and had a few friends over that went to school with Siggy.

There is a certain rustic charm about a girl's first apartment. Everything is set up perfectly, doilies everywhere, candles are burning etc..... basically everything is set up for me to destroy. After scanning the room, I find our subjects, the girl who owned the apartment (Boobs McGee), her friend Thrasher (his last name really was Thrasher), her other friend Eyeballs and their last friend Berkshires. They weren't drinking too much, but I certainly was and immediately reached in the refrigerator for a beer. Boobs McGee looked at me strangely, obviously she didn't realize that I was Search and that this sort of behavior is perfectly acceptable.

After introductions around the room. Tin Man, our resident herb specialist, pulls out two joints and runs a distraction pattern to eliminate Thrasher from the scene as those two go outside to toke. I head for the bathroom to find Dr. Shmoove in there. He opened the door to the closet and the doorknob fell off, I immediately swooped down took it. For some reason, I took pride in this doorknob, and you might find this doorknob reappearing in some way in another story. Tucking my doorknob into my jacket, I look for more loot in the apartment. I spot some candies, which jumped from the table into my pocket. I then look to see what will turn into what could quite possibly be considered a crime, resulting in jail time for all parties involved.

I look to see Deranged Biker sitting on the couch, whispering something that I imagine is profane, indecent and raunchy in Boobs McGee's ear, meanwhile attempting to put his hands down Berkshires pants. The rest of us in the room that have penises start laughing, as Eyeballs pleads with us to get DB away from them. The two girls reject DB's advances, so he does what any sane, rational thinking man would do.

He leaps off the couch, grabs a pair of scissors, kicks the coffee table out of the way and begins pacing around the room swearing and yelling. The girls in the room are scared for their lives, while Dr.Shmoove, me and Siggy are laughing. O, life's irony. I scream out "YO DB DON'T DO IT BABY! SHIT AIN'T WORTH IT SON! YOU CAN'T GO BACK AGAIN MAN YOU JUST GOT OUT TODAY!" I then proceed to tell everyone in the room DB went to prison for assault and just got out today and is looking for "wool". In the background, I see Dr.Shmoove doing some sort of shifty movements, which later would result in a heist of his own and I find Siggy wearing a pot on his head, informing the ladies it was the "make out and get naked hat". I knew this would be a fruitful evening. The spot on the couch next to the girls was open, so I immediately swooped in. I began working my second rate game on Boobs McGee, which seemed to be eating it up. Eyeballs kept trying to get my attention, but she didn't have the boobular assets of Ms. McGee, so I kept focused on the task at hand.

In the kitchen, I spot Dr.Shmoove doing some more furtive and shifty movements and saw DB sitting in the kitchen saying "Yo...I gotta go man...I just...I gotta go". I screamed "YO SIGGY, GIVE THAT POT TO DB SO HE CAN COOK UP THAT SHIT SO WE CAN BE OUT YO!". I could see our chances of scoring with these chicks getting smaller by the moment, so I knew whatever we did from here out had to official seal our fate. I start trying to push up Boobs McGee, who immediately shoots me down.

DB is still in the kitchen, muttering to himself in true psychotic fashion. I hear Berkshire say, "I wasn't worried about the scissors so much as I was him putting his hands down my pants." I replied, "He only does that with girls he likes, maybe loves." As soon as I finish saying that, DB picks up a pair of pink sunglasses and is shot down by Boobs "No-Fun-Cock-Block" McGee. "Don't put on my flair please!" she says. DB complies and sets them down. More second-rate game is flung, more stolen beers are pounded and more dumb shit goes on. I look into the kitchen to see DB wearing the sunglasses screaming "FUCK YOU SEARCH! I WILL KILL YOU SEARCH!" not breaking character.

Everyone in the room, except the girls, already frightened, find this hilarious. So much so, I spit all the peanuts I had been chewing all over the living room. Boobs McGee asked me to clean it up, I asked her if she wanted to smoke crack. After this outburst we decide to call it a night and leave the girly apartment we all get outside and count our loot, "I STOLE A FUCKIN DOORKNOB MAN!" I yell. Siggy pulls out an ornate wooden bird as his heist, courtesy of Dr.Shmooves shifty moves. "I was trying to steal the shower curtain, but couldn't get it out the door." DB says "But I did steal this bottle of Barcardi". After our impressive heist, and emotional scaring of three naive college girls we decide it would be a great idea to raid Wingers refrigerator.

Keep in mind, Winger lives with his parents and it was, in fact 3:00AM. Dr.Shmoove, DB and I drunkenly stumble into Wingers house. I, like the moron I am, is the first one in and going through the refrigerator. "We got some pizza man, this is some good shit I think." I say. Dr.Shmoove and DB are cheering me on as soon as I hear "WINGER?! WINGER?!" I look up and, Dr.Shmoove and DB magically disappeared. I am greeted by Wingers dad, in his boxers, storming towards me. "Where is Winger?!" Wingers Dad asks. "They went outside" I drunkenly stammer. He darts outside and says "No, that was Dr.Shmoove and DB, where is Winger?". I said "They are outside" as though I hadn't just said it. "Now I'm confused, where is he?" Winger's dad asks. "I'm just as confused as you are." I return.

Winger finally comes downstairs to rescue me from one of the most socially awkward situations I've been in. "What did you do tonight?" Winger asks. "I stole a doorknob, scared some college girls and then was scared by your half clothed dad." I said. I immediately go upstairs to pass out...for Parade Day was looming, and the madness must receive my full madness.