Parenting in a Matter of Fact Way: Submitting Life Lessons in a Matter of Fact Way, Children Have No Choice but to Comply

As a mom of three ages 14, 6, and 1, I have had plenty of chances to experiment with parenting techniques. One of the most helpful sprouted out of a book I had read through my seperation from my husband. Why'd You Have To Get A Divorce And When Can I Get A Hampster? by Anthony E. Wolf. His techniques are so matter of fact that you have to question why you didn't think of them yourself. For example the "I hate you" outburst from your child when they don't like what you have asked them to do something, he suggests your response should be "That's fine if you hate me, Just do what I asked of you." From that point your only concern should be that what you asked of them gets done, not answering or playing into what excuses or insults they may throw at you. I loved this book.

Many times moms are shocked when I tell them my kids go to bed without problems or they had no problems weaning from the bottle. I just make bed time bed time, period. No one more minutes, no drinks of water. We have our routine, story kiss and lights out. I have always found that not giving an option is the best parenting technique. Oh they are clever, children, "I'm not tired" "The sun is still out" "Lucy's still up". None of this matters to me, bed time is bed time I can't help you out here kid, the clock says BED TIME.

The same thing goes with the bottle. When they hit the age the doctor told me was weaning time, I just took the bottle away and put it out of sight. Gone. I explained to the child that they were now too big for it and we use a sippy cup. I also did not allow them to go to bed with a bottle or use the bottle to pacify them. It is a feeding tool, not a plug to make them be quiet. They cried for a day or two. But I stuck to it. The bottle is all gone. This is what we just use now. I can't change it it's just gone. Again when a kid has no choice, they have no choice.

Matter of fact parenting works really well with teens too. Boy, this age group is a manipulative bunch. I have kept the grey hairs at bay with these techniques for sure. Just an example of the fights we had before I used this. "Lucy, it's your day to do dishes." My daughter responded, "I did them yesterday." Me, "Oh well could you do them today too please?" Her, "No, I don't have to I did them yesterday, your so lazy mom!" Me, "Don't you call me names, now you can do them all week!" I'm sure you can imagine the drawn out argument from here ending in her crying at the sink and me in the bathroom crying to my mom "What did I do wrong!"

Here is an example of using my matter of fact"ness". "Lucy it's your day to do dishes" "I did them yesterday." Me, "Oh, well I need you to do them today please." "You're so lazy mom, I don't have to" Me, " That's fine if you think I'm lazy, you need to do the dishes." Her, "I hate you, you're so mean!" I just reinforce the idea that what ever she comes up with will not change the fact that she is doing dishes. "That's fine if you hate me, you need to do the dishes" This is such a beautiful thing. I don't have to take anything she says personally, I just need to keep my cool and remember the task at hand.

When I left my husband, it was such a hard time for my daughter. The power struggle was mind bending. She was all of a sudden an expert in debate, and I would fall into the cycle. She would win by me playing into her manipulation tactics. I would get so upset at the things she would say that I often would loose it or say forget it, to what ever I was trying to accomplish before the argument started.

The main idea is to remember that you are the parent. What you say goes and the tactics the child may try to use to get out of what needs to be done do not matter. Wheither you are potty training or guiding your teen, you know what needs to be done and they should be taught that they cannot compete with your rules. Acting as though you have no way of changing the rules and they just "ARE" helps take the arguments out of the lessons. Feeling the respect of my children after mastering these skills, has been ever so rewarding for me.