Parental Kidnapping -- a Personal Experience

First, My Story
When my 2-year-old daughter was literally ripped from my arms by my then-husband, I never dreamed it would be 12 years before I would see her again. This wasn't the first time he had tried this twisted plan to get me back. He had failed once before when I found Dawn stashed in his parents home several states away and appealed to the local police to recover her.

This second time he took her was even more vicious as it was the day before my birthday, and I had been lulled into believing that he was finally leaving us alone. Like most victims of what was then called "child snatching," my daughter was just a pawn he was using to get back at me for leaving him. An alcoholic and an abuser, Bob looked at me and my child as his property. I had the nerve to leave him and start a new life without him, which made him furious. Taking our toddler was his way of "teaching me a lesson."

If I ever doubted this, I was certainly convinced when he started calling me at all hours of the night, usually after the bars closed, to taunt me with questions like, "Do you know where your daughter is?" He was always drunk, and he usually ended the conversation with, "Bet you're sorry you left now."

Bob knew that the only way to really hurt me at that point in time was through my daughter. I had endured numerous beatings, lashings with a car radio antenna, a loaded gun pressed to my head and a variety of other indignities. All the while I assumed I deserved what I got. After all, you make your bed, you sleep in it... But one day I came home from work to find my 2-year-old had a huge burn mark on her arm. Bob said she had pulled the iron off the ironing board and it hit her arm. I knew better. For one thing, he would never dream of doing the ironing! That was the moment I finally decided to leave him.

After that, he tried repeatedly to get me to go back to him. He sent flowers, took me to dinner, begged and bribed, but I was able to stand firm for my daughter's sake. She was safe, and I would keep her that way. We were building a new life together. Such was my situation that cool January day when I left for work. Dawn was wearing new red tights, which she called "pantyhose like Mommy," and we were happily discussing the babysitter's new toys as we stepped out of the apartment building.

At first I couldn't believe it was Bob walking toward us. I hadn't seen or heard from him in months, and I didn't have time for a confrontation. I picked Dawn up and took a stand there on the sidewalk. I didn't expect what happened next, though. He grabbed her from my arms, shoved me to the ground and took off running toward his car. By the time I got up, he was in the car with the doors locked. Tears were streaming down Dawn's little face, and her arms reached for me, but I couldn't save her. That was the last time I saw my baby for many years to come. I tried to stop the car as I screamed for help. He just hit me, drove away, and I never saw him again.

I was stunned and numb. Trying to do everything I could to find and recover Dawn, I worked 3 jobs to pay for detectives, legal bills and other costs. Nothing worked. In 1973 there were no laws to prevent this from happening, and there were no data bases to help me locate my missing child. The police hesitated to get involved with what was then considered a "domestic matter." Too often the parents reconciled, and the police became the bad guys in the situation.

Thankfully, today there are both strict laws against family abductions and assorted agencies to assist in locating missing children. Who knows what a difference this would have made for me and my now-adult daughter? According to the Klaas Kids Foundation, 49% of all kidnappings are perpetrated by relatives of the child involved. In 1999 (the newest statistics I could find) the Department of Justice reported 203,900 children were the victims of family abductions. This is an incredible statistic!

The Real Motivation For This Terrible Crime
I think people believe family kidnaping is less terrible than stranger abduction because the child is generally not killed. A parent or other close family member surely loves the child and will care for him or her well. Not so! My daughter was "on the run" with her Dad for years before she went to school. They moved from state to state, and she was left alone in a motel room while her Dad went to work-or to a bar. She often had nothing to eat but snacks from a vending machine down the hall. Is this love?

The motivation for this terrible crime is generally revenge, a strong desire to hurt the other parent. Abusers look upon their families as property to be used as they please. When they are deprived of this "right," they become infuriated. When they finally get possession of the child, they often transfer the abuse from the spouse to the child.

Results Never Considered
One of the most terrible results of this crime is a type of death-the death of the relationship between the child and the other parent. The victimized child longs to be rescued from the abusive relationship, hoping that the other parent will show up and sweep them away. But the abuser tells them, "Your Mom doesn't want you," or "Your Dad left you with me." In extreme cases, the child is told the other parent is dead. As time passes, the child is indoctrinated with false information, and they often end up hating the missing parent. If they are ever reunited, re-establishing the normal parent-child bond is virtually impossible.

No research has been done (at least none I can find) on the long-term effects of parental kidnaping on missing children. No data tells us how many relationships are never renewed after a child is found. No follow up has been done on the psychological impact losing a child has on a parent. The extent and impact of this "family matter" is staggering.

Can Anything Good Come Out of This?
In my case, this terrible experience was a catalyst to my reaching out to parents of other missing children. For years after my daughter disappeared, I heard, "I know how you must feel" a million times, and it made me so mad... No one who has not experienced the loss of a child can ever understand! Then I realized that I did know how they felt, and I could possibly comfort and encourage other parents going through the same experience. The cases were so similar to mine it was heartbreaking and sometimes difficult to continue, but it may have encouraged another mother whose child was gone, so I continued.

I've had my daughter back for over 20 years now. It was a rocky road, but we have established a good relationship. The man who destroyed so many lives died years ago-in a drunk driving accident. But every so often I dream of what life might have been for both my daughter and me if the kidnaping had never happened, and what it would be like for the child being taken this very minute.

Sources: Klaas Kids Foundation - http://www.klaaskids.org/pg-mc-mcstatistics.htm
Missing Kids: http://www.missingkids.com/missingkids/servlet/PageServlet?LanguageCountry=en_US&PageId=2810#1