Parenting Secrets from a Youth Minister

Raising teenagers is not easy. Twenty-five years in the ministry, most of it dealing with children and teens, and twenty years as a parent has given me some unique perspectives based on trends, cycles, and repetitive behaviors I have observed in parenting over the years.

Three things strike me as particularly important to understanding, raising, and working with teenagers. Two of the things I would like for parents to understand have to do with parental attitudes towards their kids. One is a sage piece of advice I was given when my own kids became teens. All three are valuable to help parents have a positive, vibrant relationship with their teenagers.

A spirit of bitterness ruins family harmony

I used to be surprised to find parents who were bitter against there own kids. After a while, I came to understand that there are a number of parents who hold covert resentments against their kids and don't even realize it.

Parents sometimes resent kids for costing them time, money, relationships, hobbies, and other things. Often parents don't see resentment and bitterness for what it is because they try to hide it. After all, most parents love their children and want what is best for them. They don't want to acknowledge bitterness toward their own child, but until bitter parents recognize their own feelings they may cause conflict with their teens without even realizing it.

Parents should take a look at their own heart and motives and try to understand why some things their children need, ask, or demand drive them crazy. Is it because it is costing the parent something they want or need? If it is it may make you resentful and hard-hearted toward your child.

When this happens the child senses it. It causes the parent to make decisions from an emotional rather than a rational place. This very often leads to conflict.

Decisions made from bitterness or selfishness cause parents to say "no" to reasonable requests, which in turn leads to rebellious behavior because teens don't understand why you are saying "no."

A situation like that is not the teen's fault. A parent who understands their own heart and motives will soon discover if they are interacting with their child and making decisions from a place of bitterness creating unnecessary conflict. They can begin to change their own behavior which will result in a change in the way they interact with their teenager.

You are under no obligation to explain your decisions to your teens, but if you will take the time to discuss expectations, requirements, and parameters for living with your teenager you may find that they become more cooperative and less hostile when living within those requirements.

It also forces you to make decisions from a rational and moral place rather than covert feelings that you don't understand.

Lack of respect for individuality crushes parent-teen relationships

One of the most difficult parts of parenting a teenager is realizing that soon it will be time to let go of your child. Teen years are the time when you begin the process of letting go, giving your teenager measures of responsibility and expecting them to act in accordance with their growing responsibility.

Controlling parents who refuse to let go are in for a hard run through the teenage years and even into young adulthood. As a parent you have to realize that your child is their own person. They may be a reflection of how you have raised them, but they are not an extension of you. As such, they will have their own ideas, likes, dislikes, and inclinations that should be respected, just as you would respect any other individual.

You cannot control your child even if you want to. Parents who are overbearing or overly controlling develop dysfunctional relationships that drive their children to either rebel or become co-dependent. Neither is a healthy way for your teen to grow up.

Creating expectations is a normal and healthy part of the parent-child relationship. It must be done with respect to the child's individual identity. Allow room for your teen to become the person that God created them to be, enabling them to fulfill their God-given destiny.

Don't take it personally

One of the best pieces of advice I've ever heard was given to me when my first child reached the tumultuous pre-teen years. There are so many things going on with kids at this age physically and emotionally that even kids raised in healthy families can become a handful. I was told by a colleague and mentor that the best way to parent successfully through the teen years is to not "take it personally."

I have since shared that advice with many parents who came to view the philosophy as a new lease on life during their child's teenage years.

Don't take it personally. Moodiness, mouthiness, or sullen moods are not a reflection of you or your parenting skills. This mixed bag of emotions is part of growing up. It is part of the teen's attempt to form and understand their personal identity.

This doesn't mean that you roll over as a parent and let the teen talk back to you, disrespect you, or disobey the rules. It does mean that a normal teenager is going to do these things, and you shouldn't take their behavior as a personal affront.

If you can remember this crucial key then you can parent with discipline and respect without getting angry. When you take your teenager's reactions personally it makes you angry. Once you understand that they are working to define and find themselves you can discipline them without anger.

Sound to simple to work? It's not. I can tell you from experience. Even during those times when parenting becomes stressful, looking at your child through the eyes of love and trying to understand what they are going through will help you keep yourself together and keep your relationship with your teen strong.

There are no easy answers to parenting teenagers, but applying a few truths and principals to raising your teen will make parenting a little easier for you.