Parenting Disciplinary Tips: Why Don't Children Respond to "No!"

"No!" has been used for quite sometime by parents to deter an unruly child or to prevent a child from getting hurt in a particular situation. Saying no seems to work for the first couple of times but afterwards children laugh and defy the parent as soon as they hear the word no, why is that?

The common reasons of why saying no can lose its effectiveness are because; it has been frequently overused by the parent, the parent's reaction when using the word is greatly anticipated by the child, the child reacts negatively to the word no to fuel his misbehavior for attention.

Overuse

How many times a day do you say the word no, count how many times a day you say the word no to your child, you will be surprised to find out how often you say this word. When a parent overuses a word that is supposed to discipline it loses it's dominance, it becomes irrelevant to the child. The child learns to resent the word. No should only really be used when the child is in immediate danger for instance, if a child is playing near a hot stove, or if a child attempts to run into traffic, if you use the word no in this manner the child will associate danger and caution with the word no. You should not have to use the word no, when you do not want your child to have something, instead use the word yes, for instance if your child wants a cookie before dinner or if your child wants to play outside when it is bedtime you can easily respond, " Yes, I know that you want a cookie right now but you have to eat your dinner first or "Yes, I understand that you want to play outside right now but you will have to wait until the morning time when we can both go outside and safely play together." Saying no may influence a child to misbehave so try to avoid using the word no in less dangerous situations. As I mentioned earlier, when you don't want your child to have something at the moment it's better to avoid no because if you have overused the word no then the child will automatically assume that he/she can never get what is wanted, so it is best to rephrase and speak in a manner where you imply a (not right now, but later) tone. By using the word no for dangerous situation as opposed to normal situations (when the child expresses a desire for something that is not necessary at the time being) you create a unique border that helps the child realize what means danger and what means not right now.

Reaction

When you say the word no, Do your eyes bulge out of your head? Do you huff and puff. Does your face appear flushed? Do you stamp your feet? Do you suck your teeth? These timeless expressions are what usually follow the usage of the word no, and these expressions no matter how serious, can prove to be a spectacle for a child. So it is best to watch your facial expressions, tone, and body language. When using the word no you should have a calm face that exudes seriousness but not too much seriousness, your tone should be firm not too loud, not too low, and definitely not aggressive. No matter how frustrated you are try to keep the facial expressions and sighs to a minimal. If you use the simple, calm face, firm voice technique your child will quickly get the hint that you are serious. To help with the facial expressions practice saying no in front of a mirror, to practice your tone of voice, talk out loud in a room as though you were talking to your child, also try to practice relaxation measures, breathe in and out and count to 10 before responding to your child, counting can momentarily redirect the stress.

Misbehavior, (attention through negative behavior)

Children will intentionally behave out of boredom, tiredness, or lack of attention (as a rule, if the child is tired or hungry he/she is not misbehaving, all though it may seem as though, the child just wants to be tended to) if you tell a child no during this time of feeling bored, tired, or hungry the child will most likely ignore you and continue the misbehavior. If the child is suffering from lack of attention then his/her goal will be to get you to say no, so that he/she can derive attention out of you, this is when the child anticipates everything that comes with the word no. It is important to observe a child's disposition before saying no, look at the child and ask yourself, could he be hungry, tired, wet, bored, or does he just need attention? If the child needs attention respond to his intentional misbehavior, positively. Ask the child if he is bored, and then ask of some suggestions of activities that he would want to do, and then once you two have found that activity let the child know that he does not have to misbehave to get attention ,but you have to act on your words, compliment your child when he does something good, or when he shows you his work of art, have random conversations with your child, take your child out before he asks you, just acknowledge your child as much as you can, and this will make him feel loved, important, tended to and confident