Parenting: Before and After

When I was twenty- three, I discovered that I was pregnant. I was in college at the time and held no false beliefs about my potential as a parent. I had always been the irresponsible one, the fun one, the one most likely to never have kids. At that point in time, I called children things. I did not want them and I was sure that none of them would want me. After the shock of seeing a positive pregnancy test wore off, I began to contemplate what it would be like to grow up and be a parent. I decided to get married and have my child, with all the enthusiasm of a first time parent. I held firm convictions as to the way I would live my life and raise my child. My expectations of marriage and parenthood were far different from the reality that I was about to enter.

I was five months pregnant when I married a man I had known about the same amount of time. I was bound and determined to make my marriage work. I had dreamed about it since I was a little girl, and I was going to make the most of it. We were raising a child together after all. We had decided that I would be a stay at home mother and that my husband would support us. Soon after, I was pregnant again and I welcomed the chance to raise my sons at home and home school them when it was time. It was wonderful in theory, but in reality, my husband could only keep a job for a couple of months at a time. I had to find a job to support our small family, losing my opportunity to keep my sons out of daycare and raise them myself. In the end, I determined that my sons and I were worth more than maintaining a marriage to a man that was unable to find gainful employment.

Thus began my journey into single motherhood. I thought I had to be as strong as two people to make up for their father not being around. I held high and lofty notions as to how I would raise these boys to be men even though they did not have a man in their lives. There is a list I wrote when I was pregnant that contained all the things I said I would never do as a parent. At times I think I may have stuck to that list if I had not had to do all the parenting by myself. I have lost that list and I am fairly sure that I lost it on purpose. I swore that I would never spank, I would never force my kids to do something that they did not want to do, or let them cry themselves to sleep and many, many other things. Suffice it to say, my sons have been spanked on many occasions, I have to force them to do everything except watch cartoons, and I did eventually have to let them cry it out at night. If I were to ever find that list, I would frame it for my mother. She would get a kick out of it.

Another expectation that I had was that my sons would be the best of friends. And they are at times. The rest of the time, they are each other's worst enemy. I believed that I would raise them in such a way that somehow that aspect of being a sibling would be different from my brother, my sister and I. I believed that my children would escape the fate that has plagued almost every sibling relationship since the dawn of time. While I have no doubt that they will grow up and love each other dearly, right now they are at the mercy of one another's childhood inability to fight without pushing each other down.

I am nowhere near the end of my journey as a parent. I contemplate all the things that I should have done differently, all the things I wish I had never done, and everything I thought I did not have time to do. I have learned that being an idealist and being a parent are two things that do not go hand in hand. I know that I have done everything that I can to make sure I raise strong, intelligent men. I have learned that to expect anything other than that is folly. I do not dream that they become professional athletes or that they attend Ivy League colleges; I dream that they are happy and fulfilled in this life. In the end, the expectations that I held before I became a parent have not only changed, they have been tossed out the window and trampled on many times. I believe that is a good thing.