Parenting a Child with Bipolar Disorder

You just got the news. You feel like you've been hit below the belt and you're struggling to breath. That nasty sucker punch just blind-sided you. You can't believe it. It's so unfair.

Once you catch your breath and slowly recover from the shock, you realize the serious expression on the doctor's face means he isn't kidding. It's not a terrible joke.

Now, the tears start. You grieve, get angry, and you don't know what to do.

Sound familiar? Fear not, my friend. Millions of parents, just like you, have received the same unsettling diagnosis. You are not alone.This article is intended to provide you with some suggestions on where to begin finding answers.

So, get a cup of coffee, pull up a comfy chair, take some deep breaths, and relax. The sky is not falling, although it feels that way. Everything will be okay.

Lets' Begin:
First, remind your child that you love him. Remind yourself of the many gifts and talents he has. Pat yourself on the back for being a great parent. Although the diagnosis was difficult to hear, in a strange way, the monkey on your back has been sent back to the local zoo. In other words, Aunt Mary last Thanksgiving was completely wrong to accuse you of being a bad parent because you had difficulty controlling your child. Now you can tell her, that you were just inducted into an elite group, the Parents of Bipolar Children Club. A club of members who have to be willing to develop new parenting skills, and practice patience, flexibility, and show strength. You, my friend, have been and will continue to be the best of the best, in the parenting world. So send Aunt Mary home without a dish of stuffy and left over gravy. That will teach her. Shame on her for being so ignorant.

Research, ask questions, call your state mental health organization. Join the Child and Adolescent Bipolar Foundation. Visit their site and it will provide you with a wealth of information, including articles, brochures, hand outs to give to your child's teacher on how to educate the bipolar child. Not every teacher has had training and may not be handling your child in the right way. Recommended book lists and lists of doctors to contact, medications and possible side effects, and much, much, more. There is even a chat room where you can share your story and find support from other parents who have been through or are going through your situation. There is strength in numbers and comfort can be found when connecting with parents who "get it". They actually understand what you are going through. You'll learn and begin to fully better understand your child's disorder too. You'll find strategies for coping, parenting tips,and best ways for dealing with your healthy children, as well.

Don't forget the healthy siblings. Make sure they don't feel like second best. So much of your energy, attention, and time is spent on your sick child, and rightfully so, but make special time for the healthy children. Reassure them they rank #1 too. Tell them over and over again, that they are equally loved. Have them talk to a professional, so they will develop an understanding of bipolar disorder, and why their sibling's mood is so unpredictable. Let them know it is okay to share their anger, feelings of resentment, sadness and disappointment. Help them understand, they don't "hate" their brother or sister, but "hate" the behaviors that come with the illness.

Look into family counseling. Remember, bipolar disorder is a disease that infects everyone in the home. You have to pull together, become a united team that fights fair, listens, loves and supports one another. Sounds easy, right? Nope, it's extremely difficult.You have been walking on eggshells, not wanting to upset little Johnny. You've been giving in, letting him rule, to keep him from being explosive. Your house already looks like swiss cheese by all the holes he's kicked or punched into walls. The last time he came at you with his baseball bat, you got hurt. The doctor tells you to call 911 if that happens again, but how can you? That's what you're thinking in your head, when you listen to the doctor's words. You're confused by the doctor's words. Doesn't he realize how much you love your child? How could any good parent do that? Well, family counseling might be a way to help you see that calling 911 is good parenting. Remember, you need to parent your child differently, and keeping everyone safe when your sick child is unstable and raging needs to be your first priority. Your family and child should see a professional to help you understand behaviors, cope, and learn methods of parenting child.

Become proactive. Contact your child's school. Make sure modifications are implemented for your child's instruction. Know your States Special Education Plans and guidelines. If your child qualifies, immediately write a letter, requesting your child's school or special education department to evaluate your child. In MA, Bipolar Disorder qualifies for special education or modifications in the classroom. It is an emotional disorder that rides. Shifts in moods and behaviors, are to be expected, and modifications need to be set up, so the school has your permission and ability to address your child's needs. When the his mood dips, like on a roller coaster, fast and sudden, modifications should be in place and ready so they can be immediately implemented. These adjustments might include shortened class assignments, no homework, frequent breaks, his ability to see the guidance counselor or nurse with a non verbal signal, etc.

Research medications. Know the possible side effects and be observant. Learn how to use a mood chart. It will help you see what time of day your child's mood dips or becomes manic. One can be downloaded on the Child and Adolescent Bipolar Foundation's site.

Make sure your child is not over medicated. Don't assume that your doctor, because he is the doctor, is unable to misdiagnose or prescribe the wrong medication. Communicate effectively and regularly. Keep a note pad on you. Write down your observations, what time of the day he dips or shows overly active, manic type behavior. Find a good counselor for your child. Medication alone is not enough. Behavior modification and training might be necessary. Family counseling will help everyone learn new methods for reacting to unpredictable, and often violent behavior, but your child should have the option to receive individual support too.

Establish Family Fair Fighting Rules. Your family counselor or doctor could provide you with information on where to find strategies and parenting tips, including problem solving techniques,suggestions on how to communicate, discipline and parent effectively. For example, don't threaten during an argument and stay focused on behaviors. Don't make it personal. Say:"You are such a good boy, but kicking your sister is a bad thing to do. Kicking is against our family rules." Re-frame behaviors. For example, instead of stating "Child runs away a lot." focus on strength, "Child has good survival skills."

Parenting a bipolar child requires different parenting skills, educational modifications, behavioral coping skills for you and your whole family. You must develop a willingness to learn about the disorder, the medications and the available treatments and services. Never forget your child has talent, creativeness, and special gifts that will make the world a better place. Remember to be your own best friend. Stop feeling guilty. Connect with other parents either on line, like the chat rooms or message boards found at the National Child and Adolescent Bipolar Foundation's web site, or in your local community. Call your local government and ask that they send you links, brochures, and e-mails, names of services, doctors, professionals to contact. They might have a list for family support and parenting support networks in your state.

Make sure you read The Bipolar Child written by authors, Demitri Papolos, M.D., and Janice Papolos. Ask your town librarian to give you a list of recommendations: books, articles, web sites, and contact your state mental health group. They should have resources for you as well.

Most importantly, be good to yourself. Overtime, you will accept the diagnosis. The hurt from the sucker punch will disappear, and you will feel joy again. There are challenges ahead, but if you prepare, research, advocate and learn as much as you can, you will have all the building blocks to help your child navigate through the uncharted water that lies ahead.
You'll have the proper foundation, the platform to begin a new journey, but don't be hesitant to ask for support. Like it or not, when you received your child's diagnosis,you joined the club of parenting superheroes. Membership excludes the weak of heart or cowardly types. You will be amazed, even proud by your new skills, as they develop. You'll marvel at your own strength, power and resiliency. It takes a real superhero to bend and not break, to forgive repeatedly, love unconditionally and grow consistently, in strength and knowledge. Even Batman and Robin might not make the this club's final cut, but you will.

And don't kid yourself. Expect your child to challenge you on the taking his medication and the new family rules. But be consistent, firm, don't cave. Your family therapist can help you with this. The professional might suggest making a behavior chart, outlining chores, family rules and incentives to motivate your child.

On a bad day, when you react quickly, out of emotion, in the heat of the battle, and all your knightly royal training is thrown out the window, because old patterns are hard to break, forgive yourself. Accept the fact that once in a while, you might make mistakes or even "lose it". But that's okay. You are entitled. You're only human, even if you have elite parenting status. Pick yourself up, quickly, find balance and forge on. Rome wasn't built in a day.Your challenge is far greater, and requires more stamina and resiliency than the other parent, living next door to you. Remember, you are a member of a one of a kind, unforgivably, underrated group of heroes, the parents of bipolar children.

Appreciate and love yourself. Love your child. Accept for the time being, you are boarding a new unfamiliar roller coaster filled with dips and surprises, BUT, when you hit the lows, don't stay stuck. Look for the highs, the happy times, that are waiting. You will find laughter and hugs again. Remember, you are not alone. You'll do just fine.

How do I know?
My elite membership began in 2004.
Welcome aboard.