Parenting 101: Separation Anxiety in Children

Parenting is not always an easy job especially when dealing with a child that is going through separation anxiety. It's perfectly natural for children to feel a bit apprehensive or anxious when saying goodbye. Some children just seem to feel that separation anxiety a bit more than others. My own children are polar opposites regarding separation anxiety.

My oldest child was perfectly happy separating from us from an early age. On her first day of school, we both turned back toward the back holding back tears, ready to comfort and reassure her about her first day at school. When we turned around, we discovered she had already opened the door and was running toward the school. She was anxious to get in there and get going.

My youngest child had major separation anxiety issues. There were times when I didn't think she was ever going to let us out of her sight. Gradually, patiently, we worked through it and eventually she got to a point where separation anxiety was no longer an issue. Here are some things I learned form dealing with separation anxiety in children.

Causes of Separation Anxiety in Children

There are many things that can cause your child to develop some separation anxiety. Changes in environment or surroundings such as moving to another state or city, a new school, starting in a new day care, or any changes like this can be a cause of separation anxiety. Conditions that cause stress like switching schools, losing a pet, the loss of a family member or loved one can also trigger separation anxiety. In some instances, being too over-protective as a parent can bring on anxiety.

Signs of Separation Anxiety in Children

First, realize that separation anxiety and separation anxiety disorder are two different things with similar symptoms. Some separation anxiety is normal in most children. The difference is the intensity of your child's emotional response and whether those fears of separation interfere with normal, everyday activities. Separation anxiety disorder is an emotional problem that shows up as extreme distress when your child is separated, or anticipates being separated from you or a primary caregiver. If you are unsure, it's best to consult your pediatrician or child care specialist.

Develop a Secure Connection with Your Kids

Secure, healthy attachment is a major part of your child's early development. Spending time with your child shows how much you love them, develops trust between you and your child, and keeps communication lines open and strong. Even if your baby is no longer a baby, it's not too late to start developing these bonds and building a healthy trust relationship between you and your child. Help your kids feel more safe and secure by keeping them on a daily schedule, setting limits, and offering choices when appropriate. All of these will foster a sense of safety and security in your children.

How Parents Can Best Handle Separation Anxiety

First, educate yourself on the issue. Take a half-day and get online with some good resources and learn all you can about separation anxiety. Start with the resources listed at the end of this article. Next, talk with your children about it. There is nothing more powerful than letting your kids know you are willing to listen to them. Don't talk or put words in your child's mouth, simply listen. You will probably learn a lot just from this one step.

Next, it's time to talk about separation with your child. It's better and more therapeutic for your kids to actually talk about separation anxiety. Not talking about this is not going to be helpful. Children need help navigating through complex issues. Always be empathetic but also remind the child repeatedly about the last separation and how they survived it.

Prepare for upcoming possible problems with separation. For example, start preparing your child before the event by reminding them of the good things that happened where they were there last time. If your child has more problems detaching from you, let the other parent take the child and drop them off. Above all, keep calm before and during the separation event and praise your child when they do well.

Don't be afraid to ask for help. Your pediatrician may be a source of help or may be able to direct you to a good source to get help. If you suspect there may be a serious problem and see signs like age-inappropriate clinginess or tantrums, complaints of physical sickness in order to avoid separation, or excessive fear of leaving the house, you may need to consult a child care professional.

Sources:

Parenting.com: "Separation Anxiety Age-by-Age"

KidsHealth.org: "Separation Anxiety

Scholastic.com: "5 Parent-Tested Ways to Ease Separation Anxiety"