Parenting the Foster Child

As a foster parent first for the state of Oklahoma, and currently for the state of Texas, and also having fostered privately for two newborn babies whose mothers were in prison, more than 50 foster children have passed through my home. Some stayed for more than a year, others for only a few days. Two have stayed to become our 'forever children' and a third is now in the process of becoming ours through adoption.

Parenting a foster child is a challenging, rewarding, and sometimes difficult thing to do. Each child has their own story and their own set of circumstances. Each one is unique. They capture your heart, and there is no way to keep from becoming attached to them. And indeed, you would not want to stop yourself from becoming attached, because that would not be good for the child, who needs love so badly during this dark time in their life.

As a foster home, children will come into your life during all times of the day and night, and in all kinds of conditions. They may be a newborn baby, who does not really seem to realize anything has happened to them, or they may be recovering from a pregnancy induced drug or alcohol addiction. They may be an older child, who is confused, scared, and only wants their mother back. They may be dirty, have lice, or have medical problems from abuse. They may also be well cared for and much loved, but have parents who do not know how to care for themselves, and have abused themselves with drugs, alcohol or bad men, or have a mental illness, and therefore put the child in an unsafe situation.

When an older child comes into your home, it is best to take your cue from them. They may want to be rocked and cuddled, and in that case, you will be able to do what you would most likely want to do, and you can hold them. On the other hand, they may look at you as a stranger who has helped separate them from their parents, and they may be stand-offish, or even angry at you, and you will need to give them some space. In a case like this, it's best to just quietly talk to the child, reassure them that they are safe in your home, and that you will do all you can to help reunite them with their parents. If you know a parental visit will be soon, tell the child about it, and help them count the days. Let them draw pictures or write letters to their parents. Encourage them to ask their parents the hard questions at that visit. If the parents are not willing to answer those questions, then you may need to be the one to do it, in age appropriate answers.

Never put the birth parents down in front of the child. The child needs to believe their parents love them, even if it does not seem that way to you. Tell them as much of the truth as is appropriate. Don't make it worse than it is, or better than it is. Just tell them as much of the facts as you can.

Always be willing to allow the child to grieve. Understand that a terrible thing has happened to them. If they are old enough to talk, let them talk about it. Understand that no matter what has happened to the child, they love their parents. Don't feel threatened by that. Let the child talk to you and help them work through their feelings.

Most likely, the child will have weekly visit with their family. These will usually be supervised by the state workers, and be in the Child Protective Services office. When you take the children in for a visit, it's good to greet the parents with a smile, and give them a rundown of the child's week. Tell them something funny the child has done or said. Try and let the parents know that you are on their side, and are rooting for them to get their lives together so they can get their children back. As a foster parent, you are not the cause or the person who took their child away from them; you are just a safe home for the child to stay in while the family tries to fix what was wrong that caused their child to be removed. Sometimes the parents will understand this, and will be grateful to you for taking care of their child. Other times the parents will see you as the enemy, too, and will actually search the child's body for any little mark, bruise or skinned knee, and will want to make reports and try to prove that you as the foster parent are not caring for their children any better than they did. They will stand in court during the hearings, and accuse you of terrible things. The caseworkers and judges are used to this, and they understand the underlying motives, and will take all this into consideration. They will try and help the parents work through their feelings of anger. Sometimes, you will be told to take the child to the doctor to rule out any abuse on your part. It's important to understand that this is all a part of foster parenting before it happens to you.

Many people come into foster care hoping to eventually adopt a child, and it's especially difficult for these people to want to work towards reunification of the family of the child. It's very important to remember that the state foster care system is not an adoption agency, but always works towards getting the family healed and back together as their main goal. As a foster parent, no matter what your own personal feelings are, you must work with the state towards that goal. Try to mentor and encourage the parents of your foster child, as well as the child himself. Be a part of the team to help this family stay intact. If you can keep this goal in mind, then if the situation arises where the family just cannot make it, and the child does become available for adoption, you will know that you have done all you can do to help the family, and that you have become the parent of a child who truly needs a home. You can adopt that child with no feelings of guilt towards the birth family.

And finally, it is important to realize that more often a child who has come into your home, and has been there for a long time, sometimes a year or more, will eventually be reunited with their families. They will either go home, or a relative will have a homestudy and get custody of the child. By far, this is the hardest part, saying goodbye to a child that you have loved, nurtured, fed, bathed, and maybe taught to walk and talk, and who may not remember any other mother than you. It will feel akin to a death to walk back into your empty house when this much loved child has left. People who don't understand will tell you they could never do what you do, because they are too sensitive and could never give a child back. When you hear these words, and you will, please remember that an attitude like that is not sensitive, it is selfish. What they are really saying is that they are more interested in protecting their own heart, than in giving a vulnerable, hurting, scared child a home during the darkest hours of their life. Remember that you are the one who is truly sensitive, and that you are the one who has been willing to help God in the work of taking care of one of the 'least of these.' God will bless your efforts and you.

Foster parenting is hard, and it's rewarding. It's receiving anger and hurt and giving love and shelter. It's taking something broken, and helping to heal it, whichever way it goes. It's worth all you go through, to help a child grow up whole.