Parenting an Angry Rebellious Teen: Is it Your Fault?

There is an urban legend that some teens are compliant, completely agreeable, free of drama and actually enjoy the company of their parents. Unfortunately, most parents I know haven't met any of those teens and they certainly aren't parenting any.

Because, let's face it, even under the best circumstances, parenting teens requires special skill. Combat boots, night vision goggles and protective head gear come in handy at times, as well.

But, factor in extraneous life circumstances such as divorce or a loss of a parent to death , for example, and you've likely got yourself a parenting civil war that makes the American and French revolutions look like child's play.

Angry & Rebellious Teen - Where did I go wrong?

If you are a parent caught in a tug-of-war with an angry and rebellious teen, chances are you spend a better part of your day trying to figure out where you went wrong. This is a natural tendency, especially for moms who tend to define themselves and their worth through their children and their parenting skills.

But, are you to blame for your teen's rebellion? Have you completely veered off the parental track over the years? Could you have done something differently? Better? Obviously, the answers to these questions would be "yes" - at times. None of us are perfect parents and all of us can look back over the years and see where we should have zigged when we zagged with our children.

But, if we live by the axiom that everyone is eventually responsible for his or her own behavior, then there has to come a time when a teen's behavior sits squarely on their shoulders. However, knowing when that time actually is may require a bit of self reflection and examination on your part.

Accept Responsibility for Your Failings and Right Your Wrongs

It does none of us any good to lament our parental failures the rest of our life. But, when we know that we could have done things better with our children, it is important to recognize it and admit it.

In fact, sometimes, a simple apology and communicating to your child that you realize you have perhaps not been the most patient, tolerant or understanding parent, can go a long way in making inroads for a better relationship and diffusing teen anger and rebellion.

Having enough humility to admit your failings show that you are willing to put your money where your mouth is. It also sends a strong message to your teen that you respect them enough to admit to and accept responsibility for your own wrongs.

Seek Outside Counseling

Sometimes, when a teen is angry and rebellious, they are twisted up with conflicting and confusing emotions they do not quite understand. Especially if there has been trauma in their life, such as divorce or death of a parent. When compounded by normal hormonal shifts and the general growing pains of adolescence, they can become very bitter and angry.

While you may like to think that you can help your teen through any situation that comes up, especially, if before now you've enjoyed a very close and loving relationship, seeking counseling could provide a necessary reprieve for you both.

Because, let's face it, locking horns with a rebellious teen is not only exhausting and draining, it rarely accomplishes anything productive. In fact, in a strained, difficult relationship, even your best intentions and efforts could be misinterpreted and misconstrued. And instead of helping, you end up alienating them even more.

Seeking outside counseling can not only provide your teen with an objective, sympathetic voice that they can vent their frustrations and anger to, but it can also help diffuse the self-perpetuating cycles of poor communication between you.

It's important to note, however, that if you do decide to seek counseling, make sure the counselor or therapist is skilled in the psychology of teens and adolescence. Someone who lacks expertise and skill in dealing with teens could very well make the situation worse. Take your time and do your homework on this one. It could be one of the most important decisions you make right now.

When You've Done All that You Can Do - Let it Go

Separating yourself from your teen and allowing them to become their own person, which includes taking full responsibility for their own actions and behavior, can feel like trying to separate bone from marrow - impossible.

After you've given the situation your best effort, it's time to let go. Spending the next 10 to 15 years condemning yourself or carrying a load of guilt over your parental failings serves no good purpose. It certainly will never help your teen accept personal responsibility for his or her own behavior.

Besides, you've likely learned by now that parenting is not for the weak and faint of heart. Rarely are you applauded for your efforts. However, you can find a measure of peace knowing that you've given your best to your child.

And one day, if they become parents themselves, they will be able to see firsthand the sacrifices of love you made for them, despite your mistakes.

Sources:

"How to Deal with a Rebellious Teen". January 23, 2008. Lifescripts.com. December 13, 2010. http://www.lifescript.com/Life/Family/Parenting/How_To_Deal_With_A_Rebellious_Teen.aspx

"When a Parent Commits Suicide: Helping Your Teen Cope and Heal". June 15, 2010. Associated Content. December 13, 2010. http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/5481318/when_a_parent_commits_suicide_helping.html?cat=5

Because I Love You.org

Young Women's Health.org

Psychology Campus.com