Parent Transitions by Children after Divorce

What do you do when the child you've raised for seven or eight years looks you in the face and says, "I want to live with Mom\Dad." What if allowing the child to go would be in the best interests of the child? It is a painful choice that many divorced parents go through when their children are in their teens but it is doubly hard when the child who wants to "go live with the other parent" is only an adolescent. It requires a great deal of consideration and the cooperation of both parents, although even with all of this it is still a difficult decision.

In this day and age when many young people are turning to gangs and such for attention and family ties, being a parent has become a desperately hard task. Even the most patient parent can be pushed to the limits in a short time. When a child is difficult it is hard to admit that maybe they need the guidance of their other parent, after all this is that person that you left, you divorced. How could you justify allowing that person you couldn't stay married to raise your child? The answer starts in that very phrase. You divorced him/her, your child still has two parents.

If it truly takes a whole village to raise one child, that child definitely needs from the start both his mother and father. Girls need the influence of their mothers and boys need the influence of their fathers. This isn't because we are all sexist but because in today's society it is necessary for men and women to learn their roles based on solid role models. In a time when the ideal situation has gone the way of rotary telephones we need to be providing our children with the best we have, even if it means admitting that maybe the other parent can do their job even if they are not married to you.

Children are complex beings. They deal with stresses we don't always know about and their needs are their own based on who they are as individuals. There are times when there is more of a need for a feminine hand and there are times when a more masculine hand is required, based on which one you provide it can be quite an eye opening experience when your child appears to need the opposite of what you are. It can also be painful. Many parents take this as a sign that they have somehow failed. This couldn't be further from the truth. Sometimes, when dealing with a difficult child, a different approach is called for. Sometimes making this decision will save the child and you a lot of grief in the future.

How does a parent go about making a decision like this and doing so with as little difficulty as possible? Every situation is different but the following are some basic guidelines when making the transition from a child living with one parent to the other.

1. Make sure that it is a decision you can stick to: Many children will play their parents against each other. When the child is made at you he wants to go live with mom/dad or vise versa. This is an age-old problem that divorced parent's deal with everyday. Make sure that when you are allowing the child to go with the other parent, you stick to your decision. Indecisiveness only serves to confuse a child.

2. Have a trial period: Develop a time period between both parents that the child is not aware of. This allows the parent who is giving up physical custody a way of making certain of his/her decision. It also allows for the situation to reverse if the situation with the child has not improved or has gotten worse. Doing this allows neither parent to feel trapped into the decision until they know what will happen with the child.

3. Cooperate with each other: Cooperation is important on the part of both parents. The child needs to be able to see that the decision is a joint one. This will allow the child to have an easier transition. It allows for basic things, such as school transfers and the like easier.

4. Allow the child to communicate often with the newly absent parent: Remember that this child has lived with the other parent for most of his/her life, the child needs to know that the other parent is not abandoning him/her. Letting him/her be in contact with the other parent assures the child that their world has not fallen apart, only changed a little.

5. Talk: This, the final tip, is the most important one. Everyone involved in the transition needs to talk, whether it be step parent, child, parent, siblings and step and half siblings, everyone needs to talk about what has happened, why and how they feel about it. No one is not affected by such a situation. In order to make the transition smooth for the child everyone involved needs to be able to voice their feelings. This also allows for a smooth change for everyone else in the family as well.

The concept here is that if a child's needs are not being met by one parent and the other is better equipped to handle the child's needs it doesn't have to be a difficult situation. It can be handled in such a way that everyone involved is given the proper chance to adjust. The needs of the child should always be the first consideration and what is a difficult situation does not need to develop into an even harder one given the proper handling.