Parenting Teens Who Lie and Steal

Parenting a teen who has started down the path to lying and stealing is a challenge. Teens who feel they must lie and steal to survive have a life of misery to look forward to, because if the problem is not fixed before they become adults, they could end up in jail or at very least with no real friends. Adults who lie, no one wants for a friend because of not being able to trust them. Adults who steal, eventually go to jail. Do NOT look at this as a 'phase' that your child is going through. Apparently, the teen has seen it necessary to lie to either get the attention needed from friends or feels that a lie is less trouble than the truth with his or her parent or parents. Stealing is usually caused by one of a few things, the teen may have friends that have put pressure on the teen to steal with the rest of his or her friends. Another reason that a teen may have began stealing is possibly because he or she feels that he or she is entitled to whatever the teen wants whenever he or she wants it, in this day of 'immediate gratification' a teen may not be able to overcome the societal pressure to have it NOW, rather than working for and saving up for the items he or she wants. Some teens actually steal to get his or her parents' attention, if the parents are always too busy for the teen, he or she may begin to steal to get bad attention from mom and dad, remember, bad attention is better than no attention. Another reason some teens start to steal is the 'rush' they may feel from 'getting away with it.' This one is really serious, because as the teen gets away with each act, the teen steals larger and larger items, in order to get the same rush from stealing. Left uncorrected, this reason for stealing can eventually lead to an adult who steals cars and other items that would make the thefts a felony. Some teens may have much deeper issues that are causing the teen to lie and steal, such as a drug problem. These teens usually must take care of the underlying problem and then the other problems, lying and stealing, can be dealt with. But if the teen is stealing to support a drug habit, and lying to cover up the drug problem, until the drug problem is dealt with the stealing and lying will most likely continue. If the drug problem is dealt with, the lying and stealing may be corrected without any further intervention, since the need to lie and steal were based on the need to pay for and cover up the drug problem.

There are unlimited ways to change the behavior of the teen who has begun to lie and steal. If one idea does not work, there are many more that a parent can try. Do NOT give up on the teen, this will convey the message to the teen that he or she is not worth the time and trouble to bother 'fixing' the problem. The teen may then give up on themselves. Using a combination of strategies is usually needed to correct the teen's behavior. Some ideas a parent can use are in the paragraphs following.

Talk to the teen. Teens are people too, most teens have learned how to interact to some degree as an adult. Some teens may just need to know that these behaviors are not acceptable, and will not be tolerated by his or her parents. Ask questions, can the teen explain why he or she is behaving in this way? Let the teen know that if he or she gets into trouble, lying will make his or her punishment much worse. Explain to the teen that if he or she continues this behavior, when he or she is an adult that he or she could spend a great deal of time in jail. Explain why being truthful is so important in any relationship, and if he or she continues in this manner, you will be forced to not trust them and most of the privileges and freedoms that he or she enjoys will have to be removed for his or her own safety. Some teens may not realize that he or she is behaving differently, and change his or her behavior. Many teens will not change their behavior based simply on talking to them, but the purpose is to open communication with the teen and let them know how the parent feels about his or her behavior. In addition, having a conversation with the teen may give the parent some idea of what is going on in the teen's life and may give the parent some idea of why the teen has started this behavior. The teen may also feel that he or she can talk to the parent more freely and that the parent cares enough to take the time to talk to the teen. One of the most important things that the parent can do for their part in this conversation is to LISTEN. Some parents have the problem of doing most or all of the talking and not listening to what the teen is saying and trying to monopolize the conversation. This is not beneficial in this situation, since the idea behind talking to the teen is to let him or her know that the parent is available to the teen and will listen to what the teen has to say. Communication is both talking and listening. If a parent can remember these things, the teen will hopefully respond in a positive way, and having this conversation will begin a situation of trust between the parent and teen. If a parent is able to, these conversations should begin in early childhood. The communication that will result from having these 'talks' with the child, may be able to completely avoid major problems in the future when the child is a teen. Talking openly with your child fosters an environment where the child grows into a teen knowing what the parent expects from the child before he or she is a teen. Never lie to your child. If a child or teen asks a question that requires and answer that the child or teen is not old enough to hear the answer, or the child has asked about something like the easter bunny or tooth fairy, or Santa, where the parent could easily feel justified to lie, instead, tell the child that you will be happy to discuss the question when the child is 'older.' In this way, you avoid lying to the child and your teen will not be able to say something to the effect of "but you lied to me about..." later in the child's life. If the child comes to the parent and says something like "My friend Tony told me that there is no Santa Claus." Instead of lying, saying something like, "Tony shouldn't have said that, that was mean," will then allow the child to continue believing in Santa, the parent could then ask something like, "How did it make you feel when Tony said that?" Then the child has the outlet to let the parent know how he or she felt about the situation, but the parent does not have to lie.

Take away privileges and check on the teen often. If the teen continues to lie and steal, measures will need to be taken to hold the teen to his or her word. Explain to the teen that if her or she goes to a store to buy anything that a parent or other adult must be with him or her to be sure that he or she doesn't steal anything, since the parent does not need the headache of going to pick him or her up from jail and or going to court to deal with that whole ordeal. Also explain that he or she WILL be checked on, anytime and anywhere the teen is, that the parent may show up, the teen will never know where or when the parent is going to show up to make sure the teen is where he or she should be and is doing what he or she is supposed to be doing. Make it clear that the teen is to tell the parent/s where the teen will be, what he or she will be doing while there and what time he or she will be home. This is a good practice for every parent to get into whether the teen lies and or steals or not. Safety dictates that knowing where the child/teen is at all times, what he or she will be doing, who they are with and what time they are expected home is a necessity in society today. Teens who's parents have no idea of where they are and what they are doing are at greater risk for many bad things to happen to the teen. If something were to happen, the parent would have somewhere to start looking and which friends to call in case of an emergency. Check on the teen often. Go to where the teen says they are going to be and make sure he or she is where he or she said they were going to be, doing what they said they would be doing and with who he or she said they would be with. If there are to be any changes in plans, make sure that the teen knows that the parent expects a phone call to inform the parents of the changes. This gives the parent a chance to rebut or disapprove of the change in plans and the chance to tell the teen to go home immediately. Checking on the teen also makes him or her know that he or she had better be where he or she said they would be. If the teen is made to be responsible for his or her actions, it may change the behavior of the teen. Hold the teen responsible for his or her actions. If he or she is somewhere other than agreed upon in advance, take the privilege of going places away. Grounding or restricting the movement of teens is a long used practice that may work. Make sure the teen knows that no matter what someone else's parent says is acceptable is not his or her parent saying it is correct or acceptable. When the parent is sure that the teen is acting responsible and not lying about where the teen is and what he or she is doing, the frequency of the checks can be lessened according to behavior. Making sure that every so often the parent may show up is a good way to make sure that the teen is on his or her best behavior.

Ground or put the teen on restriction. When the teen is caught telling a lie or stealing, there MUST be a consequence. Teens who have no consequences to face for mistakes made, do not tend to follow rules and do not respect authority, especially not the parent. The length of restriction or grounding and the severity of the restriction or grounding should fit the crime. If the teen is caught in a lie, like what his or her grade was on a test or assignment, it should not be punished in the same way as a teen who stole the family car and stayed out all night and drank alcohol and partied. If the teen lies about the offense, the punishment should always be worse than if the teen takes responsibility for his or her actions. Some ideas of changing the severity of the restriction or grounding are the use of the telephone, his or her cell phone, television, movies, going out with friends, stereo, video games, and dating. Taking televisions, radios, cell phones, cd players, dvd players, game consoles, etc, and keeping them physically away from the teen is an idea as well as just telling the teen he or she may not use the things. Removal of the items from the teen, may get the point across more effectively than simply telling the teen he or she may not use them. Keeping the teen restricted to his or her room may also be effective. A teen who has his or her television taken out of the room, and then simply migrates to the family or living room or even a sibling's room is not very effective at keeping the teen from the television. Telling the teen is one thing and enforcement is another. ALWAYS enforce what is said. If the parent tells the teen his or her punishment is to be grounded to his or her room with out his or her cherished belongings, for a certain amount of time, then the parent MUST stick to the punishment that was given. If the teen's behavior has changed and the parent notices this, the parent may choose to shorten the punishment accordingly. Never shorten the punishment for unacceptable behavior. The parent must never give the teen a punishment that the parent cannot or will not enforce. If a parent knows that he or she is not capable of a certain punishment, then it should not be given out by that parent. When giving out punishments, no matter what the punishment is, the parent should NEVER punish the child or teen when the parent is still angry. The parent should always make the child or teen tell the parent what the offense committed is, and the parent should always explain that the parent loves the child or teen and that particular behavior is not acceptable and will not be tolerated. The parent should then make sure that the child or teen understands the punishment. The parent can be sure that the punishment is understood by asking the child to explain the punishment back to the parent. This way there is no question that the child or teen understood the punishment and there is no confusion at a later time. Teens are notorious for using the excuse "well, I didn't know that I wasn't allowed to do that." This practice eliminates that argument. A parent should also ask the child or teen if he or she has any questions about the punishment. This gives a chance for any confusion as to the punishment to be clarified. Once the punishment is up, the parent should then increase the frequency of the checks on the child or teen. Do not increase the length of the punishment for minor infractions in behavior while the child is on restriction or grounded. If a parent does increase the length, the child or teen will feel as if he or she cannot trust the parent to keep his or her word. Decreases in the length of the punishment must be earned. A grounded teen should not be taken off of his or her punishment because he or she misbehaves even worse when he or she is grounded or restricted. Never reward bad behavior. This confuses the teen.

Keep the teen busy. Adding extra chores or responsibilities. Some parents may choose to try adding more for the teen to do as a consequence. If a teen lies or steals a method that may work to change a teen's behavior is to add more chores to the teen's chore list. Giving a teen extra work to do may keep the teen busy and make the teen think of why he or she has no spare time to do the things that he or she wants to do. Making the teen sweep the floor, mop the floor, dust, take out the garbage or other chores that usually are not on the teen's chore list, may make the teen think about what has caused him or her to have to do this extra work. If a parent chooses to use added chores, the parent needs to make sure the teen understands the frequency the parent expects the teen to do the chore. In addition, the parent needs to check to be sure the teen has completed the chores when they are expected to be done. If the teen gets away with not doing the added chores, because the parent does not check nor enforce them, the added chores are useless. The teen is not held to the added responsibilities and is therefore ineffective in accomplishing the desired effect. Make sure that the chores are done correctly and not done in a manner less than what is expected of the teen. This measure goes back to the thought that "busy hands are happy hands," thereby keeping the teen out of trouble, and making them think about the offense. These added chores may help the child to stop lying and to stop stealing.

Use natural consequences, and 'create' natural consequences. What is meant by this is if the teen steals something in a store and the parent gets a call from the police, or the store, telling the person in charge of the situation to take the teen to the police station and proceed without the parent's intervention. Too many parents consistently take away the natural consequences of every situation of trouble in a teens or a child's life, making the child feel there are no consequences for anything. The teen does not learn by being bailed out of every instance of trouble that he or she gets into. If more parents would have the attitude that the child or teen must be responsible for his or her behavior, the behavior problems may not continue. Many parents may think this is cruel, but there are some children and teens that natural consequence is the only way to change the teen's behavior. Many adults sitting in jails wish that their parents had let them face the consequences of their own actions when they were younger, because it may have made them aware of the fact they could not get away with whatever they wanted to and not get into trouble. When a teen gets into legal trouble, the record is sealed on that teen's 18^th birthday, and cannot be held against him or her as an adult. When a person is an adult and gets into legal trouble, it stays with that person forever. It is better to let the teen face his or her legal consequences and learn while still a juvenile, than to continue the behavior and not learn this until he or she is an adult and has a permanent record, which will affect him or her for their entire life. Letting the teen know that if he or she gets into legal trouble, the parent will NOT bail them out, not even when he or she is an adult, may change the way the teen looks at theft. As far as 'creating' natural consequences, what is meant by this is knowing that the teen has stolen a book from a store. Taking the teen to the bookstore and making him or her return it and apologize to the store owner or manager. This gives the owner or manager the option to talk to the teen, or even press charges and call the police on the teen. Theft is a crime, and is a serious offense. It should be treated as a serious offense. If a parent is going to use this type of situation to help to change the teen's behavior, he or she should also be ready to allow the legal system to take it's course, since the store owner or manager may or may not press charges. In the past, simply returning the stolen item with an apology would probably sufficed for most store owners, whereas now, more and more stores are taking this opportunity to go ahead and press charges against the teen, in order to stop this behavior. If a child cheats on a test, he or she should get an "f." If the parent interferes, the child never gets the "f." Letting the natural course of events dictate the consequences is a very useful tool when it comes to stealing. If the teen steals something from a neighbor, encouraging the neighbor to press charges against the teen may be hard for some parents, but may be a necessary action to stop the teen's behavior.

Teach the teen the pride that comes from being truthful and working hard for and earning the money for and saving up to buy that item that he or she really wants. Teaching a teen the satisfaction that comes from working hard for and earning the money for an item that is wanted him or herself is an easily taught lesson that may change his or her behavior. Being known for being honest and truthful is very satisfying as well. These are two lessons that a parent can easily teach a teen. Give the teen an allowance, or allow him or her to babysit to earn money if the teen is responsible enough to do that. Sign up the teen for a babysitting class through the red cross or other agency or school. This should prepare the teen to deal with a number of situations when babysitting. Help the teen to decide what he or she would like to have very much. Tell the teen that you will put in half of the money for this item when he or she has raised enough money by working for the money by doing chores, cutting lawns babysitting or whatever work he or she can do to earn money. This gives the teen some incentive that you are involved and will help him or her to get there a little bit sooner. Explain that anything worth having is worth working for, and will mean so much more to him or her than if it were just given to the teen. Help the teen to choose the item. Make the item cost enough that he or she will have to do several babysitting jobs or chores to earn enough money for it. (Something costing approximately between $100-$200 is a good first item.) Remember, the parent is going to pay for half of this first item, to show the teen that the parent is involved. The parent must not back down on this, or the teen will not learn to trust the parent's word. When the amount of money is earned, the parent can take the teen to the store to buy the item and make it an outing for just the teen and the parent or parents. This will help the teen to learn the satisfaction of working hard for something he or she wants.

Role reversal to teach the importance of honesty. This tactic is not widely accepted as a good method of teaching a teen to be honest and not lie, but it has worked and proved a point with some teens. Wake the teen up first thing in the morning, in a very excited way. Tell the teen that the family is going to a local amusement park, such as Six Flags, or Great America or whatever amusement park is in the area. Tell them to get up and get ready so you can go and get an early start. (This is best done in the summer or on a weekend day.) Let the teen get himself or herself ready to go. When he or she comes into the room, be sitting at the kitchen table or on the couch drinking a cup of tea or coffee, still in pajamas and obviously not ready to go anywhere. When the teen asks why the parent is not ready to go, the parent explains that the parent lied. Get the teen to sit down and ask him or her to explain how he or she felt when they saw the parent was not ready to going anywhere. Ask him or her to tell how he or she felt when the parent laughed and said that he or she was lying. The parent should then explain that is how he or she feels when the teen lies to the parent. This is a drastic step and should ONLY be used once and as a last resort. The reason that this method is not very good because the parent is lying when he or she tells the teen that the family is going to the amusement park. The parent should try to never lie to the teen.

Have the teen write a report on why lying and or stealing is wrong. If the teen cannot seem to get the point that lying and/or stealing is wrong, make him or her write a report on how lying and/or stealing are wrong and why it is wrong and what can happen if a person lies or steals as an adult. Have the teen spell out what he or she can and will do to change his or her lying or stealing behaviors. Have the teen find examples of how lying and stealing have gotten teens into trouble. Tell the teen that he or she must write at least 5 pages on this topic and it is due in one week. Go with the teen to mark the date and time the paper is due on the calendar. Tell the teen that it must be typed, double spaced, and he or she must do his very best work, or he or she must do the paper until he or she gets it correct. When the teen hands in the paper, the parent should read the paper immediately and discuss the paper with the teen. Talking about the importance of how the young people in the examples could have changed the situations that they were in. Talk to the teen about the importance of being honest. Find a few news stories where a young person was honest and was rewarded for being honest. Ask the teen to read the stories and talk about them with the teen. Ask the teen why it was so important for the young person in the story to be honest.

These are just some ideas of how a parent can deal with parenting a teen who lies and steals. Changing a behavior is not easy. It is often frustrating and is not a fun thing to deal with. With patience, the behavior can be changed. Do NOT give up on the teen. A parent should always remember that he or she is trying to do the best job as a parent that he or she can. There are many more ways to deal with the lying and stealing behaviors, books or videos on how to deal with this may be other sources of information that may be valuable to a parent as well as what ideas are here. In addition, the only limits on how to parent a teen who lies and steals is are the parent's imagination!