Parents Have to Put Aside Their Differences and Support Their Children During a Separation or Divorce

I looked around anxiously for my little one with my digital camera in hand ready to snap. I smiled at my daughter dressed in her beautiful pink and white sun dress and patent leather pink shoes. The 'Moving On Up Ceremony' for toddlers on their way to kindergarten was a site to behold

Then I noticed something was terribly wrong. Her eyes were shining but not with joy there was a deep sadness there. I willed my feet not to run and grab her as a lump formed in my throat. Smile baby, I said with my eyes. She glanced at me and then to her father put her head down and started twiddling her fingers as her classmates sang and danced to the A-B-C song. My baby loves to sing! What's the matter with her? I looked over at her father and kissed my teeth. I couldn't stand the sight of that man. He was ruining our daughter's day.

Then tears began to fall from my toddler's eyes and once again she looked at me and then her father. I opened my arms and mouthed come to mommy. She quickly left center stage and ran straight into my arms. I kissed her forehead and whispered mommy's here, tell me why you're so sad when you look so beautiful on this wonderful day. She said nothing just held me...then it hit me.

Her father and I had been at odds for so long, she'd never seen us in the same space together since our bitter separation. We were stressing out our toddler! He must have felt it too because I looked over at him and saw not the usual smug grin on his face but a look of frustration and pain.

Up until then, I thought I was handling the separation appropriately. I only spoke to her father through text to avoid shouting matches and we picked and dropped our toddler off at the sitter's home so we never saw each other. I never spoke of him in front of her because I had nothing good to say. My patented response "mommy and daddy are not friends anymore but we have to share you. He loves you and mommy loves you but we don't love each other. We have to share you because you belong to both of us."

This little phrase came back to bite me. I would get responses like...

"But why mommy?"

"I don't share with kids who aren't my friends"

"I share with my friends because I like them"

I was sending conflicting messages about friendship and sharing to my toddler. So I bit the bullet and attempted to have a talk with my ex about our behavior. We decided that twice a month we would do lunch or dinner in a 'neutral zone' just the three of us. We agreed not to discuss the mortgage or any other 'triggers'. It was all about making our toddler feel comfortable and loved with the both of her parents. It wasn't easy and I still struggle from time to time. It took my daughter to help me realize there is freedom in surrendering. There's nothing I wouldn't do for my pint sized princess. I had to give up for the 'greater good' and I'm glad I did.