Parent / Family Relationships: The Transition to College

It is obvious that the relationships between college students and their families will change when the student leaves home. Because their children no longer live under their set of rules, and parents have kind of lost the right to try to punish for everything, it becomes more of a friend/friend relationship than a parent/child one. Being out from under their parents' wings, a young adult will have to learn to be more responsible-do their own laundry, keep track of keys, and remember appointments and schedules. However, in the midst of our transitions to college, we may be overlooking the fact that our families are affected, too.

For this article, I talked to a few people about their relationships with their child/relative who is currently attending college. Diana Faidley, my mother, has now had four children go to college, so she's been through the whole "teenager leaving home" process a few times. Valerie Faidley is my sister-in-law who never went to college herself, and is now experiencing for the first time what it's like to have someone she loves dearly (ME!) in college. Kathy Mathews is my roommate Suzy's mother who has been divorced for a few years now. Terry Brigman is my friend Morgan's father. He and his wife also have a twenty-year old boy, Cody, who is currently enlisted in the United States Navy.

Now that we've all been introduced, let's get on with the discussion.

Question #1. When did your child/relative first return home after move-in day?

Valerie: Emily was back three days after moving in-I called their house and when she answered, I was like, "What's wrong?? Why are you home??"

Kathy: Suzy came back the same day as Emily-her cat was stressed and wouldn't eat, so Suz had to come home so Abby wouldn't starve!

Terry: Morgan didn't come home until a couple of weekends later-she was having way too much fun meeting people! (All laugh.)

Question #2. Do you welcome your college student back with open arms, or would you rather they just e-mail you their news?

Diana: My good friend Terri told her daughter, who is the first of her children to go away to school, that she couldn't come home from Loras College until Thanksgiving break. I think that's ridiculous! There is no way I would ever tell my children that they couldn't come home! While I don't always appreciate their loads of dirty laundry coming with them, I'm always glad to cook their favorite meals. And I miss it when Emily doesn't e-mail me every day!

Kathy: I can't imagine what I'd do if Suz didn't come back on the weekends! Since she's my only daughter, I miss her! And her cats miss her too! (All chuckle.) E-mail is great, but sometimes I'd just like to see her.

Terry: Since Cody is stationed in other states for months at a time, we don't get to see him nearly as much as we'd like to, so it's nice that Morgan's only forty minutes away. We know that, even though she's not home every weekend, we can see her when we really want to.

Question #3. How has your relationship changed?

Kathy: Suzy and I have always been close, especially since my divorce with her father several years ago. I don't think it's so much that our relationship has changed, it's just been a big adjustment to not see each other every day, and not be able to talk about all the little things that happen.

Diana: It was the same with my first three kids-they didn't come home nearly as often as Emily does, and when they did they had jobs that they went to, and they ate their dinner and left again. But it was still nice that they wanted to come home-some kids want to go as far away as they can and never come back. But it's different with Emily; we talk every day, and she comes home a lot more often just to hang out with Bruce and I. I think we've grown a lot closer because of the space between us. I've already said a lot for this question so I'll stop talking now. (All laugh.)

Valerie: I miss Emily! It sucks only seeing her on the weekends! But I think we appreciate the time we spend with her that much more, because she's only around for so little time, you know?

Terry: Morgan and I have always had a pretty good relationship-I mean, I don't think we're as close as some, but she knows she can trust us, and I certainly hope we can trust her! (All laugh heartily.)

Question #4. Speaking of trust...would you rather know what all is going on with your college-goer, or are you more of the "what I don't know won't hurt me" type?

Terry: I assume we're talking about drinking on campus here...Kids will be kids, you know how it is. College is supposed to be the time for experimentation and rebellion...if Morgan wants to tell us about it, she will. I trust her to make her own choices and to deal with the consequences that come with them.

Kathy: Suzy's very open with me-I'm pretty confident that she'd tell me what she's up to. I would rather know what she's doing than have her get hurt or in trouble and then find out about it. But I think our trust in each other is stronger than that.

Diana: Same here-I don't think Emily's the partying type, but if she does anything, I'd like to know about it. Dr. Phil talked about this one day-"keeping the lines of communication open." I love Dr. Phil. (I roll on the floor laughing.)

Question #5. Are you experiencing "empty-nest syndrome"?

Diana: No! I don't miss doing the laundry every day! Also, when I married my second husband, I came with two kids from my previous marriage, so it has never been just the two of us, and we're enjoying the peace and quiet of the house.

Terry: Cathy and I kind of like having both kids out of the house: we can go for days without the phone ringing, the food bill is cut in half...it's just an all-around more peaceful environment. Don't get me wrong, we love our kids...we just love them more when they aren't living with us. (All laugh. This must be quite a funny interview.)

Kathy: Since Suzy is the only other person in my "nest," I am experiencing empty-nest syndrome. There's no one there to talk to when I come home from work, so I talk to the cats. (Says between giggles:) And they weren't eating because Suzy wasn't there! I'd be left talking to myself! Sorry, that's not funny, don't tell Suzy I joked about that! (All laugh.)

Question #6. Any closing thoughts or bits of advice for the reader?

Diana: If you still have your kids at home, make an extra effort to just talk to them and discuss things, because if they're not talking to you now about their problems, they definitely aren't going to when they're off at college. And we all know that college problems are way bigger than high school dramas.

Valerie: I agree-they might find someone else to talk to: a professor, their RA, whoever, and then you'll never hear from them!

Kathy: I'm new at this, so I'm not sure I'm qualified to give advice. (All snicker.) But Suzy tells me all the time to send her mail-and that surprise packages can do wonders. So I try to send her a card or two a week, even if it's just something silly that happened at work, it just lets her know I haven't forgotten about her.

I hope you had as much fun reading this article as I did writing it! Thanks to my interviewees: my mum, my sister-in-law, Kathy, and Terry-I really appreciate it!