Parenting Multiple Children: Being Fair While Making Each Child Feel Special

Every child is unique and has interests and wants that are specific to him or her. As parents of multiple children, it takes a lot of effort to identify the special qualities of each child and use them to be an effective influence in their young lives. Sibling rivalry is a natural outgrowth of children working to establish their niche in the family unit. As their roles become less defined or other siblings encroach on their domain, rivalry increases. Parents need to work to guide each child into their place in the family and make sure that the child is content and able to grow as a person.

Establishing tasks in the home for each child helps begin to lay relational boundaries in place. Each child should have an area that becomes his or hers to maintain. Household chores fall into this category. However, a pecking order for answering the phone or doorbell can also be a task. Reward each accomplished task in small ways like a compliment. Money is not as effective as personal attention.

Don't buy a gift or treat for one without including the others. Even on birthdays, give every child a small gift that they can enjoy opening while the birthday child opens their stack of gifts or larger gift. It's not a really pricey thing. Our children never felt left out at the other child's birthday or special occasion.

When buying clothes or other necessities, it can often be too much of a budget strain to buy everything for all at once. Make sure every child understands that their turn will come. If you buy back-to-school clothes, be certain to have each one a new outfit to wear by the first day of school. Start early so each child can receive parental attention before heading out the door.

Spread the affection and attention around. Don't overlook the fact that the squeaky wheel gets the grease. If you have a child with special needs or behavioral problems, give your other children the same amount of time that you devote to the needy one. Some will disagree with this. Many will say it's quality not quantity. For children, the quantity of the parents' attention is equated with the level of affection. The reason for the attention is not important. Keep track of time, and divide it as equally as possible.

Don't fall into the trap of bragging on A's by a smart or overachieving child and ignoring or belittling the C's of an average child. Encourage them to do their best and brag on their best not the letter grade received.

In short, even if it runs thin, spread your time and effort around. I always say that I have two favorite children. Both of my kids grew up thinking I liked the other one best. I take it as a compliment. Your children need to be able to look backwards as adults and have the feeling that you were always there anytime that they needed you.