Parenting 101: Helping the Kids Cope with Divorce

The challenges involved in parenting children are tough in just about any circumstances. However, the parenting game changes when a divorce occurs and a family is divided. In a divorce, parents must not only deal with the tragedy and emotions of splitting up a marriage. Now both parents must consider how to keep their individual lives moving forward while considering the effects of divorce on their children. It's difficult for parents and children to navigate through these waters, especially if the divorce is less than amicable.

Parents who divorce and have a joint custody agreement must now learn to deal with their children in a parenting arrangement that may be difficult at best. Now, each individual parent must assume the roles of both father and mother when with the children. Parents may find that they must now be well-versed in communicating with their children in areas where they may have been lacking previously. For example, if mom was the nurturing type, dad may now need to be more nurturing when he has the kids. If dad was the fun-loving type, mom may now need to step into that role when the children are with her.

Here are some additional tips to help divorced parents be better parents:

Keep Communication Lines Open

No matter what your custody arrangement may be, make sure you keep an open line of communication with your children. Tell your kids that they can get in touch with you easily and that you will respond quickly. Talk openly about the new arrangement and be sure your kids know that they had no part in the decision to divorce. Nothing is more damaging to children in divorce than them thinking they are to blame for their parents breakup.

Keep a Watchful Eye on the Kids

It's best to set up a sort of informal network of people who are involved in the daily life of your child. Teachers, pastors, caregivers, and other adults who may have contact with your children can keep watch for any odd or unusual behavior. These behaviors may be an indicator of what your child is experiencing as a result of the divorce. When you or your network discover these behaviors early, you can take steps to address and handle them. Some behaviors involve acting out or emotional outbursts and can lead to other, more serious problems if not addressed early on.

Children in Divorce Work Through the Grief with Help from Parents

When children lose a family, it's a serious loss to them. Children feel protected and gain their identity through the family unit. When that family unit is divided, and a single family unit no longer exists, children can feel a terrible sense of loss. This sense of loss can bring on feelings of anger and even betrayal by one or both parents. There may even be times when parents, siblings, or other people are targets of these emotions. As a parent, you must deal with these emotions by remaining calm and using age appropriate language to answer all their questions truthfully.

Divorce is hard on kids. Being a child of divorce myself, I can tell you that when my parents split, I experienced all sorts of feelings from grief, to blaming myself, and even hate at times for both of my parents. To me, divorce was the end of my own little secure world and it left me feeling exposed and vulnerable at a time when I needed both my parents. Don't kid yourself, divorce is going to be hard on your children. My mother arranged for all of us to go to a family counselor. At first I hated the idea, but found later that it was a help to me. You may wish to consider getting professional help if you see you kids having problems with the divorce.

Sources:

American Academy of American & Adolescent Psychiatry: "Children and Divorce"

DivorceSource.com: "Children & Divorce"

Chicago Tribune: "Keeping parental ties strong after the divorce"