Parade Day in New York: Celebrating at an East Side Dive Bar

(Editors Note: If anyone has any idea how the hell I got to the East Side after being downtown, please let me know, I still have no clue.)

I found myself magically whisked away to our favorite East Side dive bar. It was steadily approaching 8:00PM and I was, obviously, whiskey-hell ride drunk. I started drinking at 10:00AM and was up so long and drank so much, for the first time in my life, I was hung over without actually having gone to sleep. Our party found a table and then stormed the bar in the attempt to order food. Being so slick and so cool, I decided to beat all of them for food and go to the other end of the bar and order there. And that is where I became a gigolo for about 20 minutes.

I'm pretty sure I was so drunk I was actually talking to myself, which a 60-year-old woman must have misconstrued as me talking to her. I attempted to engage her in what conversation I could muster at that point, for I am sure if I were to take a breathalyzer, I would have set it on fire. She asked me where I was from, I told her "Brooklyn" then midway through the story switched it to Binghamton. I don't know if she noticed, I'm surprised I even did. She began to ask me my name and all of that meaningless bar banter, when I told her I was related to Deranged Biker, and he was my adopted brother. The bartender came over, I mustered out I wanted food. I had no cash on me so fumbled for my debit card, which he denied. I then went to walk away when my 60-year-old sugar momma said. "No no, I'll pay for your food sweetie." It was the dirtiest, coolest and most awkward thing to happen in a while. So I ran with it. Fuck, for free food? Why the hell not. She then asked me if I "Do this so often, since I am so handsome." I scarfed down my food in record time and said "No, I was just hungry lady." pushed the plate away and staggered back to my party. "Yo you guys won't believe what happened." I exclaimed. "I just got my first sugar momma to buy me food and shit, how you luh dat?" No one seemed to be impressed except Mrs. Pauley.

Winger had roped himself a young lady and as default she had her friend with her. This girl was the biggest bitch I've ever met in my life. And trust me, I've met some chicks who should have had their vaginas sewn up, just based on attitude alone. But this girl took it. Deranged Biker insisted she looked like a 45-year-old woman, so we will call her 45. Everyone ordered his or her food and it took a long time since the bar was jam-packed. Pauley said "We've ordered our food over an hour ago". Without ever even meeting or having prior conversation with Pauley 45 says, "Well it was more like 10 minutes, cha!" Pauley says "Was I even talking to you?!". She got very sad and was quiet...for about 30 seconds. Tin Man then made a random joke about AIDS and she said "Uh, I don't think that's funny." Tin Man said "And so what, who the hell ARE you anyway?" She then responded, hand to God "Have you ever been raped?". I mean, seriously, who the hell says that? What Tin Man should have said in response was "Why, wanna suck my dick?".

We continued steady harassment of this girl as Deranged Biker would periodically stand behind her and dance like a Chippendale, grinding his pelvis as close as he could without touching her. I then began to follow suit before she finally caught me and I turned and checked my watch. I was not very slick about it. I noticed she dropped her headband, which I picked up and kept for about 15 minutes and realized it probably had "uncool disease" or some other sort of malaise and returned it. Tin Man suggested I keep it, and quite honestly I wish I did. I have few regrets, but that most certainly is one of them.

I felt the pangs of my new found unslept on hangover hitting harder and harder, to which I stumbled around the bar asking people for a cab number. No one seemed to answer me, or did answer and I didn't like their response so I dialed a number certain it was a cab company.

Search: Hello, I need a cab please.

Girl: Umm, hold on a minute

(5 minute hold, I go back to grinding behind 45 while on hold)

Girl: Yeah, this is a Pet Store.

Search: What the fuck?! You couldn't have told me that in the first place?

In all honesty, this girl didn't even have the Goddamned where-with-all to tell me "No, this is a pet store"? It shouldn't have taken her 5 minutes to figure all of that out. I return back to the party, informing them I'm about to walk, when Spinner Chain earns his name. "Yo guys, I just went down the street to the store and used the ATM and found a claw machine and won this!". He held up a 50 Cent G-Unit imitation spinner chain. I could not believe it. I immediately tried to wear it, he refused. I was angry but understood, if someone asked to wear my Hope Diamond, I would have slit his or her throat.

Winger asked us "So what do you guys want to do?". Deranged Biker responded "Bonin whatever you're not bonin." I burst into laughter as did the rest of the party. We broke camp from the bar and headed our separate ways. I got in the car with Dr. Shmoove and 45. And then it began. I'm not sure what came over me, but the following conversation took place in the car ride back to Wingers.

Search: COME ON AND FUCKIN MAKIN OUT WITH ME!!!

45: No way you fuckin asshole!

Search: COME ON AND FUCKIN DO IT, JUST FUCKIN KISS ME!!

45: You are fucking gross no way!

Search: COME ON! AT LEAST GIGGLE MY FUCKIN ROD!

She apparently didn't enjoy my calm and casual sweet nothings I whispered in her ear. So I responded the only way I knew. I farted as loud and as hard as I could. I mean, this fart shook the glass in the car, the CD skipped and Dr.Shmooves car went 15 miles faster. 45 covered her face in horror and fear, as I almost urinated from hysterical laughter. I laughed all the way back to Wingers, where I fell out of the car into the driveway and laughed for 15 more minutes. After regaining my "composure" I staggered to my feet. I walked inside to find Winger and company on the couches hanging out. I went to kiss 45 goodnight, she refused. I said "FUCK YOU BITCH!" then walked upstairs and passed completely out...thus continuing the longest alcohol intake I ever experienced in my 24 years.

To the party I was with, if I left anything out of this story, please inform me, I will certainly included any accidental omissions I may have made.