Paris Hilton to Endorse the "Friday the 13th" Diet

(Los Angeles--CA) When she's not driving drunk, reading the Bible, calling Lindsay Lohan "fire crotch", being the lit match to the high explosive list of Britney Spears' addictions, Paris Hilton just might be throwing up. At least that's what her publicist, Elliot "The Leech" Mintz, would have us believe. Today, Hilton announced she was signing on to endorse "The Friday the 13th Diet".

Hilton said at an impromptu press conference on Wilshire Boulevard, after she plowed her newly purchased pink Prius into an H2, "It's easy not to keep food down when you're drunk. But drinking is so not hot, so how do you keep that extra ounce off? Well, it's easy if you're scared. Being scared, I think, is the new hot. You girls just need to remember to have the Altoids ready. But that's food so wait, forget that. No, but...I have a headache."

"The Leech" added, "If I may clarify for Paris, she welcomes the opportunity to promote "The Friday the 13th Diet". Ever since Paris' almost major role in "House of Wax", she realized the power of horror to purge all of the negative energy that some foods can have by selectively choosing what will remain in her body. Paris was then directly asked if she was in fact bulimic. She was definitive. "No, I'm Episcopalian." "The Leech" further clarified. "Of course, as you can see, Paris is religious. By pointing that out, she means to say that, as her Bible tells her, gluttony is a sin.

The notion of scaring food out of tweens for a "slimmer you", kicks off with a national radio campaign next week. But for those who can't wait until next week, the first spot is below.

But first, a few news items you may have missed:

(New York--NY) In 2006 "Parade" magazine interview Tom Cruise claims that his father was a bully who would threaten Cruise to get his way. Cruise said, "But I learned one important thing from him. Don't bully unless it's important, like...say...threatening a movie studio that you won't promote their latest action film you starred in if their parent company reruns a cartoon that made fun of the pseudo-religion you believe in." Cruise went on to say that bullies made him feel like "your heart's pounding, you sweat, and you feel like you're going to vomit." Oddly enough, the same reaction Cruise's fans had after watching War of the Worlds.

(Washington, D.C.) Cynthia McKinney, the Georgia Congresswoman who last year struck a Capitol Police officer for blocking her from entering Congress because he didn't recognize her, apologized this week saying, "There should not have been any physical contact in this incident." Rising to the occasion, Capitol Police Chief Terrance Gainer replied with, "Any time an officer does not know who the person is coming in the building, I direct them to stop that person, even the high and the haughty. And that goes for African Americans too."

(Washington, D.C.) It has come to light in a White House e-mail, one of the few that was not lost, that the arrest of a Homeland Security Official Brian Doyle on alleged charges that he attempted to seduce a fourteen year old girl on the Internet seem to have caught Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff off guard. In answer to a reporter's question of was that how a Homeland Security staff member should act, Chertoff said, "That's a stupid question because he didn't try to seduce a 14 year old terrorist, now, did he?"

(Saigon-Vietnam) Gary Glitter announced today that he would be changing careers. The part-time rocker/child molester said that he will apply to Homeland Security to fill the position vacated by Brian Doyle; and if that doesn't work said Glitter, "The priesthood is always an option

Friday the 13th Diet Spot.

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