Paranoid Man with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Refuses to Clean Toilet

Biloxi, Massachusetts--Local photographer and lifelong obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) victim Roger Phillips held a press conference early Friday morning outside the Lazy Magnolia Brewery on Roscoe-Turner Road to announce that he will not clean his private toilet at his new residence until he develops an intimate relationship with it.

"Look, I need to have a deep relationship with a toilet and know it inside and out before I can scrub away the dust, grime, and bits of corn lacing its porcelain interior," Roger told reporters. "I need to know the speed at which it flushes, how corroded its pipes are, and whether or not it can handle one load of my shit without getting clogged."

Ever since Roger, 33, moved into the residence on May 17, he's slowly been getting to know the new home and its various appliances and devices. It took him three days alone just to establish a strong enough friendship with the kitchen sink to wipe it clean after washing his hands. He has yet to wipe the sink in his own private bathroom.

"This crazy bastard -- and he seriously has a lot more wrong with him than just OCD -- is constantly washing his hands and taking a shit, yet he refuses to ever clean up after himself because he doesn't know the sinks and toilets well enough," Roger's landlord, Christopher Martin, told reporters, shaking his head in dismay. "I don't mind some of the sinks being dirty, but I'm getting really sick and tired of the stinky toilet!"

He continued, "It's like, dude, you put your ass on the toilet 6 times a day; how much more intimate could you possibly be with it!?"

Unbeknownst to his landlord, Roger does not in fact make any direct skin-to-porcelain contact with the toilet. Instead he places his landlord's towels on the toilet seat and uses it as a sort of sanitary sheet or condom, on the basis that "a man needs to protect his vital assets, including his wallet, his penis, and, of course, his ripe buttocks."

Though Roger's eccentric behavior might lead some to think that he's absolutely bonkers, his girlfriend, 42-year-old Rhonda Meier, claims that there's nothing crazy about him at all.

"The paranoid bastard just suffers from a really severe case of obsessive compulsive disorder," Rhonda explained, rolling her eyes in what appeared to be a mixture of pure hatred and unrelenting love. "And to be honest, that he needs to know a toilet intimately is just the tip of the iceberg."

"He can't shower without slippers, he refuses to throw away our used condoms, and he insists on making love in ten-minute bursts, after which he has to take a ten-minute break. It kind of ruins the mood, you know? But toilets have always caused him the most problems. Hell, he's only actually cleaned three toilets in his entire life, including the one at his parent's house, the one at his old crib, and the one at my apartment.

Christopher doesn't care about Roger's mental problems, however, which is why he's making arrangements to expedite the get-to-know-you process. His hope is that a quiet, romantic date between the two will give Roger the comfort and security he needs to pick up the toilet brush and "git er done."

"I'm going to turn down the lights, set up a few nice-smelling candles, put on a Marvin Gaye CD, and just let the magic happen between the Roger and his god damned toilet," Chris said. "And if that doesn't work, I'm literally going to pick up a plunger and shove it up that mentally retarded freak's ass!"

Moral of the story: This piece was designed to make fun of my bathroom behavior. I'm not as OCD as Roger, but I too need time with a toilet -- usually one to two months -- before I'm capable of cleaning it. And it's even worse with showers. It takes about 3 years before I'll clean a shower tub, which is why I usually just hire somebody off craigslist to do it for me. Yeah, I'm a total freak; I know!