Parenting Someone Else's Kids: A Forced Relationship

The stepmother in Cinderella is an exaggeration of an easy-to-not-notice-you're-doing-it problem with 'someone else's kids'.

It may be easier for you if you have had children of your own. (I stress, for you. This could make it harder for your partner's children.)

Everything is variable with the child's personality, but there are some factors that commonly affect a child's willingness to accept you.

Age is an important thing to consider. A young child like a baby or a toddler may be much 'easier' for some obvious reasons. An older child, usually from age 6 to 11 or so will usually take the longest to accept you. It is also very important to consider how long it has been since their parents split up. Some children in this age group still believe that their parents will re-unite, and you will symbolize an obstacle.

If this is the case, there is really nothing you can do. It is up to the parents to convince the child that they will not be together again, and is is up to the child to accept and understand this. It can take a very long time for some children.

A teenager, on the other hand, is just difficult period. Not just to you, but to their parents as well. Understand that since you are not their parent, you will have twice as hard of a time if you try to discipline them (if discipline is one of your assumed responsibilities as a step parent. This is an important thing to decide and agree upon between you and your partner. I'll cover discipline more later on.)

Adults are much more likely to just be happy that you make their parent happy, in most cases. Some adults also can be just as unlikely to accept their parent with another person as a younger child, if not more.

It is important to take special note of the first impression you make on your partner's children. This is why it is so easy to do what I did to my stepdaughters, and my stepmother did to me. Giving gifts is the most effective way to make a good first impression. It can backfire if you're not smart about it, but it is really the best way to go out of your way and let the child know you are not just thinking about their parent, you are thinking of them as well.

I used to take my stepdaughters to a dollar store every weekend and let them both pick out one thing a piece. It was a special trip for just the 3 of us. Of course they loved their dollar store gifts, but what really mattered was the time I spent with them. Eventually, I didn't have to spend any money. Even something as simple as taking a walk together said the same thing.

A few months after the birth of my son (whom the girls both accept as their brother, not just a half brother) my father remarried. IT was only a year or two after I had become a step mother I now became a stepdaughter. My stepmother had done the same thing to me that I had done with the girls. Although I am an adult, and I am just happy to see my father happy, she still went out of her way and occasionally gives me random gifts, from things I needed like maternity clothes and diapers to just nice, unexpected things like Avon jewelry and such. It did touch me that she would make the same efforts that I had made, although it wasn't necessary. (She even goes out of her way to buy little gifts for my step daughters...)

It takes work for "someone else's kids" to accept you period. Even after you earn their respect and trust... the next hardest problem is the discipline mentioned earlier.

Discipline is something that parents must do to raise their children. If you become a step parent, it is important for you and your partner to agree on what role you will have with the discipline. You can't be all fun anymore, you have to step up and be a parent as well. This is where the child will give you the hardest time.

In my house, I am the home maker. This means I help with the homework. I get a lot of attitude if I tell either of the girls that something is wrong and to find the right answer without my help. This is how I help with homework. In som cases, I'll even have them figure out wich problem is wrong on their own. I understand it can be very frustrating for them. One daughter is used to her mother (both daughters come from different mothers) sitting down and helping her with her homework, and finding the right answer. She is frustrated that I refuse to do it that way. I have my own parenting methods, and even though it is different from her other parents, she has come to accept that I am not going to be flexible with my expectations of her.

Chores are the same thing. With her mother, she never had chores other than picking up her room once in a great while. With me, she is to clean her room everyday, wash her own dishes, and I also gave her the duty of cleaning the bathroom. If she does this everyday all week without being reminded or giving me a hard time, she gets an allowance at the end of the week. (She is unaware that whenever she is also recieving change in a jar for our family vacation this summer whenever she does anything that deserves a reward.)

My oldest step daughter was very easy. She has told me that I am the closest thing to a mother she has ever had. She is 11, and we have grown really close. However my youngest step daughter still gives me a hard time occassionally, because I am not her mother and I am not her father. It will take time for her to get used to me now that I have stopped being 'her dad's fun girlfriend' and started being her step mom. It was just as difficult a transition for her as it was for me.

My advice about the discipline, is do not back down. No matter how hard of a time you get, you have to be the adult. Don't be mean about it, be as fair as you can. You don't have to be Cinderella's evil step mother, but you should never say 'ok, you're right, i'll try to do things more like your other parent.' You are in charge too. Just be sure that any methods you use are acceptable with the child's real parent.