Parental Sex: Can We Pencil it In, Please?

Parental sex seems to be a widespread and horrible problem. I don't mean the time you caught your parents mid-act. We all know that's traumatizing. I mean the act of BEING parents and TRYING to have sex. That can be even more traumatizing.

Searching for anything on the topic, I was dismayed that it seems that the topic of parental sex seems to be altogether ignored or pushed to the cracks of the Internet out of main view and polite conversation. Just because we've become parents doesn't mean we don't want to have sex anymore! We do! We just can't.

A loud banging on the bedroom door, a child's cry over another's injustice, or demands for whatever a child happens to want at the moment are a mother's every day joys. They are also some of the worst "boner kills" known to man.

If you don't have kids yet, allow me to impart important wisdom. The worst cock block in your life will not come from your best friend or a stranger at the bar. It will come from your own womb.

Not only do these little bundles of joy stretch your body into a new shape, causing you to have to learn to be comfortable in your sexuality all over again, they continue to find ways to stop you from "doing the deed".

It's as if they like things the way they are and are taking "family planning" into their own hands by denying you the opportunity to bang out any new additions to the family. They continue to employ their methods as long as they are living with you. It doesn't magically go away as they get older.

I absolutely love my son, but after nine years of his "radar" I learned that I had to be cunning to get laid. Certain tactics have to be employed. It's an ongoing war game. It became clear that my love life was lacking when I began to have fantasies about the dorky kids' show host on the tape he was always asking me to rewind or find when he was younger.

It doesn't matter how quiet I am, if he's sound asleep, or across the street at a friend's house. The moment I give into desire, the child appears from thin air. What kind of black magic is this?

This isn't just an issue for single parents like me. This is an issue for couples as well. I brought up the topic on an Internet message board for parents and the number one mom response: "Sex? What's that?"

There's a small part of me that cries over that. Does becoming a mom doom us to being the spinsters of the world? I THINK NOT! I've still got hormones and plenty of them! I'm hot, and I deserve to benefit from at least ONE of the men that are constantly hitting on me.

It seems to me that one of the biggest problems with parental sex is the lack of creativity or enjoyment. When we fall into the trap of just taking it however and whenever we can, we lose the ability to set up a beautiful candlelit room or spend romantic time alone together. We fail to run spontaneously like heathens into the rain to fornicate like rabbits. I mean, how many times can you REALLY enjoy being bent over a pile of dirty laundry for a ten minute rush job?

I'd like to make a suggestion. If you want to save your sex life, try scheduling it in. You can always go for those spontaneous quickies, but penciling in a night without kids can mean a night of absolute bliss! Get a sitter, have them spend the night with relatives, or if you have to, start a club with other parents where you trade off sitting services every other week. You'll be absolutely giddy with anticipation all week, knowing what's coming, and your relationship will blossom. Schedule at least 24 blessed hours without fear of interruption.

Just because we're parents doesn't mean we have to sleep in separate beds. For gods sake, junior's here because of the awesome fun we used to have. We don't have to let that part of us die. We'll be much better for it, and our kids will wonder why we're suddenly much happier, bouncing around with a smile as we fulfill their every demand.