Parenting More Than I Expected: Violent Reactions

Parenting is much harder than I thought it would be. It turned out to be very different than what I expected. It is not just like babysitting. I was very unprepared for the violent reactions I would get as a mom. Not violent as in hitting or hurting someone but the violent reactions that hit you in your gut or heart like a blind side.

I did not expect to feel such unconditional love towards my children. It is a feeling that hit me rather violently the moment I saw their tiny faces, hands and bodies. The feeling left me helpless, protective and scared all at the same time. All of these feelings were wrapped up in the feelings of unconditional love. These little beings were a part of me and that felt like a miracle.

I never expected as a parent that I would feel the need to rear these little beings into functioning humans. I knew that bringing a child into the world meant caring for them but I never thought about the other things that hit you so violently. I would have to teach these beings everything from eating and talking to walking and socializing. That was a wake up call that hit me as a violent reaction I had never felt before.

I never expected to have uncontrollable fears as a parent. These fears hit you violently and sometimes not so violently. The first day your child wants to do things his or herself, you fear they are growing up too fast. The first day you have them sleep in their own room, you fear they will stop breathing. You tip toe into their rooms at night just to listen for the slightest sound. You fear when the go to school, go on their first play date or even ride in the car with you. These fears and the irrational ones too hit you like a violent fist in the gut.

The last thing I ever expected as a parent was to appreciate my parents more. Every day as my kids get older, learn more and become self sufficient I appreciate that my parents went through this too. They know what it means to have unconditional love, irrational and rational fears and that they had to rear me into a self sufficient human being.