Paris Hilton Gets Out of Jail "Free"

So, Paris Hilton had a "Get out of Jail Free" card, after all. No one should be surprised at the fact that Ms. Hilton has gotten out of the rest of her in-jail sentence, but they should be indignant.

According to media reports, Paris was released early Thursday morning "because of an unspecified medical problem" and will serve the rest of her sentence in home confinement. The heiress will have to wear an ankle bracelet that electronically monitors her, ensuring that she remains at home for the next forty days.

Let's examine this turn of events, with a healthy and necessary dose of skepticism. What, exactly, could this unspecified medical problem be? My first guess is "severe atrophy of the brain" but for Ms. Hilton, that is likely to have been a longstanding, chronic condition, one which the courts would have considered during sentencing. Whatever it is, it must be untreatable within jail facilities, even in protective custody as Ms. Hilton was, and it must have struck suddenly and vigorously, as Ms. Hilton was in seemingly fine health and spirits upon turning herself in for incarceration.

Secondly, let's consider her new, alternative punishment: forty days of home confinement at her Hollywood Hills mansion. Call me a cynic, but I'm willing to be that I or virtually any other person willing to suspend their standards of taste and faux-celebrity greasiness, could exist within this mansion for forty days, and not feel at all imprisoned. After all, hot tubs, enormous entertainment systems, and luxury surroundings can do a great deal to make someone feel at home.

Were Paris Hilton a regular American citizen, and not a member of the faux-celebrity caste, she would not have these options available to her. She would be serving her sentence as assigned, as incarcerated, and without serious entertainment of protest. If a medical issue arose, she would be treated onsite or held in custody at a hospital, with her sentence adjusted accordingly. However, Ms. Hilton is yet another example (as if O.J. Simpson and President George W. Bush were not enough) of the fact that celebrity obsession and monetary resources are sufficient to shield someone from the honest power of the law. Perhaps the Pledge of Allegiance should say, "with liberty and justice for all, except Paris Hilton."

A final thought: Assuming Paris bothers to get dressed while spending forty days imprisoned in the horrible oubliette of her California mansion, whatever can she wear to compliment the metallic highlights of her monitoring anklet?