Parenthood: Single Mom Survival Guide

Growing up many little girls fantasize about being a princess, Prince Charming sweeping them off their feet, and living happily ever after. Life seems so simple when the most difficult decision is whether you want to watch Dora the Explorer or Cinderella. As time goes on, some of these princesses in training turn into single mothers. They end up raising their own little prince or princess. This is generally not a part of the happily ever after they envisioned all of their life.

In this day and age, relationships are challenging to say the least. Men and women have very different ideas and opinions. Yet, at one point they manage to agree long enough to have children. Then the honeymoon ends and he decides she doesn't look as hot as she did before she gained 20 extra pounds. She realizes that he really is an insensitive jerk and they somehow decide that they can no longer stand to look at each other. In some cases a woman may decide that she would make a wonderful mother, but can't find a compatible would-be father. Many people choose alternative methods of starting their own family, such as adoption.

Regardless of the situation or reason, the number of single mothers continues to sky rocket. Mothers have been forced to play many roles, which in the past were more evenly dispersed between the mother and the father. Watching old re-runs of shows like Leave It to Beaver shows us what parenthood was like when parents still believed in marriage and commitment. Gender roles were clearly defined. The father knew his role was to be the provider. The mother knew her role was to be the cook, maid, chauffeur, and so own. She may have worn many hats, but not all of them. Many mothers of today face the challenge of juggling all of these roles at the same time.

Children do not come with instructions and much of raising a child is trial and error. We do the best we can at the time and hope that we don't do more harm than good to our children. In the meantime, moms tend to lose focus on taking care of themselves. So much time and energy is put into making sure we raise wonderful children who become productive, positive members of society that we forget about ourselves.

Being a single mom who wears many hats, I felt it was my duty to pass on some positive thoughts and ideas of how to survive being both mom and dad.

1. Deal with whatever lead up to being a single parent-It seems that many women love to place the blame on the absent father. In some cases this may be a legitimate point, but in others it is used as a way of avoiding the real issues. Take the time to think about what went wrong and consider it a lesson learned...not a mistake.

2. Spend some time alone-Many women define themselves by the relationship they are in. If they are not in one, they tend to lose their self esteem. It is important to get to know yourself. Learn how to take care of yourself and what makes you happy.

3. Figure out what you really want before you start dating-Knowing what you want is important for many reasons. Women who know what they want are less likely to settle for bad relationships. If you are at the point in your life that you want to explore sexually make sure that you separate sex from relationships. If you feel that you want something more serious and long term take your time and give him a chance to know what you have to offer and what you expect in return.

4. Achieve financial freedom-Money is said to be the root of all evil and for a struggling single parent this can definitely be true. It is critical to know that you can survive financially without the help of anyone, especially a man. Many women become dependent on a man being the provider. Financial help is nice, but knowing that you can do it on your own changes everything. A woman who is not worried about money is one that never uses that as an excuse to remain in a bad relationship.

5. Further your education-Not everyone is meant to go to college and not everyone knows what they want to do. There are plenty of options for furthering education. Many career fields have programs that will help you to learn a trade in a short, cost effective manner. If you already have a good job, try to expand your skills. Learn anything that an employer is willing to teach. If you have employer tuition assistance, take advantage of it. If there is a certificate or license available in your field get it. If you can't think of anyway to further your skills take a foreign language class. Many employers offer additional pay for bi-lingual employees. It can often be difficult to attend school when you are trying to juggle raising a child. The Internet offers many options and alternatives for higher education. This allows the flexibility that is often necessary for survival as a single mom. You may use money as an excuse, but there are plenty of financial aid options. Scholarships and grants are out there, especially for single parents. Most people feel that they cannot qualify for a student loan due to poor credit or other obstacles. Stafford Loans are government loans and are not based on credit. Almost everyone is approved for these loans. Loans do need to be paid back, where as scholarships and grants do not, but it is still a viable option for many.

6. Be kind to your body-Spend some time engaging in physical activities. Staying in shape does more than just keep you healthy. It is a great way to increase your energy level. It also helps to increase your self esteem. Motherhood plays a cruel game on a woman's body. It is easy for these changes to damage a woman's self esteem. This does not have to be some extreme, painful workout. You can always take a walk with your child. This, or course, can serve many purposes at one time. Yoga classes are a great way to stay healthy mentally and physically. If you cannot afford an expensive gym membership or class fees check with your local community center or YMCA. These programs tend to be more family orientated and affordable.

7. Don't be afraid to ask for help-You have friends and family for a reason. They are meant to be your support system when you are struggling. Surround yourself with people who have similar backgrounds who can relate to what you may be dealing with. Arranging play dates is a great way to spend time with your friends and it gives your child a chance to play and make friends too. If you are dealing with mental health issues don't be embarrassed to seek professional help. It is important to know that you are not the only person who has had a difficult time. Everything you are experiencing has already been experienced and survived by someone else.

8. Become familiar with resources in your community-One of the best resources for single parents is childcare subsidy programs. These programs tend to have long waiting lists, which can be frustrating, but worth the wait. These programs tend to be based on income and help to pay child care on a sliding scale basis. Your local human services office can generally point you in the right direction with this. There are government programs to help with anything from medical care and food to housing costs and child care. Local organizations, like churches, often offer food banks as well. The WIC (Women, Infant, and Children) program provides things like milk, cereal, and formula to low income families with children under age 5. A trip to local housing authority or HUD office can provide options and alternatives to affordable housing. There are medical clinics that often provide care of a sliding scale basis, such as Planned Parenthood. A fairly simple Internet search will generally come back with contact information for available programs.

9. Treat yourself to something that you want-This can be difficult for most mothers. A good mother puts her child's needs first. Often, money is tight and mothers have to compromise their own needs and wants for their children. It is important to try to do something nice for yourself whenever you can. This may mean having a mom's night out, a bubble bath, or a small shopping spree. Think about whatever makes you happy and use it as your reward for being the wonderful mother that you are.

10. Read the book The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie-I strongly recommend this book for all women and anyone who feels that life is pushing them beyond their limits. This book contains a different thought for each day of the year. These are positive thoughts that will help you see life in a whole new light. It will show you how to change the negative thought patterns that are keeping you from being happy and successful. The book is aimed at anyone who has a problem with codependency, but it goes much deeper than that. Each day's thought is fairly short and only takes a few minutes to read. If you are a morning person it is a great way to start your day on a positive thought. If you are evening person it is an excellent way to reflect on the days events. All children have to fall asleep eventually and this is mom's time to take care of herself. Take five minutes before bed to get grounded again. Read the thought for the day and think about how it applies to you. Think about what you can do better the next day. This book will remind you that you are not alone and that whatever you are going through will eventually pass and a stronger woman will emerge.
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