Paris Hilton to Take Special Bus to Special Prison

On June fifth, the world will breath a collective sigh of relief and gratitude as Paris Hilton, heiress extrordinare, and vapid sex-bunny to the male population boards her final carriage before being caged like an animal in the unreachable depths of the American correctional institution. Unfortunately, for those of us who value intelligence and humanity, Ms. Hilton's sentence has recently been reduced to 25 days instead of 45, and her confinement area has been relocated to the Special Needs Unit of her penitentiary.

While the idea of the whiny, stick-bodied celebrity tossed amongst the vicious, chaotic world of community prison life may give us all a tickle, it is no surprise that little Paris is being sent where princesses have always been sent; Into an ivory tower. There, our dear Paris Hilton will spend nearly a month in virtual solitary confinement with one hour every day in which to leave her cell and communicate with the outside world.

The Special Needs unit of a typical prison system is reserved for Police officers gone wrong, physically and mentally handicapped inmates, high risk cases, usually involving gang vendettas or celebrities. While Paris's Simple Life will not be turning into a prison rape movie anytime soon, we can rest easy knowing that a month in a box is no picnic either.

One might wonder what poor little unseen Paris will do alone and devoid of media or communication for 23 hours a day. Perhaps Ms. Hilton will take the time to sit and reflect on her life and who she is as a human being. Then I will grow pixie wings and spread the magical bum-dust of joy about the universe. But seriously, I think we can count out serious self-analysis or personal growth.

Or perhaps our wee debutante will emerge a full-fledged writer clutching a ragged, spiral-bound notebook in her ink-stained fingers. Then the vapid sex-bunny teens of the world will unite under the powerful and life-altering message of her jail-born philosophy tome, "That Was so Not Hot." Their revolution will unite the world under the principle of disinterest and snappy, crotch-revealing clothing.

Most likely, Paris will be faced with the total and unforgiving silence of solitude. Alone in the dark, we can imagine her thrashing and crying like a lost child in the depths of emotional hell, or like a heroine junkie curled in a ball in the middle of the floor, twitching like a crushed animal. Only in this case, the drug withdrawal will not be chemical, it will be emotional. Paris Hilton feeds on our attention like a sucking vampire. Devoid of her fix, like the youngest child alone for the first time with no one to impress, depression is her most likely future.