Parenting Advice from the Nanny

Having babysat and nannied for children for the last 15 years I have come to various conclusions about parents and children. Many are actually very simple, yet parents are never aware. As a nanny it is very difficult to have one opinion when the parents have another. Often as a nanny I feel that I can see what the parents do not see. A parent is often in denial about their child's poor behavior. The nanny, like others observing, often has a another viewpoint. Here are my main suggestions to those parents.

1 Do not spoil your child. Aka Do not give in to their screaming or kicking. It only teaches them that throwing a tantrum works. They are then receiving negative attention from you. Take away privileges, use time outs, but whatever the threat--follow through. If you never follow through with punishments you WILL lose respect, your child will stop caring, your child will stop listening, and you will lose control. You do not want your child ruling your house. You are the parent and you are in control, not them. Follow through! Every single time. Do what you say you are going to do so your kids know you mean business! If you follow through every time, then they will respect you! Trust me on this, this is probably the most important thing you will hear. Follow Through.

2 You need to show your love and affection when they do well with things. There will be less of a need for them to throw tantrums and look for negative attention if you give them attention when they succeed. Or in the case of older children, they will have less of a reason to act out and rebel. Praise them for good behavior. Thank them when they help out. Tell them that you appreciate their work. Some children simply need a few words of affirmation and will be so much more agreeable.

3 Do not make up for lack of time spent with your children by buying them things. Quality time is so much more effective. Your children want your attention more than anything. They do not need things. They need you. No cell phone or barbie dream house will ever make up for time spent with you. This is no joking matter. Many parents readily admit and joke that they feel bad they are not around, so they buy their children things. Many parents do not care that they do this. You cannot buy anyone's affection or love. Your child wants your love, not your money. Your child will love you for who you are, not for what you buy them. If you buy them special things once in a while they will appreciate them more.

4 Do not over-parent. Do not baby them! Let your children grow up. Do not talk to your ten year old like she is a baby in that cutesy voice you used when she was two. She is not two now, she is ten. Get over it, they grow up. Kids hate being talked down to. I talk to three year olds like they are adults, they love it, that's why they trust me. Let them learn how to make their own breakfast, brush their hair, dress themselves...if they are twelve years old they are perfectly capable of these things! Just because they are your youngest child does not mean you need to spoil them and give into everything they ask you to do. Even if they scream and yell, do not give in. If they are used to you getting their breakfast every day there will be arguments, but make it out to be something exciting. Explain in a fun way that they are now mature and old enough to get their own cereal.

5 Everything does not need to be an argument. You are the boss. Put your foot down on some things. You do not need to ever yell or raise your voice. Sometimes you may not have to have the last word. You can calmly and gently, in a stern tone that means business, tell them what to do. Everything does not need a long explanation, some parents over explain things. Kids get bored by this and tune it out. They give empty apologies just to make the parent shut up. They don't need an hour long dissertation. A simple explanation of "this is why you are in trouble, this is what could have happened...this is what did happen..." Don't punish your child for no reason. If they are in trouble tell them why. Or to prevent them from getting in trouble tell them...If you do X then Y will happen. It's common sense. Most kids do not realize consequences. If people realize consequences...really realize them, they will be much less likely to rebel. Make sure your children know the consequences before they try things. Explain...if you smoke you could get cancer...things like that. If you jump off that you could break your ankle. Do it seriously, but not in anger. Do not do anything in anger, it only makes your child angry as well.
Communication is key. Keep communication open. That means LISTEN to your children. You can still listen, but not let them boss you around. What I mean by listen is let them tell you about their day. Then give them advice. Don't do their homework, don't solve their problems, don't get involved with the drama with their friends, but guide them, help them along. They need to live their own lives. You are simply there to guide them along and help them learn.

If you can figure out how to listen, communicate, give your children the right amount of attention, in the right kind of way, explain to them consequences for their actions, follow through with those punishments, don't baby them/spoil them, then you will be way ahead of the game. These are simple things that can be achieved if you put a little time and effort into it. I have observed many families and these are the things that I believe work.