Parent's Setting the Stage - Acting as a "Bad Sport"

A recent event at a local middle school volleyball game made the issue of parents and their participation their child's sports more intense to our family and those we know. We all read about parents that may have started a fight with other parents or officials; getting ejected from games; even hitting coaches or other players, not to mention a parent actually physically or verbally attacking their own child. In response to this I took the opportunity to speak with a Licensed Social Worker who does individual and family counseling, consultation, and public speaking in addition to her private practice.

Why do parents get so intense about their children's sports activities?

There are a number of reasons, some of which are:

1. Youth sports get compared to professional sports, which results in unrealistic expectations from the children, coaches, and referees.

2. A parent may be confused about the goal of youth sports. Unlike professional sports, the goal is not to win at all costs, it is to teach lifelong values that a child can apply in many areas of his/her adult life: ethics, teamwork, good sportsmanship, how to win and lose gracefully, how to respect authority, establish healthy exercise and eating habits at a young age, how to resolve problems and conflicts independently, and to have fun. A child's "work" is done through play - that is where the learning takes place.

3. Sometimes a child's success in a particular sport may be more the parent's dream and desire than the child's. Whether it's to fulfill a dream that didn't happen for the parent, or because they want to impress others with their child's accomplishments, it becomes more about the parent than the child. A healthy parent is one who remembers that this is the child's experience and not the parent's experience.

4. Sometimes parents pressure their children to excel in a particular sport in hopes of obtaining college scholarships.

What is the Impact on our children?

1. Excessive pressure and criticism by parents and coaches negatively impacts a child's performance on the playing field. Many studies have found that children who receive positive reinforcement and instruction perform better and enjoy themselves more. As a result, they are more likely to continue playing and learning. The majority of kids drop out of sports in junior high because it's not fun anymore. It's a parent's job to cheer and support their child. It's the coach's job to instruct and provide positive reinforcement to the players - no matter how small, there is always a way to compliment a player for something they did during a game.

2. Children, especially junior high and high school students, are humiliated when their parents behave inappropriately during sporting events. Yelling and embarrassing a child, especially in front of his/her peers, can be very damaging to his/her self-confidence, which has an impact in how they relate to their friends, family, and teachers..

3. A life lesson that we as parents are responsible for teaching our children is how to balance our lives in a healthy way. Excessive focus on sports does not teach a child how to balance their life in a healthy way. Even kids who are very talented at a particular sport and love doing it all the time should be encouraged to try new things and to maintain relationships with family and friends.

4. Childhood and adolescence is a time when children have the opportunity to be exposed to a variety of experiences. If an excessive amount of their life is consumed by a particular sport, other opportunities to exercise their intellectual and creative sides are missed. It's good for a child to try things they may not be particularly good at - it's an opportunity to develop respect for people who are good at it, and it also broadens a child's perspective and teaches him to like and value himself for who he is, not whether he does something perfectly.

5. Despite how it may appear by the time kids reach Junior High and High School, the most influential people in their lives continue to be their parents. It is still ultimately the parent's responsibility to set a good example for his/her child.

6. Pressuring and over-focusing on sports too early in a child's life can lead to burn-out, and the child will be more likely to stop playing by Junior High.

7. Children are becoming exhausted by demanding practice and homework schedules, which affects their emotional wellbeing, academic performance, physical and mental health.

What is the Impact on the family as a whole?

The effects of a parent with bad sporting behavior can be really significant: Some of the effects can be:

1. Excessive focus on a child's sports activities and performance can draw time away from other sibling's activities and family time together. If sports is not one child's calling, they can feel left out and less valued because they do not share the same devotion to a sport that a brother or sister has.

2. Children want and need their Parents' love and attention and affection. Some children will express an interest in sports and suppress their own genuine interests if they sense this is a way they can get attention and praise from their parents. The goal for parents is to find your child's passion and support his or her interest in it - even if it bores you to tears.

3. There can also be a significant financial cost: Parents spend thousands of dollars a year on sports related activities and equipment. It has become very expensive to participate on a sporting team. This takes money away from other family needs or opportunities for spending time together.

4. There is the loss of family time driving kids to practices and games, especially if you have more than one child involved in sports.

5. Pressuring your child and embarrassing him/her at a game can really impact your relationship with your child. Having open communication and being a safe person for your child to talk to, especially during Junior High and High School, is vital. When you yell at a game or criticize your child or embarrass him/her in front of their friends, that example doesn't help your child feel safe coming to you when they do need help or someone to talk to.

What are some tips for parents to use to teach themselves and others how to be "good sports?"

1. Remember to keep a balance between work, friends, family life, and activities. It's up to you to set the boundaries and to know when enough is enough.

2. Make sure that your child's coach is a good fit for your child's personality, and that you are comfortable with his/her coaching style.

3. This is your child's experience, not yours.

4. Cheer for your child at games, and let the coaches do the instruction. Practice making only positive comments to your child or other players, and refrain from yelling instructions in any form. If it's really challenging, sit on the visitor's side of the field with the opposite team's parents. Yelling instruction or criticism at a game interferes with the coach's instruction and interferes with your child developing a positive working relationship with his/her coach. The game may not always be 100% fair, or the referee may not always be 100% accurate, but that is a perfect opportunity to teach your child after the game that life is not always fair, and we do our best and forgive others when they make mistakes.

5. Check out the 30 minute Online Parenting Course offered by the National Alliance for Youth Sports.

6. Always be proud of your child. If it wasn't their best game, find something positive, however small, that they did that day. If there are things your child is frustrated about that he didn't do to his/her satisfaction, talk about what your child could have done differently, or encourage your child to talk to his/her coach about ways he/she could improve on a particular skill during practice time. Praise their efforts and progress, however small, when they work hard and improve. Always reward their efforts with praise and love.

7. If you child is not interested in sports, don't force him/her to participate. Find other ways to incorporate exercise and physical activity in your life - bike riding, Boy Scouts or Girl Scouts, walking, camping, outdoor activities.

8. Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts are great ways for kids to learn how to work with others and be recognized for their accomplishments in a non-competitive atmosphere. Be sure your child has experiences where they engage in non-competitive activities as well.

Remember, it's supposed to be FUN!

What are some resources that parents can use to educate themselves and others about their actions and the effect that those actions have on their child, family, the team and the other members of the crowd?

Parents should try to read the article "Teaching Parents to be Better Sports"

Parents can also participate in a 30 minute online training course sponsored by the National Alliance for Youth Sports http://nays.org that only costs $6. You also get guidelines for parents' roles in youth sports, how to support their children in sporting activities, etc. Follow the link at the top which is specifically for parents. This site also recommends books and other resources available for coaches, communities, and parents.

Parents should be supportive of their children in whatever endeavor they pursue. If bad sportsmanship is a part of the sporting activity your child participates in this information can be useful to you, the coaches, and the other parents in teaching ourselves to be positive and supportive role models. If you are interested in a specific professional sport - look at those that are most successful. You don't hear Tiger Woods saying how out of control his father was or how he used to throw a putter across the green. His comments are always that his father was a strong and positive role model. Let us as parents aspire to be that to our children in sports and in life.