Parenting: Separating from an Adult Child Who is Abusive
Most people are pretty familiar with all the press courage, and TV specials just how devastating it can be when kids are on drugs. There is no such thing as family when drugs are involved. The only thing the addict cares about is getting the drugs, and using them. Many times it doesn't matter what they have to so to get the money to pay for them. So many family members of drug addicts have nee through the agony of their children stealing form them, whether it be money, jewelry, family heirlooms, as long as it can be used to obtain their drugs. Many families suffer for years with this type of behavior. Some eventually, put their foot down and say No more. Too many just keep trying to help the addict. Well, you can't help the addict they have to help themselves. I wouldn't hold your breath waiting for them to be enlightened. You may suffocate to death while your waiting. This is a definite situation when parents must let the addict go, never to return until their clean and sober. If parents don't, they may end up the casualty, instead of the addict.
Sometimes because of mental or emotional problems, grown children can inflict a great deal of pain onto their parents. Don't be fooled they can be just as devastating the addict. The only thing that's different is their type of child is addicted to inflicting emotional or mental pain on their parents through mind games, degradation, neglect, manipulation, verbal abuse, and blaming. As far as their child is concerned it is the parents fault for every lousy thing the ever happened to them. This type of child insidious with the amount of pain he inflicts. Often times you can spot the parents a mile away, they feel guilty about everything, and take full responsibility of why their precious little child didn't turn out right. Oh boy, does this child take advantage of that. There comes a time when the parents have to say enough, and let this child know he's on his own, and only welcomed back after he has taken responsibility for their life, and can treat family members as they should be treated.
Last but not least is the rage-aholic, This grown child uses intimidation, screaming, cursing, and often times physical abuse to get what he wants from his parents. The parents are so scared they are afraid to do anything. As in any type of abusive relationship, this must stop, sooner than later. Again these types of parents usually take responsibility for their child's behavior as well. After all in their mind if they were only better parents their wonder child wouldn't be so angry. These types of parent's need to wake, get a restraining order and Not allow their grown child anywhere near them until proof of serious counseling regarding anger management has been done, and the counselor has the opinion this person is now safe to be around. They must never take the word of the abuser that they are okay. Most abusers are also very manipulative as well. Even with the okay be the counselor, it is not a given that everything will be fine. These types of parents need to take a strong stand for how ever long it takes the abuser to be well. Unfortunately, it may not be soon, or ever. The family member's safety is the number one consideration in this situation, Not how much you will miss the abuser, or that maybe in some way you have betrayed your own flesh and blood.
Thinking about separating form a grown child is probably one of the hardest thing a parent would ever have to decide when it comes to their children. However, you know what they say, No One Ever Said Life is Fair. The most important thing to always remember is, that NO One no matter what title they may have in your life, child, parent, brother, sister, mother, father, or whomever, NO One has the right to abuse you in any way, and you ALWAYS have the right to protect yourself, even if that means saying goodbye to your child!
Published by Hannah
I am a former child & family counselor, and now retired. I am proud to be a U.S Air Force Vietnam Era Veteran. I enjoy writing articles on Relationships, Dating, Marriage, Parenting and much more! I hope you... View profile
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10 Comments
Post a CommentMy daughter and her three children live with me. She is hateful, disrespectful, and verbally abusive
to me. she has anger problems and I suspect she may have schitzophrenia, but I cannot get her to go for a diagnosis. She is a recovering addict who now abuses her prescription drugs. I would have NO PROBLEM kicking her out if it weren't for the kids. They are doomed if they don't have someone in the household to lean on. I have tried to get custody but she can put on a pretty good act when the welfare workers get involved. Anyone got any ideas? If not, pray for me. I think that is the only thing that will save any of us in this situation.
My daughter is a former street/drug addict ... now prescription/legal addict. Lately she has had an obsession with the 1980's when she was running the streets for sex and drugs and I was working full time. Now she wants me to tell her I am sorry for the way I tried to raise her as a single parent. She lives with a lady older than me who believes her "stories". I am not sorry for the way I tried desparately to raise her.
I am thankful I found this article b/c it describes my husband's family. My BIL is all 3 types you described. My MIL won't do anything b/c she feels scared, guilty and completely w/out options. She won't give up on him b/c she can't bear another suicide in her family, which he uses to control her. What can she do?
Gmabee: Everyone needs to do what's best for themselves. I can't tell you what to do. The point really is we can only help those who are willing to help themselves. As long as they are being destructive to themselves and others, we need to step back, as they are not ready to help themselves. We cannot forfeit our own lives nad well being to those who are determined to destroy themselves. We can offer help, but they have to be honestly willing to take it and do what they need to do to get well. Most addicts will not do this till they hit bottom.
I agree with "leaving it in God's hands"..but does that mean never finding out what his problem are? It's been 10 years of leaving it in God's hands and if that was working for me, why do I feel so bad day after day, year after year? Isn't there someway of going on without him and still enjoy life with the rest of my family, who I knw are suffering right along with me. I don't ever want to see or hear from him again; regardless of whether of not he gets the help he so sorely needs. I'm sure he will never get that help. Should I write him a letter and tell him he's out of my life for good?
Good article. My husband and I are going through a situation with his daughter similar to Gmabee. She has pretty much cut us out of her and her childrens' lives, and we don't know exactly why....have some guesses, which have to do partly with her mother's influence, but we don't think that is the whole picture at all......it's very hard, but we have to leave it in God's hands and trust Him to work it out in His time.
Gmabee:What most people are not aware of is that kids can use anything as a form of control. He may be hanging on to the reasons for leaving because of this, or it may be whatever he experienced when he was gone is too painful, or shameful for him to talk about. The point is you must take care of yourself.
This information is important to me as the subject is one I have started to believe is something that has been ongoing in my own life for years. Because of some recent events,it has become painfully evident that this is an issue I must put an end to before it is too late. The background (briefly as possible)my son removed himself from our family for approoximately 2-1/2 years. There was no contact from him in all that time. Noone in the family could explain it. We had no way of locating him or getting in touch with anyone that could help us. I, as his mother, fell into a very deep depression, culmanating in hospitalization,years of antidepressants and psychological intervention. Approximately 7 years ago, he returned to the family, withour any explanations of why he did this. My therapist advised me several times, it was vital that we discussed the reasons for his actions. I tried to accomplish this, but each time he would become very angry, emotional and very defensive. Needle
Good article. Abuse of senior parents is happening more and more.
well done here!