Parenting Tips: Behaviors to Avoid when Your Child Starts College

It's a proud moment that you've been anticipating since the day Junior first entered pre-kindergarten: the day he would become a college student. You came up with a plan for paying for his college education, researched different schools, and later coached him through the PSAT/SAT preparation processes and completed his admissions applications. You rejoiced with him when he received his first - or only - acceptance letter.

Now the day has finally arrived for him to start college, and you can't wait to attend New Student Orientation with him, meet his academic advisor and perhaps even a few of his professors. You have lots of questions to ask - in fact, you wrote them all down. After all, Junior is likely to clam up at random times, just like he did during that parent-teacher conference in the seventh grade. So someone has to do the talking, right?

If the above scenario bears even a smidgeon of resemblance to the thoughts swarming around in your mind as son or daughter prepares to start college, pause for a few seconds, take a deep breath, and slowly exhale as you count to ten. Do this a few times and then perhaps even pour yourself a cup of herbal tea as you read the following paragraphs on what not to do during this important time in your offspring's life.

Having advised hundreds of college students, helped to coordinate new student orientations, and shared stories with others in my field who have engaged in these activities, I can say that there are a few patterns of parental behavior that don't go over very well once a young adult starts college. My intentions are good, but what you are about to read may go against everything you believe you should do. So please keep an open mind, because you'll save yourself and your new college student tons of frustration in the long run.

The first behavior that is an absolute "no-no" is to act as a "Helicopter Mom" - or Dad in some cases. An article entitled, "Do 'Helicopter Moms' Do More Harm than Good?" was recently run on abcnews.go.com addressing this very phenomenon. A helicopter Mom is essentially one who hovers over her child, micromanaging every step of his or her life and education.

While I would say that it is both unfair and inaccurate to assign this title to one gender exclusively (I've observed this behavior in both mothers and fathers), I do agree that helicopter parenting plays out in college far more frequently than it should, particularly with college freshmen during those initial days of acclamation. Helicopter parents sometimes act as though they are joined to their children by the hip. They accompany them from one college office to the next, serving as their child's official spokesperson and sharing their questions and concerns with every school official they encounter.

What many helicopter parents neglect to do is empower their college student to take responsibility for their own education. Furthermore, they tend to become very angry with higher education professionals who by law are prohibited from sharing every tidbit of information on the student with the parent. According to the Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act of 1974 (FERPA), school officials cannot release information from a student's record without the student's written permission once he or she turns 18 or begins college. This means that even information such as college placement test scores should not be discussed by the academic advisor or counselor with the student's parents unless that student has signed a consent form.

Statements such as "I'm paying for my kid's education so I have a right to know" do not change the laws. They only create friction between you and school officials, which won't set a positive tone for your college student's future. So even if you want to visit your son or daughter's campus with him or her, it is best to stay out of individual advisement sessions and stick to the parent sessions that most colleges and universities hold during orientation.

The second behavior has an undercurrent of helicopter parenting but is done from behind the scenes. It is when a parent rehearses everything they want their college student to say or do during that first day on campus and then calls him or her on a cell phone repeatedly to find out if the mission was accomplished. I have lost track of the number of new students who sat across from me in my office and began our conversation with, "My mom told me to ask you..." I have also been handed numerous cell phones by college students whose mothers or fathers have called and demanded they speak to me about their son's or daughter's schedules of classes.

Although your college student may be a little nervous that first day or even week and not know all the right questions to ask, it is best to limit your involvement to one of support. This is the time when you want them to learn (if they have not already) how to function independently of you. And while that may be done through trial and error, it is a natural part of growing up.

Third, it is wise not to sway your college student in the direction of a particular major because you think it would be a good career for him or her. You may want them to become a doctor, lawyer, or engineer and shun the idea of pursuing communications or psychology as a major. However, if your son or daughter is in a major that does not mesh well with his or her interests, it is highly likely that the end result will be a lack of motivation, poor grades and possibly even dropping - or flunking out of college.

This happens quite often with students who either don't want to follow in their successful parent's footsteps by pursuing the same occupation or have no interest in going on to run the family business. It also happens to some students who are extremely gifted in various areas of the arts such as writing, music and drama, or who are drawn to helping professions such as social work. The pressure to forego their own dreams so that they can make their parents happy often leads to depression and failure among college students. In addition, it sets the stage for them to spend their lives trying to please others instead of finding meaning and purpose in their endeavors.

Last, avoid advising your college student based on what you did when you were in college. Regardless of how many degrees you may have behind your name, times change, and institutions differ with regard to policies and curriculum. While it may not hurt to share your experiences, don't expect things to function the same as they did when you were in school.

Regarding my last point, there are some parents who actually work at their son or daughter's institution or are also enrolled in classes at the school. In situations such as these, more extensive communication may be possible regarding classes, schedules and policies, but advisement is still best left to the faculty and staff who are trained to provide the most detailed and accurate information possible. Otherwise, the end result may be problems that could've been avoided had you stayed out of things.

While letting go is hard, it is a must for every parent of a new college student. You may have invested a great deal of time and money into your son or daughter's education, but at a certain point you have to trust that you've done a good enough job of parenting up until now to where you can move over to the sidelines and proudly reap the fruits of your labor. And who's to say that even if Junior stumbles and falls along the way, he won't learn from his mistakes and go on to be quite successful in life. You'll never know until you give him the opportunity.