Parental Woes - or is it Whoas!

Your baby isn't a baby anymore. Years have passed and without notice, your child asks for a driver's permit. Suddenly, the past 15 years flash through your mind and you wonder if the child that was, what seemed like yesterday, jumping around in a "Johnny Jump-Up" and mischievously terrorizing anything and everything in your house, is now responsible enough to get behind the wheel of your prized car, truck or SUV. The wish that you hadn't traded in your old clunker has crossed your mind, I'm sure. As a matter of fact, that junky old '94 Crown Victoria parked in our yard for the past four years, buried in weeds, collecting dust, grass clippings and unidentified insects isn't looking so bad at this point. Okay, so you might be a redneck if . . .

Enough about my big blue clunker. Now it's time to get serious. My daughter, an ambitious teenager who scores very well in school, even with blond hair, just received her learner's permit from the state of Florida. After our first driving experience, I began to wonder if it really came out of a Cracker Jack box, but we'll get into that later. I guess one thing that parents have to think about is what kind of responsibility they are signing up for when they sign in that big, rectangular digital box at the Department of Motor Vehicles. I was asked to sign stating that I will take all responsibility of my daughter's driving, including financial, until she is eighteen years of age. That was scary. Did I mention that my daughter is a blond?

On the trip home from the good old Florida DMV, where the cranky get crankier, I pulled over on some back streets about a mile from home. Do you remember how nervous you were the first time you drove? Multiply that by 10,000 and you have how I felt sitting in the passenger side of our just-paid-off sport utility vehicle. Okay, so here we are sitting on the side of the road with the vehicle in park and my daughter whining because she doesn't want to drive over a little hill. I have to admit that the tiny hill is a little scary because you cannot see what is over it. Unexpectedly one day, driving over this little hill, a four-wheeler slammed into the side of our vehicle leaving a dented rim and a smashed-in door. Two young girls, who should have never been on the oversized four-wheeler riding double without helmets on a paved county street, lay in the road completely stunned. This was a learning lesson for my daughter who now knows that anything can happen while you're on the road. The accident could not have been prevented and we were 100% not at fault, but the damage remains unrepaired and the parents have never taken responsibility to compensate for the repairs. As you now know, this tiny little hill is a huge mountain for a first-time traumatized driver to climb.

Before we get started with the details, I have made a list of items that may come in handy for you during your first trip with your teen driver.

1. Neck Brace - I'll explain later
2. Floaties (If you are driving around retention ponds, lakes, oceans, rivers, etc.)
3. Anti anxiety medication
4. Spare fencing - Again, I'll explain later.
5. A coupon for your next brake job.
6. Slick 50 Engine Protectant - For those who don't know the difference between brake and gas.
7. Spare cash in savings for a new set of tires. (Beer bottles, heavy braking, etc.)

After the whining about having to drive over the hill, I explained the different pedals sticking out by the floorboard. Luckily we traded in the old Chevy S-10, which was a standard. It was hard enough explaining the brake pedal and the gas pedal! After the explanation I said, "Okay, now I want you to push the brake pedal." Suddenly the Dodge V-8 engine revved way beyond RPM's I have ever heard a vehicle go to in park unless someone was intentionally trying to throw a rod through the oil pan. This was only the beginning of what was to come.

After almost needing a change of drawers and elated that the SUV was in park, I calmed down enough to allow my daughter to apply the brake and put the vehicle in drive. She pressed her foot down on the accelerator. What felt like at least five G's of force pinned me back into the passenger seat. She immediately released the gas pedal, finding that you do not need to step down hard with a V-8 engine.

I have one warning for parents who have new teen drivers: Always explain all of the gadgets in the vehicle before allowing them to drive. One of the gadgets would be a turn signal. Without instructing her to turn on the turn signal to enter the street, the vehicle edged into the road to avoid the mass amount of beer bottles strewn on the side of the road. Okay, so I failed her on that part. She neared the hill with fear in her eyes. The speed limit was only 20, but the SUV will coast down the hill at a faster rate of speed if you do not push the brakes. I explained this to her as she nerved her way up the hill and began to slowly coast down. The speedometer showed about 3 miles per hour over the speed limit so I made her aware that she needed to slow down. This time she found the brake. Screech! All right, now I'm exaggerating a little. The brakes really didn't screech, but they should have with the amount of pressure she applied! This is where the neck brace would have come in handy. If you cannot afford one, make sure you have plenty of hot water and some bubble bath for the whiplash pain you'll be experiencing later.

Along the route, a car heading toward us was speeding. Now you get a glimpse into a frightened parent's mind: Oh no! I hope that she doesn't hit this car. Please keep it straight in this lane. Eww, that mailbox is getting closer to my door. Oh, please don't hit the mailbox. Don't hit the car. Don't go in the ditch. Now you see where the anti anxiety pills can come in handy.

It was then that my daughter noticed she wasn't wearing her seatbelt. I immediately told her to stop in the road because there were no cars traveling the same direction. Screech! Wow, that bubble bath is sure going to help with my neck! She put her seatbelt on and continued on her first journey behind the wheel of the Titanic. Lo and behold, we made it through the first driving obstacle without incident.

I am sure you are wondering where the Titanic came into the picture. Do you not have a name for your vehicle? Some people name theirs Old Betsy, Suzie, or the Silver Bullet. But for ours, I named it the Titanic. Have you ever heard the sounds from the movie Titanic when the unsinkable ship was sinking? Those horrid sounds that screech, squeal, or rub and other noises that could only be thinkable while a big craft is in such distress. Well, I own a 2003 Dodge "Titanic." I'm sure you've heard it during your travels through a parking lot. The undercarriage is unmistakable. Screech, squeak, squeal! Oh, here comes a Dodge! Luckily the newer Dodge we own does not turn heads.

Further down the road we were ready to make the first turn onto our street. It was also a grueling turn. There is a big ditch located to the right of the road. I was beginning to believe that maybe an empty parking lot would have been a good first start. One wrong move and the Titanic's undercarriage would be buried deep in the gaping, sandy hole. I chuckled, thinking that maybe it would do it some good! I then instructed her to turn on her right turn signal. "Turn signal?" she asked with distress in her voice. She didn't know where the turn signal was! She didn't know how to turn it on. She didn't know which direction she needed to push or pull it! Oh great. Here comes a car!

"See that little stick on the left side of the steering wheel? Push it down!" I said with confidence in hopes that she would understand. The second she took her eyes off the road and looked down at that little stick coming out of the steering column, the Titanic veered to the left. She managed to get the blinker light going while straightening the vehicle. She began to slow down as the vehicle approaching was near.

Into the turn, my daughter realized that it takes a lot to steer the 'ol Titanic. I believe at this point I grabbed the wheel and assisted in the turn. She yelled at me! "I can do it, Mom!" she screamed as she regained the wheel of the ship and continued on her terrifying journey.

At this point we only had a half a mile left until it will be time to turn into the front gate of our property. Yikes! I had forgot about the gate. I wondered if she would just pull in, navigating the big boat through an entrance made more for a compact car. I thought maybe I should have her stop just before the gate and we could switch seats.

As we neared the property, she suddenly remembered about the gate entrance. She said, "Oh no! I am not driving it through the gate, Mom!"

I told her to just pull into the beginning of the driveway and I would get through the gate and up to the house. The driveway came and went. I said in an anxious tone of voice, "Stop!" Off to the right she veered, slamming the brakes and nearly running into our fence. Okay, so she was about 5 feet away from it, but to me, that is nearly! I told her to put the Titanic in park and get out. Boy, was that a close one. I got out and checked the mailbox wondering whom I had the pleasure of owing money to. Luckily, I opened the box and found a pile of junk mail that normally goes in the circular file.

I entered the vehicle and drove up the long, bumpy driveway and parked it. I sat for a moment to reflect on the happy fact that I was still alive, and to dig through the junk mail. Luckily, in the enormous pile of junk was a coupon for a brake job. I think I'll be needing it.