Parents Can Help Their Teens Through Depression: Tips From Someone Who's Been There

Because adolescence causes many bodily changes, depression strikes teenagers more often than any other age group. Depression is twice as likely to occur in teenage girls than boys. Hormones are one factor, but other types of depression - even anxiety - are caused by disrupted home lives, school bullying and the stress of trying to fit in and please everyone (both family and friends).

I personally have gone through teenage depression and have seen one of my friends suffer from many of the same difficulties that have plagued me. The common response from family members when I've asked why they couldn't help me - when I felt they refused to help me - was that they didn't know what to do to help me. Hindsight has given me the experience and knowledge of, not just what I went through, but what my family went through during my teenage depression. It wasn't easy for any of us. It wasn't easy for me because I faced it first-hand. It wasn't easy for my parents and other family members because they felt helpless, ignorant of what they needed to do to help me and feeling sorry for it.

A teenager suffering from depression is terrible, but a family unable to help because they simply don't know how makes things much worse than the situation has to be for everyone. As for a child, looking at his parents as the all-knowing and all-caring beings in his life, and seeing that they don't have the answers to a vicious problem, it can be difficult to understand, let alone accept.

Research on the Internet, in books, and in magazines tell parents how to deal with their children from the child's perspective - not the parent's perspective. It's material written by professionals, to parents, for children, not written to parents for parents.

You, as the parent, have the greatest ability to positively (and negatively) affect your child's development, and if you take appropriate steps, you can stem the tide of anxiety and depression. By becoming a better parent, you can lead your children, through example, out of the doldrums where so many teenagers find themselves.

Depression- and anxiety-prone children put up walls around themselves to keep them safe from the outside world.

When I was fourteen years old, I wanted help, but the barrier around me - one I put up myself - kept my family a safe distance away. It was a test for them, one they could only pass if they (I felt then) really wanted to help me. If they wanted to help me, they'd sacrifice themselves and do everything they could, but as far as I was concerned, if they failed, they didn't really care, didn't appreciate me, and didn't want me."

Bridge building is the best way to help. Through conversation and daily attention, you can break the barrier that surrounds your child.

It's difficult to determine whether your child has built a barrier. It's difficult for children, and teenagers, to talk about their feelings if they do not often understand them. It takes years of experience to deal with life's problems. An adult can tell you when she is depressed or anxious or scared, but for children, it's a different story. They may not have words for their emotions or are scared (because of social taboo) they will be labeled weak. On top of that, a teenager will not open up unless she fully trusts the adult she is opening up to, sure that they have her best interest at heart, and for some teenagers, only after severe torture can they be sure.

A teenager throwing herself into self-torture (cutting her wrists or turning her friends and family away to isolate herself) is a sign that she is looking for help but does not trust anyone to give it, and is testing the water much as she would the water at a swimming pool, putting her toes in first to guard the rest of her body.

Consistent, daily attention to your child's needs is the first, most important step to open up the barrier that surrounds her. Begin by doing fun activities with her, taking her to a park, a movie, or for a drive every now and again (once a week at least). Help her with homework, talk to her about school and friends-and her depression and anxiety. But be aware, there are some boundaries that you shouldn't cross. Spending too much time with your child can be as negative as spending no time with her. Keep a healthy balance, but stay consistent.

It won't happen overnight, nor can it, but in time you can break down the barriers your child has built up and step into her world. Building trust goes a long way to allowing your child to explain her fears, problems, anger, or sadness.

Become a professional.

You don't have to get a doctorate in mental health to treat your own child's depression. What you have to do, though, is read books and Internet articles (and watch Oprah) to understand what your child is dealing with. There is enough information that you can learn what the doctors know. Not enough to write your child's prescription, but to be there for her when a councilor doesn't have access.

Through self education, you can see more clearly your child's depression and anxiety, know better how to deal with it, and how to improve your child's daily life. Depression and anxiety lives off ignorance, and is crushed by knowledge. But simply knowing won't help. You must put what you know to work.

Teach your child how to be her own professional.

Imagine you're thirteen again, sitting across from a doctor who seems to know everything there is about what's wrong with you, but won't tell you a thing! How can you open up to a person like that? How will you react to someone who seems to be holding information from you?

Put the steering wheel into your child's hands for a more affective treatment. Don't let her stay in the dark about anxiety and depression. By doing so, you give her the experience needed to open up to you, fight the disease by herself, and come to an understanding of what she is dealing with. Many children go through adolescence with feelings they don't understand, and the lack of understand perpetuates them.

There are many techniques for battling depression and anxiety, and by teaching them to your child, you can give her much of the control in life she feels she lacks.

Use positive reinforcement.

Negative actions, thoughts, and feelings instigate feelings of anxiousness and depression. They send a signal to your child-from you-that you're not for her best interests. She seeks love and comfort, much as a toddler would, but if you don't give the affection she won't have a reason to believe you want to help. Your child will clam up and keep the pearl of her being from the light.

Open up to your child. Human beings are very susceptible to verbal and bodily messages from other human beings. That's why advertisements work so well and companies go out of their way to spend millions of dollars on a single super bowl ad.

Positive reinforcement (both physical and verbal) will help your child deal with life's issues by reinforcing in her that you are there when things become too much to handle. This doesn't mean that you should bend over backward for your child or that children who receive positive messages daily don't become depressed or anxious. You have to set boundaries for her, pushing her to grow up (to gain responsibility and grow into a better individual). Not having structure or borders in life creates many depression and anxiety symptoms. Children in positive families can develop depression and anxiety, but when it occurs, it is much rarer and often times less debilitating than when a child in a negative environment develops depression and anxiety.

You can't-logically-take the stance of "helping those who help themselves" until you prove to your child that you indeed want to help, and then give her everything (knowledge and your guidance) she needs to help herself. Once you do this, you can approach your child firmly, but not being overbearing.

Never put your child down out of frustration, anger, or any other emotion directed at her difficulty in living. To do so is to backtrack on the progress she has made. Negativity sends messages of perfectionism and feelings of failure, both of which help cause much of the depression and anxiety in teenagers.

Anxiety and depression form in a void left in your child by the lack of structure and goals, much like a wasp will build a nest in a hollow oak tree. By building structure to your child's life, you can fill the void with positive actions. By giving her something to look forward to, to achieve, to work for, you give her help to battle back against the dark thoughts and anxious feelings filling her days and nights. Except for extreme cases of mental disorders, depression and anxiety within the teenage population is a normal reaction to your direct actions. Even good parents may not be educated on depression and anxiety, or realize that they've let their children go quiet for too long without talking to them about life, or playing with them as much as they used to. It's hardly a sign of bad parenting to have a child who is dealing with mental health issues. In fact, if you're reading this and looking for help, you're doing what you need to do, but don't accept that and not try to do more.

Though much of the treatment for children delves into depression and anxiety from the child's point-of-view, or the counselor's, parents have the heaviest weight to throw around in the matter. You gave birth to your child, raised her, and know her better than anyone else. For most children in their teenage years, who can't verbalize their feelings, it becomes their parent's responsibility to lead them to safety.