Parenting a Teen Who Lies and Steals: A Loose Grip and a Mind Awake

Your child has acquired enough knowledge about human nature by their teenage years to lie and steal with great subtlety. Basically, their brains are developing and they are getting clever. Luckily, we as parents know most of their tricks, having used many of them ourselves. To our teenager, their lying and thievery will seem like the cleverest thing in the world. (Don't we all, no matter what age, think our lying is the cleverest?)But to us it's as obvious as the little boy who says the candy fell from the shelf into his pocket. Let's examine lying and stealing from a philosophical and psychological perspective. How does a parent approach a teenager who has a habit of lying and stealing?

Approach your teenager only when it becomes a habit:

Do not hinder that universal drive for free will. Give your teenager a chance to realize his or her behavior before you adopt a stern face and judgmental tone. If they are lying about cleaning their bedroom or taking a shower, be concerned, but indicate nothing more than slight disproval. Remember, at this age they are super-sensitive to our advice. If you are too quick to point out a character flaw with words, they may react with derision and even cultivate their lying to spite you. Of course, if you see that the lie covers a more serious problem - sex, drugs, or unlawful activity - you should immediately take action. This is a place of relativity: each parent will have their own definition of a "serious problem." Stealing is no different. If you notice money missing from your wallet, be concerned, but wait for a pattern before reacting. Curiosity leads us to do many things one time. So let it go if your child struggles with lying occasionally, and let it go if your child steals from your wallet once at age 14 and one more time at age 19. Lastly, if letting your child "get away with it" seems only to encourage the behavior, try a more subtle kind of punishment. When they lie or steal, a quiet disproval will often be more effective: "That's just wrong, son," you might say with calm disappointment. If they can be curious about the darker things in life, teenagers can also be curious about the lighter things in life. A gentle and complacent tone to begin often leads them to reflection. You may be pleasantly surprised one day by a question: "Do you struggle with lying too, Dad?" They hold your opinion highest despite all evidence to the contrary.

Examine how their lying affects you:

Examine thyself! What's your immediate emotional reaction to their poor behavior? Is it indignation? Do you ever wonder how a kid like yours could possibly act that way? Or perhaps its rage, frustration, or a show of disfavor that makes you feel better. Do not make a mistake in reaction to a mistake! Teenagers are outrageously perceptive at times like these. They will examine you like a wrist watch; taking note of every clicking gear. If your timing is off in the slightest, they will be more damaged from that than perhaps anything. Clear your head about what kind of parent you must be if your teenager lies and steals. Remember all the competing forces of that age? The social pressure, the innocent and sometimes not so innocent curiosities, the insecurities, and the inner conflicts? Sympathy is the only way home. One can only be kind when it comes time to be kind. We all want to know the reason for their behavior, but to know all is

not to forgive all. The only thing you must know is how to react. Sympathy does not mean being a lamb all the time; sometimes we must be lions. Sometimes only a roar will awaken them from that teenage drowsiness.

Do as I say, not as I do!

Wrong! You can forget every word you said against lying and stealing if you do it too. Just give up your role right now as a mentor and parent if you participate in the same behavior you condemn. If there is always a legitimate excuse for your lying, how can you expect them not to think the same? Role models are never perfect, so the worst case scenario involves your sincere admission of guilt.

Let lying run its path:

You hear them lying on the phone to their friends about how wealthy you are, how their grades are the best in class, and about past hiking expeditions up Mount Everest. They rode a motorcycle with grandpa at age 6! Your house is the Temple of Delphi. Zeus combs your hair. They seem to be constructing a fantasy world! What now? You can't cut open your teenagers' soul and erase that thing we all hate in others: pride. As much as you try squashing their chances of lying, this human characteristic will shine through. Lying is the quickest and easiest way to get the attention and admiration of friends. It's also the surest way to lose them in the end. Let your kid learn this the hard way. Let them experience the frightful and ghastly consequences of deceiving friends and family. Nothing will dissuade them from lying quite like that experience.

Stop stealing in its path:

Habitual stealing must be stopped. You will never see a police officer with your handcuffed son saying "Your son was just caught lying to his friend in the state park." Theft is a criminal act at almost any age. Lying is more often than not a crime of the spirit. Stealing is a thrill. There is a social norm that says stealing is wrong. Naturally your teenagers will ask why. Well, they can find out either the hard way or through persuasion of your own. I suggest persuasion in this case. Is there anything of theirs that they hold dear and that was a gift from you? Next time they steal, try taking that away as punishment. The idea is not to play a mind game, but to bring them out of their current perspective into the perspective of the victim - someone who has lost something important and precious.