Parenting Styles: Choosing to Be an Authoritative Mother Works Best for Me

As a mom to a nine-month-old baby, who has many friends who are also mothers, I have both experienced and observed many different types of mothering styles. As my son continues to grow and mature each and every day, I find myself challenged by things more complicated than how long I should let him go between feedings like I did when he was a newborn. As he becomes more mobile and independent, I find that more and more everyday I am faced with instances in which I must decide what type of mother I am going to be: an authoritarian parent, an authoritative parent, or a permissive parent. I find the decisions much more challenging than I ever would have thought they would be.

Wikipedia defines an authoritarian parent as one who has "high expectations of conformity and compliance to parental rules and directions, that does not allow for open dialogue between parent and child. Authoritarian parents expect much of their child but do not explain the reasoning for the rules or boundaries..."; an authoritative parent (also sometimes called a "democratic" parent) is described as "a child-centered approach that holds high expectations of maturity, compliance to parental rules and directions, while allowing for an open dialogue about those rules and behaviors between the parent and child...[They] encourage the child to be independent, and although demanding, tend to be warm and responsive."; and the definition of a permissive parent is "having few behavioral expectations for the child and is characterized by warm affect. Parents are nurturing and accepting, but non-demanding. They are very responsive to the child's needs and wishes, while displaying little to no control over them."

(I should note here that there are many psychologists and doctors also agree that there is a fourth parenting style, called neglectful parenting, which is described as "similar to permissive parenting, but the neglectful or rejecting parents do not care much about the child. The parents are low in warmth and control, are generally not involved in their child's life, are disengaged, undemanding, low in responsiveness, and do not set limits." Without question, this is one parenting style that I could not see myself utilizing, in any situation.)

At a nice dinner out last night my son (who is thankfully typically very good-natured and well-behaved, especially in public) preceded to continue to throw his toys on the floor, grab at the tablecloth and knock things over, and cry when he did not get exactly what he wanted -- I found my patience tried. In these situations, I understand where authoritarian parents are coming from. Then I wonder: how much good does it do to discipline a nine-month-old to the point of demanding conformity and compliance? I am sure there are parents out there who use this style and would swear by it. If that's the case, then that is wonderful for them. However, gently but firmly telling him "no" to the offending behavior and showing him another, more acceptable option helps us to build a pattern of future behavior in which he understands what is expected of him, while allowing him to continue to feel loved, supported, and independent at the same time. In my experience, being an authoritarian with children most of the time leads them to feel emotionally cut-off from their parents, and in turn in their future adult relationships.

In almost the opposite manner, the pros to permissive parenting would be having an almost conflict-free household, as the child is almost always given his or her way. It is also a parenting style in which the child feels warm and loved, and they do not need to question the emotional connection that they have with their parent(s). The cons to this is that since there are no boundaries, rules or expectations either set or followed-through on, the child does not learn how to function within the rules of the real world, and may encounter many unfavorable situations with outside authority once outside the realm of the family.

I have a friend who parents her child in this way, and not only was it incredibly annoying to be around her and her child, especially in public, her child went on to become an incredibly spoiled adolescent who ran into numerous troubles with school teachers and other authority figures. I personally have found that allowing my child to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, is only a short-term solution. Overtime, it typically leads to more and more unwanted behavior, and a bigger headache in the end.

For myself, I have found that I am mostly an authoritative parent. Along the way, there may be instances here and there that will require a harsher, more authoritarian style of parenting, as there may also be times when a more permissive style will be alright as well. However, I want my child (and any future children that I may have), to know that there are boundaries and rules, but I also want him to be able to decide for himself what the best decision in any given situation is. I want him to know that he can come to me and even though I may not agree with him, I will be here to listen, and to help him solve his problems if he wants me to. I want him to know that I will love him no matter what he decides to do.

I am well aware that there will be a time not far from now that I won't be around to monitor his every move, and I want to be confident that I have taught him the difference between right and wrong, without interfering too much with his independent thinking. I also think that it is crucial to his emotional development to know that his father and I trust him to make his own decisions, particularly in trying or tempting in situations. This is such a strong part of his foundation for one day going out into the world and becoming successful in his own rite. I want him to be comfortable and secure in who he is and know that he is loved and accepted, while being both prepared and able to treat others with the same respect, tolerance and patience that we have shown him. As a mother, this is the most important objective to me, and an authoritative style best enables me to do just that.