Parenting the Bipolar Child

Getting an official diagnosis from a psychiatrist initially offers those parenting the bipolar child relief in the form of validation and medication, but this respite is often short-lived. After all, children aren't likely to say, "Hey, I know I'm bipolar now, so I'm going to calm myself down instead of slashing my mother's couch to bits with a butter knife." Quite the contrary. Life of the bipolar child-and that of his family-will continue on the same track until the medication kicks in and therapy takes hold. But even then, parents should realistically expect that parenting the bipolar child will never be an easy task. However, there are some ways to make living with a bipolar child easier, more manageable, and even enjoyable.

Quit Blaming Yourself

Most people wouldn't blame themselves if their child was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes; yet often parents of the bipolar child will blame themselves for their child's illness. While your psychiatrist will tell you that childhood bipolar disorder occurs at a higher rate among children who have parents or direct relatives with mental illness and/or alcoholism, it is still a genetic condition, and no more predictable than any other of the millions of genetic anomalies possible when two people combine their DNA. You can't help it that your parents were co-dependent alcoholics any more than you can take responsibility for the sun rising. And maybe you raised your voice too often, the house wasn't clean enough, or you didn't breast feed. So what? Nothing you did could ever create a bipolar child. The sooner you quit blaming yourself for your child's condition, the sooner you can go about the business of effectively parenting your bipolar child.

Throw a Pity Party

Okay, so maybe you DO need to blame yourself in order to better yourself. No one ever said that all of the rules in the bipolar parenting handbook had to be steadfast. Sometimes allowing time to wallow in misery is all it takes to clear the "pity plumbing." No one questions a grieving parent who has lost a child, and having a child with pediatric bipolar disorder can feel like losing a child a thousand times over. It just makes sense, then, that you may have to travel through the stages of grief a few times during the course of your parenting career. Every few months or so, I call upon my best friend (one who is great at listening without judging) and take a couple of hours to feel sorry for myself. Parenting the bipolar child means being stoic in the most chaotic situations, so a little self-pity (in moderation) can help relieve the never-ending pressure.

Love Your Child

Loving a bipolar child can be difficult. After all, who would willingly love another person who spews profanity, destroys property, and often creates mortifyingly embarrassing public spectacles? If my child was a pet, I would have abandoned him at the shelter a long time ago.

On a recent outing to a grocery store (where my son decided to ram a rack of oranges with a shopping cart, causing three clerks to frantically try to contain the hundreds of cascading orbs), I had to remind myself that I loved him, as the only other option seemingly available was to run screaming from the store and not stop until I was sitting alone on a remote beach with a large cocktail in hand, completely untraceable by the child welfare workers that would no doubt be trying to locate me.

It's okay to love your child, no matter how ridiculous his behavior may be, and regardless of how much he may proclaim to hate you. Take time to picture him as a baby. Savor the sweet times, cementing them in your memory for rougher times that are sure to come. Best of all, peek in on him while he sleeps. Nothing is more endearing than a sleeping child, and this quiet time allows you to reflect on why you love him. Sure, you may not have chosen this life, but you love your child regardless. Never forget it.

Hate Your Child

Again, parenting the bipolar child means never taking any guidelines too seriously. Accept the fact that there will be days you hate your child. It's normal. Once I even indulged myself and Googled "I hate my child." While I was shocked at the number of posts that came up, I was comforted to know that I was not alone. After reading a slew of complaints from tired, bitter, and frightened parents, I realized two things: First, I am not alone. Second, it could be worse.

It is important to note, though, that indulging yourself in a moment of hatred is never an excuse to hurt or berate your child. If you feel an inclination to do so, remove yourself until you cool down, or call a therapist for assistance.

Educate Yourself

Nothing will help your bipolar child more than having parents who know what pediatric bipolar disorder is and how to manage it. Psychiatrists and therapists are great resources for learning, but do not rely on them for all of your information. Take time to locate books, online resources, and community venues that offer information and tools for managing your child's condition. The more you know, the better you can prepare yourself for educating and parenting the bipolar child.